tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30198122024-03-10T12:46:41.176+10:00babybabya journey from here to maternity; mothering, breast cancer;related and unrelated infertility issuesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1706125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-61127270624872615192022-10-26T13:14:00.001+10:002022-10-26T13:14:08.840+10:00<p> hello! </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-88760947434563407032016-03-09T12:41:00.001+10:002016-03-09T12:41:27.163+10:00quick post to mark the fact that tomorrow I go into hospital and on Friday I am getting the massive TRAM flap surgery. 6 hours under, 6 days in hospital and 6 week recovery (plus a bit longer probably). plus a further operating in 6 months to make a nipple and tidy things up.<br />
<br />
am I happy about it? no.<br />
<br />
but it's what I've decided to do.<br />
<br />
scared, annoyed that my summer is being cut short, sad about the new scar it'll leave on my stomach. horrified at the cost. worried about leaving A and R to their dad's mercy for a week and how much R might miss me.<br />
<br />
and maybe a tiny bit looking forward to never wearing this prosthesis again, never being anxious about people seeing down my top. hoping it will make me feel somewhat normal.<br />
<br />
it'd bloody better. it's going to huuuurt.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-10895448895810207572016-02-12T09:56:00.001+10:002016-02-12T09:56:57.794+10:00logged in to do some admin so I may as well post. nearly two and a half. in a new childcare centre (the one his brother went to) and doing well.<br />
<br />
independent. bossy. curious. loves a tickle but not really a hug. experimental. likes to take giant knives out of the kitchen drawer and run around with them (it was just once!)<br />
<br />
we've sent off the forms to 'dispose' of the one emby that's left. I turn 50 in May.<br />
<br />
in four weeks I'm going in for the truly horrid, painful reconstructive surgery that takes fat and skin off my stomach and tries to make it look like a boob. many misgivings but taking a punt that the result will be worthwhile. rather sick of this silicon thing and worrying about whether people can see down my top. just want to feel halfway normal.<br />
<br />
planning a lot of tv and movies and maybe some books. will not be able to ride or swim for six weeks. really not looking forward to it, or the bit where I rely on husband to take care of things, and me. my expectations are high and his efforts don't meet them and it gets ugly.<br />
<br />
and so on...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-51631584743798501072014-11-13T13:07:00.003+10:002014-11-13T13:07:40.221+10:0013/11<br />
<br />
sometimes I feel like I'm not his real mother; a hangover from the IVF and egg donation I suppose. and he can be grumpy and demanding, and I'm aware I don't feel that same level of bonding as I did with my first child.<br />
<br />
But if I'm not his real mother, why did I feel ill and weak at the knees as I left him at a perfectly fine, brand-new childcare centre today, with food in front of him and a carer on duty, after spending an hour each of the previous two days there in order to make sure he was familiar with the place? Why did I feel shaky, like I'd been punched.<br />
<br />
It wasn't like leaving him at home with a sitter, or with his grandparents. It's commercial childcare and to be honest I'm not yet 100% convinced it's a happy place, brand new and shiny though it is. too many babies crying.<br />
<br />
Last time I started care, it was to save my life. A had to go *somewhere* while I did chemo. I guess this time it's to save my soul, as I know I need time to work, and time free of the demands of responding to a small child. time to move at my own pace. but it doesn't feel like it's saving me right now.<br />
<br />
and I worry for him. he's not always a happy, friendly kid. how will they treat him? how will the world?<br />
<br />
sometimes I don't like him much myself. but I love him and I want to protect him.<br />
<br />
as they say: it's complicated.<br />
<br />
(and there's a certain irony in the fact that this morning I let him sleep because I knew he was going to care, and that's when I worked: and now with 20 minutes before I have to leave home, I'm writing this, not working).Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-27759457228272514642014-11-06T13:42:00.001+10:002014-11-06T13:42:21.551+10:00walking now.<br />
<br />
well, not <i>now.</i> now he's asleep on my bed with a temperature. has been hot and snotty for 24 hours. occasionally sooks and looks around and accepts a drink, then goes back to sleep.<br />
<br />
and I shouldn't be frittering away time on the net. should be working. have accepted a revision of a book I once did. but today I just don't feel like it, however limited time is.<br />
<br />
still wistful for the way things used to be. all that time. all those choices. all that sleep.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-9020513280680389142014-10-24T18:51:00.000+10:002014-10-24T18:51:49.705+10:0020/10/2014<br />
<br />
me: "Rufus, what noise does a doggy make?"<br />
him (softly) "awuf".<br />
<br />
he also decided to walk on 20/10....had been doing a few steps but this was the full dozen or more. now he walks, drops and crawls, but more and more walks, holding things in his hand or mouth.<br />
<br />
first trip to the pool yesterday. the full excitement when he saw the water. and once he was in, he sat and splashed his hands in it like crazy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-30238127936767217282014-09-02T13:54:00.000+10:002014-09-02T13:54:15.726+10:00this is the one-year-birthday post.<br />
<br />
it's quick because R is asleep and I have things to do. too many things really and I won't know where to start.<br />
<br />
he is a beautiful, smart baby. he cries too much. he is still waking me at night which I am increasingly having trouble coping with. he loves me and wants me to pick him up all the time.<br />
<br />
I know I'm: exhausted. depressed. having trouble coping. I don't want this to turn into a post about my husband, but I'm pretty much giving up on him ever showing real empathy or treating my need for help as anything other than a personal affront. I'm just hanging in there as I don't think leaving him will actually make my life any better. it's sad but there you have it.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to get the house organised. supposedly for R's party but at some level I need to clear the decks. I need to feel that at some point I am going to be able to get on with things without clutter and crap everywhere; even that if I choose to leave, I will be able to move out swiftly and cleanly.<br />
<br />
I am sad that all the things I am doing, which I'd looked forward to so much: baby music, brunch in a cafe, walking him through the park; are tainted by this depression, exhaustion and my grief at the destruction of the freedom and work I had achieved prior to his birth.<br />
<br />
the baby's birthday is a big deal. but it's a different kind of milestone for me.<br />
<br />
going to get offline and write some to-do lists. it seems to help.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-82666181849032382532014-05-16T14:55:00.002+10:002014-05-16T14:55:39.248+10:00<br />
been reading posts from 10 years ago to see how we sorted A's sleep.<br />
<br />
strikes me I was very different then; less demanding, more focussed on the baby and more willing to put up with damage to myself.<br />
<br />
is the difference age, or the experience of cancer - the way it knocked me sideways and I realised I hadn't taken care of myself?<br />
<br />
reading that stuff didn't help relationship with DH. he'll never get what happened and I guess I'll never really forgive him.<br />
<br />
R's sleep is not good - waking 3-4 times a night - and we are going to have to just stop feeding him in the night. problem is that means days or weeks of night screaming and I'm not sure I'm up to that. is it better to continue being mostly wrecked or to risk being totally so?<br />
<br />
he's trying to crawl. cutting top teeth. whingeing a bit more than I like. loving swings and outdoors and (mostly) eating. adores baths and screams when taken out.<br />
<br />
talking to a friend on the phone just now I said I thought the thing was, 10 years ago I was just "on leave". now I'm a writer and can never really be "on leave". really feeling all the things I'm not doing; that whenever there is a moment I should be writing, not resting or doing housework...<br />
<br />
have definitely been depressed, apart from the exhaustion. small things like swims and bike rides, which I didn't get in HK, are helping a bit.<br />
<br />
probably Sunday night we'll stop feeding him every time he wakes - just wake him at 11 or so for a rollover. so hope it just works. it's hard to believe it might.<br />
<br />
can't write long, have my donor and her two boisterous kids due. have to leave my computer and go prepare scones....<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-74268139726432247222014-03-18T12:34:00.000+10:002014-03-18T12:34:45.562+10:00march 17...took him on the tram into town. everyone on their iPhones and him sitting in the middle of them in his pram, trying to make eye contact. eventually an older woman gave him some love, but could see how sad and bewildering it was for him - no indication of why all those people were silent, still and fixed.<br />
<br />
put him into the Jolly Jumper for the first time. there was, as I expected, a gradual dawning of joy - after a few times he'll be right into it.<br />
<br />
still waking up much too often, crying a few times some nights. one good night at the weekend (one wakeup) but otherwise it's just a different horribleness every night. getting my swims in whenever humanly possible. eating too much chocolate, thank goodness for breast feeding or I'd be the size of a house.<br />
<br />
small noises and happy screams and one small noise, the past few days, which may be specific to wanting me. not a word, but a mum-sound.<br />
<br />
they are so underdeveloped compared to every other animal when born. six months, 15 days.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-58405349298482030912014-01-11T09:32:00.003+10:002014-01-11T09:32:45.135+10:00yawn. tired. exhausted. depressed, clinically so. missing: writing time. surfing. sleep.<br />
<br />
baby is fat and happy and starting to want me in the night instead of his Dad. Dad and I not getting on well at all. he seems to think "helping" is optional and that when I ask for help it's a rebuke. etc.<br />
<br />
even if I had time I wouldn't be up to writing. definitely depressed. everything seems too hard, etc. always sleepy, but still waking up early and finding it hard to nap. am not going to dr yet. also too hard, and what would they do, give me drugs? all I need is some sleep and my life back.<br />
<br />
baby is having conversations with me and loves to look at the blue sky through the green leaves of trees.<br />
<br />
A. is doing OK, though I feel guilt and stress at not being able to do all I'd normally do with him in school hols. on Thursday struggled through a 2-hour magic show in a large theatre with baby on my breast so A. could feel he'd done something fun, not just helped me with the baby and stared at the computer.<br />
<br />
next week is all 35 degrees+ and I have to drive to the country and back to drop A off with grandparents. really would rather just stay home in the a/c with baby.<br />
<br />
too many things to do. had better go do them.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-73033105276737192582013-11-11T09:52:00.002+10:002013-11-11T09:52:33.844+10:00faint niggle that R. might not be making enough eye contact. i know too many autistic IVF kids to be comfortable with that.<br />
<br />
but he is fat and happy and most nights wakes me up just once or twice. which a friend said was "normal" and I said "yes but that doesn't make me any less buggered".<br />
<br />
he is starting to try to hit objects with his hand. this causes huge excitement in the household. it gets harder to impress people as you get older; when he was born, just breathing was a fantastic achievement!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-32872625742926971832013-10-29T14:07:00.002+10:002013-10-29T14:07:56.438+10:00in lieu of creative writing, which my brain is Not Up To right now, I'm clearing out my files; discarding things that are no longer any good, or never were.<br />
<br />
and there are a few things that just never found a home. I am chucking most, but I kind of liked this one. it's seven years old now. it has gaps in it that I meant to fill in, but they're minor. engage ctrl+V:<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
note: points requiring checks or footnotes are marked by an
asterisk and ended by a question mark, ie, *check this?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>A story about babies,
prostitution, and Kerry Packer’s helicopter pilot’s kidney.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Some people have all the luck. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Me, I’m infertile. These days
that’s not always as bad as it used to be: we went to IVF and had a healthy
baby boy. Thank you very much, medical people. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
And then I got cancer – a year
after the birth, to the day, a diagnosis of early but serious breast cancer.
More, but different, medical people rode in on their white horses and helped me
out with that one. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Now I’m three years in remission
and facing my third Big Medical Issue in five years: what to do about the
embryos. There are eight of them, stored in a cold *temp? dark vat in a
hospital a few kilometres from my home. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
The Issue is: should I be able to
pay to have them turned into babies? And it’s not <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
really a question of medicine. It’s a question of what money
should be able to buy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
IVF and cancer. I mention these
things not to shock or gain sympathy – I well understand how unreal they are to
the non-afflicted, and how merely commonplace they are to the rest of us – but
to stake my claim to some authority when it comes to discussing the contested
site also known as the female body. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Let’s see what being female has
brought me: I’ve had ttc (trying to conceive) sex, I’ve had painful spurts of
dye forced (unsuccessfully) through my Fallopian tubes, I’ve had countless
ultrasounds (internal and external), shots of hormones that brought back my
raging adolescence; I’ve had long needles poked through my uterine wall into my
ovaries; I’ve had a mastectomy, failed reconstructions, radiation burns,
menopause before the age of 40, worn a wig over a bald head, and I still have
scarred and stained veins in my left arm from the chemotherapy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
I’ve also had the brief and
transcending experience of feeling life quicken inside me; known the maternal
power of breastfeeding and of knowing that, until he was five months old, my
son was completely composed of my material self, every cell in his body drawn
from, or fed by, mine. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
I’ve had plenty of time, too, to
think about motherhood: what it is and what it’s worth, with short,
dread-filled glances at the “motherless child” – any child, anywhere, but most
of all mine, whom I love no more than any mother does, but with perhaps a
greater consciousness of my double good luck: first in having him at all, and
second in being here to love him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
When I think about surrogacy,
about one woman carrying a baby in her womb on behalf of others, I do so not as
an ethicist or medical expert, but as the most keenly interested kind of
amateur: the potential “intended parent” (known as an IP). But I’m also an IP
who knows a little too much. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Three years into remission, nearly
four years post-diagnosis, as my son approaches his fifth birthday, I’m still
getting the question, from people who know I had cancer and people who don’t
even know my name: Are you going to have another child? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
My usual response is to say “it’s
not always that easy,” then to hope they drop the topic. Because my particular
history has thrown up questions that make IVF look like a walk in the park. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
As the mother of a small child,
going off my medication to carry a pregnancy myself is not an option. My
oncologist tells me that every year I stay on the drugs decreases the risk of a
recurrence, and I need every percentage point I can get. And there’s a niggling
concern that pregnancy might itself be a trigger – no one can tell me for sure.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
But I very much want a second
child, for myself and for my family. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Friends say “you just need
someone to have the baby for you,” and they’re always surprised and a little
angry to hear that it’s effectively illegal in Victoria, where I live<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many
couples who need a surrogate go overseas or interstate to undertake an IVF
cycle in a more surrogacy-friendly jurisdiction. But I can’t do IVF now – the
drugs again – so those eight embryos are it for us, and they have been hostages
to the political process for three years. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Moving the embryos interstate or overseas to
achieve a surrogate pregnancy is technically not allowed under the current laws
– if a procedure is not permitted in Victoria, hopeful parents can't transport
embryos to somewhere it is permitted, at least not with intent. We could of
course move to Canberra or Sydney, take our embryos with us in an incidental
fashion, and then begin the surrogacy process there – if we didn't have jobs,
studies, friends, family and a home in Victoria, and if our son wasn't happily
settled in his kindergarten.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Yet to find a surrogate under the existing
Victorian law is more than difficult, it's a conundrum worthy of Catch-22's
Joseph Heller. The law requires that not only the surrogate, but their partner,
if they have one, be infertile. It's a hard enough thing to ask of any woman -
to carry a child for you and then hand it over - let alone a woman who is
infertile herself. The Victorian Law Reform Commission has called this
inconsistent *footnote? and said the requirement should be removed if surrogacy
is to be allowed at all. The Victorian Government has promised new laws: we’re
still waiting. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The policy wheels are turning towards change,
but slowly – they’ve been creaking away since before I was diagnosed in 2004.
Still if I could find an infertile woman, whose husband was also infertile, who
was willing to carry my child for me, it would be possible. If I lived in
Queensland, it would be impossible, anywhere, anytime if I wanted to stay there
– Queensland’s laws forbid Queenslanders to go through the surrogacy process in
or out of the state. (This is currently under review). *recheck? If I was in
Tasmania, it would be illegal for a medical professional to help me try to
achieve a surrogate pregnancy. *recheck. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Counsellors have suggested I try to go
interstate anyway; but for all my desire for another child, I am daunted by the
massive administrative and emotional task of finding the right person, then
fighting the battle to take the embryos to them, let alone the upheaval it would
cause my family. And I fear what losing
the battle would do to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s too much, a voice tells me: you’ve had
enough medical and emotional grief. And it gets more complicated; even if we
could get around the infertility rule, say by moving wholesale to Canberra, or
waiting for the Victorian laws to change, we certainly couldn’t use any
surrogate anywhere in Australia unless she was an “altruistic” surrogate –
policy-speak for unpaid. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">We live in a mobile world. Medical tourism is
already with us, from the benign if ridiculous plane trip to be worked on by
the best plastic surgeon in New York, Sydney or LA, to the dubious
partial-bodysnatching of travelling to a third-world country for a kidney that
may have been bought for a few hundred dollars, taken from a corpse without
permission or perhaps – who can tell in these cases – a corpse that has been
created for the purpose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I don’t know about those things. I don’t need a
kidney to live. And no, I don’t need
another baby to live. But if the “journey” (a word I despise) of IVF and cancer
has taught me anything, it’s that comparing or rating pains does no one any
good. I don’t know if I could, or should, buy a body part to save my life – the
*furore earlier this year over a Sydney surgeon suggesting it should at least
be considered suggests that I’d be frowned on if I did. But I do know what it’s
like to have a doctor, one I trust completely, suggest that if I can’t move the
embryos, I could go to America and use an egg donor. In America, this means
buying eggs, and paying the surrogate *tens of thousands of dollars.?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I hadn’t thought of that, I said, and the idea
of having a second baby within a year, not in four years or, more probably,
never, flashed on my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">People do it. *rechecks on these two A gay Victorian
couple who took a filmmaker along to document their “journey” did it (and have
gone back for a second child.) A federal minister and his wife went from
Victoria to NSW to do it. People do it all the time: people with money, that
is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">In Australia, our excellent public health
system (no, it’s not perfect, but bear with me) has insulated us from this
fact: not all infertile couples are equal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">In the US, houses are sold, literal fortunes
are spent, to pay for IVF treatment. Here, Medicare makes it widely available:
it still costs, particularly for private treatment, but it costs more on the
level of giving up holidays and a second car than going homeless to get a kid.
Most – not all – of us can afford it if we need it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">(And here I must give a nod and apology to the
singles and the gays who don’t qualify for government help or even access to
assisted reproductive technology in many states. Their fight is an even more
bewildering mix of financial, legal and moral-judgement issues that I don’t
have the space or understanding to go into here.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">So until I found myself in need of a surrogate,
I was on a level with most infertile women. Considering surrogacy, though,
brings money back into the equation. Pregnancies are expensive. You need
doctors, extra food, time off work. Pregnancies are hard work, and the
intending parents who go to the US to use surrogates usually pay well for the
surrogate’s time and physical labor. Pregnancies are risky. Pregnant women die.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">And here are the horns of my dilemma: money and
risk. Well-meaning law reformers seek, rightly, to protect women. From the 2007
report on Assisted Reproductive Technology and Adoption by the Victorian Law
Reform Commission: “any reimbursement of expenses should only apply to an
actual loss incurred.” * footnote? This would at least be an improvement on the
current Victorian law, which could send me to jail for two years for giving
money to a surrogate. The LRC has recommended a two-month cap on lost earnings
payments, plus “reasonable” medical and legal expenses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">We could extend the mortgage right now, go to
American and pay a healthy young woman to have a baby for us. People do it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">And the risks would be the same. A “volunteer”
in Australia could be permanently injured – become diabetic, suffer injuries during
the birth – yet I wouldn’t be allowed to pay for so much as a cleaner for her
house while she was pregnant. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Because of the risks to a surrogate’s own
fertility, (and the vexed question of her changing her mind and keeping the
baby) it’s considered advisable in Australia for the surrogate to have
completed her own family – so to use a surrogate, I’d be risking not just her
life, but that of her children’s mother. And I already think about motherless
children, far, far, too much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve been saying “use” a surrogate. That is
deliberate, because when I look at this, I don’t want to shrink from the fact
that ultimately, this is the use of another person’s reproductive capacity for
my benefit. The key word in the Victorian LRC report about this is “exploit”.
We may use another, but not exploit them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The assumption contained in the Victorian
proposals and in the laws that already allow surrogacy elsewhere around the
country is that if a surrogate’s paid, then she is doing it for the money. And
we don’t do that here – remember the debate about paid organ donation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">From my point of view, as a potential user of a
surrogate, not to be allowed to pay for what I know is at least a highly
inconveniencing, uncomfortable and painful bit of volunteerism feels even more
like exploitation than having them do it for free. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Two months off work isn’t enough. If another
woman was willing to “volunteer” to do such a thing for me, I’d want to help
her leave work at whatever stage she needed to, go back to work whenever she was
good and ready, have cleaners, laundry services, babysitters and thrice-weekly
food deliveries laid on. At the very least. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ll confess: I’ve gone online and looked. I’ve
trawled the information services that list profiles of potential surrogates in
the US. The women who advertise on them are not unemployed teenagers looking to
make a buck without regard to consequences. They are grown women. They’ve
thought about it. They usually, not always, have children, and often say things
like: “I love being pregnant” or “having babies is easy for me.” They say they
enjoy their own kids so much they want to help others to the same joy; they say
they want to give back to the world. And a part of me says: if they want to do
it, and potential parents want to give them money to do it, why not? The
exchange of cash for labour (dual meaning intended) is not so different to the
payment we make to have people do dirty, poisonous, soul-destroying jobs in
Australia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Payment for surrogacy would mean women would be
exploited. What else is new? Preventing exploitation of women has also
long been used as an argument for denying women freedom of choice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">There are other sites, less wholesome, in India
and the Ukraine, and I wonder if it’s better *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The more I think about it, the more my head
spins. I try to write it out, like a high-school logic exercise, a twisted
syllogism: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<i><span lang="EN-US">You shouldn’t be able
to buy this. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<i><span lang="EN-US">You shouldn’t have to
do it for free. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<i><span lang="EN-US">This thing should be
possible.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s easy to find myself contradicting myself.
And all the time, as I think, I have to keep a weather eye on the
right-to-lifers, the anti-abortionists, the anti-IVFers, the
anti-reproductive-technologists, and the leaders of half a dozen churches. As
soon as the question is raised, they are there, like a lawyer you’ve asked
about a difficult decision, and like a lawyer, their answer is simple and safe:
don’t. If in doubt, don’t. They’d say that if I’d never been allowed to create
those stored embryos, I wouldn’t have a choice to make now, and so on. Dig deeper
in that argument and we get to the lump of God at its centre: let God decide.
If it’s not meant to happen, it’s not meant to happen, say some. Some infertile
couples even agree (and some have heard this line so many times that when they
hear it, they change the topic to the weather).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I don’t buy it. Reproduction is a special area,
I’ll grant you. Like dying, the creation of a human life seems to me to have an
intrinsic importance that requires us to wear white gloves when we touch it –
but we fight nature and God in too many matters already to say: leave
reproduction alone, full stop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I wasn’t mean to have babies, but I did, and
he’s beautiful and loved. I was built to die of cancer before the age of 40. I
didn’t. Was that wrong of me? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">So if it’s possible to get some help with that
next baby, I wonder, should I? And if money can make it easier, why shouldn’t I
pay? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Perhaps I’ve thought about this too much. My
particular circumstances make it more difficult than for most to take up the
options that technology and a global medical economy offer. And until now,
technology has been my friend: IVF equals baby? Sure! Surgery, chemo,
radiotherapy, drugs equal life? What a great deal!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">But this is different. This isn’t as easy, in
practical terms, and it isn’t just about me and my choices. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I think about Kerry Packer’s helicopter pilot,
who donated a kidney to his boss. There was something very Australian about the
whole thing: the way Packer could not jump the queue for a donor kidney, and
could not or would not go overseas to buy one; the way it was, in the end, a
mate’s generosity that gave him a few more good years of life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">When I think about surrogacy, I’m constructing
a scenario with an unknown woman at its centre. She might be someone I haven’t
met yet. She might be a friend or acquaintance yet to make the offer. Because I
know one thing: this, in its altruistic or paid form, isn’t something you ask a
woman to do. She must first volunteer. The act of asking would be a form of
pressure I couldn’t apply. What I don’t understand is why money isn’t allowed
to change hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The taboo seems to me to have parallels with
what our society forbids – soliciting for the purposes of prostitution, a worse
crime on the books than prostitution itself. Why is asking someone to sell
their body, or at least the use of it (putting organ sales aside), worse than
offering to sell?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Because, the logic seems to run, people are
vulnerable to money. Money will induce them to do what they wouldn’t do for
free.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Money is what we have chosen as our currency,
our means of exchange. In most cases it’s accepted that giving money is a fair
way to compensate for wrongs. If my negligence or malice injures another
person, the court (as well as jailing me) may order me to pay my victim money.
Taken in that order – injury then payment – the exchange of money for the
physical person has been normalised. And any shearer, builder’s laborer or
overnight-shift taxi driver will yell you that risk and physical wear and tear
are the price of money in their jobs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">But we don’t allow payment in order to use the
body for particular purposes, and most of all, purposes to do with sexuality or
privileging one person’s body over another’s. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">My body is no good for the purposes of
childbearing. I am not, as the law stands, allowed to pay someone else to use
their body as a gestational surrogate for mine. I can pay nannies to look after
my child 24/7, but I can’t pay someone to help me have a child. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Along with the prohibition on soliciting, the
laws are protective in intent. They position the potentially used person as
vulnerable to the lure of cash, in effect suggesting that if the money wasn’t
offered, he or she wouldn’t be doing what they do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">And skeptical as I am of paternalistic laws, I
can see a point there. I’ve been young and desperate for money, and as a mother
I can see how having a hungry child could induce me to take on a surrogacy for
payment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I can also see how simply asking anyone,
whether friend or relative, to do this, could put unfair pressure on them. I
wonder how many kidney “donations” in Australia have been for reasons other
than pure generosity. The guilt associated with being healthy while your
sibling is ill, possibly dying, must be immense. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">So I don’t want to ask anyone. I don’t want to
put anyone in the position of saying “no”. I’ve let one or two friends know of
my situation in terms that would allow them to make the offer, and I’ve agreed
wholeheartedly when they’ve said “I couldn’t do it” for whatever reason, or for
no reason at all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">But I look at those who do it – who travel
overseas or make private arrangements here in Australia (self-insemination for
traditional surrogacy, where the surrogate provides the egg and the uterus,
goes on a lot more often than you’d think) – and I can’t say they’re wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I mistrust myself. I know that the desire for
that second child makes me unqualified to judge the issues at the very same
time as it makes me alert to each and every question. I read an article about
women being trafficked for prostitution and catch myself thinking: paid
surrogacy is nothing like as bad as that. I wonder, am I trying to justify my
desires by comparing them to worse evils?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">But people do it. They travel to America and do
it. My choice, and that of most people needing to use a surrogate, isn’t really
constrained by the laws in Australia, just by
the amount of money we’re prepared to spend. I’d much rather give that
money to a woman who offered her help freely, and in the end I think I should
be allowed to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">How, then, to safeguard against “prostitution”,
against women doing it for the money and only the money? You can’t. The only
way would be to ban surrogacy altogether, in every form (and I can hear the
anti-s cheering): because if it’s done at all there will be family pressure, social
pressure, debts of friendship called in, money offered under the table. And if
it’s banned, intending parents will go overseas, to America, India and parts of
Europe where they can buy the eggs, the sperm and the womb as well if they need
to. I could do it tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">It’s a complex mix of respect for the law,
desire to have my biological child, fear of failure and just plain
administrative-medical burnout that keeps me from doing it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The laws in Victoria may change, eventually. I
may still not find a surrogate, or may not be willing to “commission” one
without being allowed to pay her; I may, in the end, not be willing to ask her
to take the medical risks. I may wait until I’m 44 and out of treatment and
risk it myself, or not at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">But I’d like to be trusted to make the
decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">About 15 years ago, as a weekend-shift reporter
for a Sunday paper, I went to cover a protest outside a Melbourne abortion
clinic. Margaret Tighe of Right to Life was there, backed by a row of bussed-in
protesters waving placards and shouting slogans at the couples scurrying
inside. I wrote a brief article, and a few days later one of those couples
called me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I went to see them in their pretty inner-city
cottage near a creek, and we talked in the kitchen while their toddler daughter
played in her room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">They told me their story: difficulty
conceiving, then a diagnosis of abnormalities in the foetus; decisions made not
only for themselves, but for their daughter, who would one day be responsible
for her brother’s care. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The husband of the couple was in tears as he
spoke of “our little boy”. The wife, full of sadness too, had one thing she
wanted to be sure I included in the article; her anger that the protesters had
shouted in her face: “Think about what you’re doing”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">“I’ve done nothing but think about it,” she
said. She wanted them to know that she was between a rock and a hard place, and
the while the choice was hers, they should not imagine she did what she did
lightly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">And that’s why, though I may not, in the end,
pay another woman to take one of my frozen embryos and bring it into the light
a squalling, breathing, precious baby, I wish I was allowed to. Laws which make
special cases of sexual and reproductive work claim to protect those involved,
but I can’t help suspecting that at heart they are just another case of telling
us (mostly but not always women) what we may and may not do with our sexuality
and reproductive power. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">What about the children? How would you feel, to
know your life had been bought? That one I can’t answer, except as someone
whose life has been extended by technology and money, and who has an IVF baby:
life is a good thing, and more so is life in a rich Western nation like
Australia when you’re a desperately wanted and loved child. It sure beats not being
alive. Enjoy it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Money to have babies: it makes me uncomfortable
too. I can see the abuses, the wrongs that could flow. But not being able to
offer money to someone who would give me such a gift: that makes me even more
uncomfortable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">That, from my hazy knowledge of Christian
theology, is why God gave us free will: so we could make the right choices.
That’s why we’re called grownups (men and women both, these days)…and here, as
I hear my son wake from his nap and shuffle down the hallway, calling for his
mother, is where I have to end. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">#</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-76750266710839633602013-10-29T13:32:00.001+10:002013-10-29T13:32:09.016+10:00quick post, bit of quiet time while R. sleeping. last night horrible, only a couple of wakeups but badly timed and no sleep-in; how did I ever survive the 5-6 wakeup a night period with A? simply can't allow that to happen again. if I didn't get a sleep this afternoon I'd be heading towards psychotic already...the senses seem to fail a little and I can see how hallucinations or at least misplaced perceptions would be easy in that state.<br />
<br />
slowly managing to get past the donor egg thing I think. it's take a while to really fall in love with him; not as immediate as with A. but I am missing him a lot when I'm away from him (which is more than with A thanks to the miracle of breast pumps) and I do love that moment when I unwrap him in his bed and he's all warm and curled up and plump and I can pick up that whole human in my arms and feed him from my body.<br />
<br />
he's put on 2 kg in 8 weeks since birth. another reason I feel so buggered I guess.<br />
<br />
haven't heard again from my friend who was doing donor eggs; guess she is not in a hurry to see me with my new baby. it's sad and I wish it was otherwise, both for her and for our relationship but I do not resent her attitude. she's been through hell. and eventually we will be friends again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-53022661831011734442013-10-21T14:41:00.002+10:002013-10-21T14:41:14.215+10:00seven weeks...R is being pretty good, though if I don't get a nap, the 1-2 wakeups a night + feeding make me pretty weary. still feeling a little besieged by the need to schedule in everyone who wants to see him, though it's not every day...my brother wanted to come and see us with his 3 kids yesterday but we were already going up there to see parents so went by his place...he then posted pix on facebook saying his kids had "finally" met their cousin. everyone seems to think they have a special claim when really all I want is to stay home and sometimes go for little walks/work on my exercise recovery.<br />
<br />
anyway R is fattening up nicely and learning things: eg that when I put him on the bed in the night, food is imminent. and today I managed to interest him in a rattle for five minutes, which was pretty cool. smile-like expressions are developing, and he sometimes coos a little.<br />
<br />
his big brother is still being a good boy and not as far as I can see envious, disturbed or acting out.<br />
<br />
being in new baby land is something that doesn't last long, I know. I sort of wish I could save bits of it for later use, while using those bits of time to continue with my normal life. am transcribing some stuff I wrote earlier in the year any time I get free time...but no idea if it will ever find a home or if it's a waste of time.<br />
<br />
managing the bf ok; wouldn't be without the magic pump. still narked at the lactation consultants at hospital - poor "service" at time and complete lack of followup. if anyone ever wants advice on bf with one breast, I think I now have all the angles covered...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-72167568206157877692013-10-07T13:51:00.001+10:002013-10-07T13:51:31.953+10:00oh, and bf-in on just one boob? do-able. not easy, lots of pumping (with bonus that dh can feed baby while I nap, if the screaming doesn't wake me), and I suspect I won't get that far without adding formula to the mix, as he gets bigger. but do-able. hospital lactation consultant not as useful as she could have been (we had to chase her up while in hospital despite her knowing all my issues) and has not contacted me since I came home. if I'd never fed before I don't think I'd have managed. first target was six weeks. then we'll see about 8 weeks, 10 and three months...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-58256634662428523522013-10-07T13:47:00.001+10:002013-10-07T13:47:47.149+10:00random updates and things:<br />
<br />
R. is getting his voice. he no longer sounds like a sheep. he has a little "aww, aww" sound he makes when he's a little perturbed but not hungry or angry.<br />
<br />
no one has any idea how to be QUIET when you tell them "the baby's sleeping". also the friends I love the best right now are the ones who know a short visit means an hour tops and fit in with my random schedule. turning up late/hanging around/demanding particular visit times is not new-mum-friendly.<br />
<br />
having just one boob means even if you have had a baby five minutes ago and are fully breastfeeding that baby, and you are 47, you will STILL get your period IMMEDIATELY (ie at 4 weeks 4 days). Internet tells me the ovulation suppression thing comes from the nipples. so that's fucking annoying, I mean interesting.<br />
<br />
am trying to write/work on my phd (fiction component) and hoping I'm not wasting precious hours. would really like to get this one out there.<br />
<br />
re: the egg donation. keep thinking of what Dawn at This Woman's Work once wrote: about the difference between the noun "mother" and the verb "to mother". though my "to mother" started a bit earlier than did hers when she adopted her second baby. I will never be R's genetic mother. but from there on it, it's all me. and still a little cautious about my ED's approach. letting her comments about how her kids did this or that (slept, fed) slide; not buying into the comparisons. after all R is half my dh's genes as well, and all himself.<br />
<br />
baby asleep four hours now. boob hurts. child #1 due back in 1hr. had better do something that makes me feel like I still have a life, in writing if not Out There on my bike/in the pool etc (though did swim a tiny kittenish swim twice on weekend. I'll get there).<br />
<br />
five weeks in...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-52769298497244175672013-09-10T16:23:00.000+10:002013-09-10T16:23:27.660+10:00back on after 10 days off...or longer of course, most of my thinking has been going on my discussion boards...anyway: baby Rufus is here!<br />
<br />
caesar went well...bit strange all round and I burst into tears when I heard him cry and more so when I saw him.<br />
<br />
I'm slow: triple whammy of healing, bf-ing and sleep deprivation...too early to tell if he'll be a good sleeper, he's 8 days old and very random with it so far but some long sleeps in there. have a surprising amount of appointments and admin to do...dh is home with me for the rest of this week so I have help and have managed a nap each day which seems essential...I am OLD, after all.<br />
<br />
will try to update more often. right now lots of little jobs to do online, so this will have to do...<br />
<br />
:)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-51382491863241211042013-08-11T21:26:00.001+10:002013-08-11T21:26:21.796+10:00still here and still pregnant. 3 weeks to go until the caesarian section. pretty sure I won't go early, A was 11 days late...which gives me a little time to sort out the stuff DH is gradually bringing down from the room. organise my studies for a year off. do my tax. worry about the state of the house. etc.<br />
<br />
:)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-52528482541224338882013-04-14T10:27:00.001+10:002013-04-14T10:27:14.229+10:00no updates for a while; guess I've been doing all my thinking aloud on the donation forum...20 weeks and one day today and everything is boringly normal, which is how you want it...am past the feeling queasy stage and still able, if I really suck my gut in and wear non-clingy clothes, to look non-pregnant.<br />
<br />
feeling slightly more positive about the whole prospect of a new baby, but that may be because I'm in denial. have done the essential things, like medical and working on the changes to the house, but not really achieving all the other preparations. more focussed on spending the next 3 months (weekdays at least) living up in the country with the nine-year-old. by the time I come back I'll be past 7 months pregnant...the boy thinks I'm joking about him carting all the wood in but I know that by then my hips will have gone west and I won't be carrying anything. still it will be a lovely bonding time.<br />
<br />
my parents very very excited and pleased. friends refraining so far from judgmental comments or negativity about my age. Dh's parents the usual lukewarm polite reaction, and MIL waited until I was out of the room to ask DH about the IVF. the reaction to the donation news was apparently: "Oh." feel like that approach is pretty rude in itself, but really the inlaws have shown they are not interested in being supportive per se. they just go along their own path and occasionally ask me to do things that don't suit me. sigh.<br />
<br />
getting kicked a little, but not enough to bother me. the baby is standing on my bladder, which does bother me...now if you'll excuse me I have to go and wee, it's been half an hour till the next time. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-38715682337122153142013-01-09T16:45:00.000+10:002013-01-09T16:45:15.421+10:00pregnancy vitamins? check.
booked ob/gyn and scans? check.
arguments with husband about him not taking seriously my need to eat constantly? check.
filled out waitlist form for childcare for a child not even born yet? check.
(srsly, there are so many babies around here that I know I need to apply now. the fantastic childcare centre A went to is one of my great hopes for sanity and continuing my writing/study career. MUST get in there in late 2014...) Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-28048295379814863392013-01-07T17:48:00.001+10:002013-01-07T17:48:12.195+10:00ps...the scan last week was perfectly normal. one embryo, heartbeat 140bps. a little winking light on the screen. a signal to me? but it's just a few cells still. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-59846317836150564942013-01-07T17:46:00.001+10:002013-01-07T17:46:53.004+10:00actually went to buy maternity bathers...too early but with my special needs in the bathers dept I thought I'd get onto it.
when I got to the change rooms it went like this:
girl: "you know these are maternity bathers."
me: "yes I know that"
girl (patronisingly, touching my arm): "that's OK, you can wear them anyway".
me: (almost sotto voce) "well I'll need them".
with the general implication I think that I am way too old to be pregnant, that it is unthinkable. wtf? I am 46, it's true. I'm not particularly old or young looking but I don't look completely past it. Or I don't think so. I guess she was in her 20s so anyone over 40 is ancient. still...
anyway, some notes I wrote out. not positive, and knowing people are actually reading makes me hesitate, but this blog is for me really...
Ambivalence. Dilemma. all those words that fail to express just how insoluble my position is. I can't have freedom and a baby. And I've only just realised how close freedome was. A is 9 and is nearly ready to do adult-type things with us. This baby will be far too young to entertain him/play with him. and it will be ten clear years - I'll be 56 - before we are even at this stage again. A will be 19. and I don't want him to stick around with his Mum and Dad and even little sibling. I want him to go out in the world: travel, work, live in student houses. I'm noticing how irritated I am lately by his little foibles and constant talking, as I never was before, and I know it's because there is now no prospect of it - child disturbance of my thoughts - ending.
No matter what DH says, the burden will fall on me. five years before we even get to the stage of school I'll be 68 when it turns 21. Things I wanted to do with A - say visiting those caves in South America - now will not happen. DH will get a job and travel with a baby will become impossible in the meantime. Sleep, energy - I'm so afraid of the loss. I'm not good at loss.
I can see no way of seeing this through without fucking up what was a perfectly good life. Why didn't I see that before? did I think I needed an excuse not to get a job? was I just trying to restore what I've lost, which is so long ago now, and so unrestorable? why couldn't I just mourn it, bear it? I am afraid to bear loss, to suffer. Am I weak, or have I had enough, too much already?
I have been so lucky - a house, a child, food to eat, travel, leisure to write. Why did I need more? now it turns out it might not be more at all.
---------
2021. I'm 55. A is in the final year of school. #2 is in Grade 2. 10 years of school to go.
+
it's A's sibling, my second cousin, so partly genetically mine.
Love - which will come
can travel with it.
can get nannies, help.
I've come this far and can't reverse it if it's lost.
A wants a sibling.
-
it's not fully mine.
I'm old and it will be harder, and will be an active parent for pretty much the rest of my life now.
loss of work time
just feeling it's wrong; that suddenly I don't want to be pregnant
lost concentration, thinking/writing tie.
fears of the cancer recurring.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-57519036734201954012012-12-29T21:00:00.001+10:002012-12-29T21:00:31.874+10:00ps: on the phone to my Mum tonight. talking about the mess in my house and putting A's extra toys up in the roof.
she told me not to do that, to just throw things out.
I thought, well, she's ruled out me having another child too.
the "telling" for this one is going to be huge.
seeing K in 2 weeks and then, a few weeks after that, we and our respective husbands are going to have to get together and get our stories straight. of course we won't do any telling till early March after 13 week scan.
I am inclining more to only telling key people about the donor stuff. vague references to IVF should do for the rest. not that I am embarrassed/secretive about donor; more that I don't want that to be THE issue with this baby. I don't want it to be "the donor egg baby". it can make up its own mind what to tell people in good time.
do know I'm glad, for all the complication, that we had a known and involved donor. to be pregnant right now with all my ambivalance AND not know a thing about the genetic mother, or be able to find out to tell later, would feel just horrible. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-45563629755180743222012-12-29T20:52:00.003+10:002012-12-29T20:52:48.897+10:00more processing, recording, unformed thoughts.
second beta: December 26, ie 3 days after first or 19dpo: 2669. right on the money for doubling every two days. I still don't think it's twins though. not just wishful thinking, I really don't. betabase (the site is down right now so no link) allows this in the normal range.
On wednesday I also drove 40 minutes one-way to meet the second opinion dr at his closed rooms and sat with him for nearly an hour with an IV drip of intralipids in my arm.
my antibody levels are low apparently; 1:80 for the ANA and just "low" for the other.
afterwards I decided I am: not going back for more intralipids. combination of being unsure it makes a difference, chemo flashbacks and just finding it all too much medical crap. no really, way too much. oh, and I am also pretty damn certain that this is going to stick. the levels are good, I feel pregnant. it just is.
I am also not continuing the steroids. they have scary side effects - insomnia the worst, which hit me hard - and can affect the membranes of the uterine sac and do weird things to (sheep) foetus adrenal setups.
we have our ultrasound on day 5wk 3 days next week. I think this is too early to get a heartbeat - I think it's basically 'cos my ivf dr wants to do it and we will have to trot back in the week after. sigh.
saw my cousin yesterday at a huge family do. no chance and wrong time to talk. it all seemed fine though. weird moment for me when her Mum was nattering on about family history - some shipwreck her grandmother or great-gran went through in the 1900s - and I thought, well that is this baby's family history. of course the other 1/4 of its great-grandparentage is the same as mine. and the final 1/2 is the same as A's. so it'll be 9/16ths of a full sibling. sort of.
and of course - of course - I am feeling weird and scared and terrified about the whole thing. I am feeling like I've made a huge mistake, and thinking of all the things we will now not be able to do with A. I had a book come out two weeks ago and it was very well reviewed in the paper today, and all I could think was "now I'll probably never write another book". I am finding that plan B was so well set up that it is now looking attractive - and besides I can't just dump it. I have arrangements, have made promises, have a PhD I have to get to a certain point before I can take leave. so there is no 8 months of floating around being pregnant and sorting tiny baby clothes. this is real life and of course there is a lot to do and it is going to be work.
and I am worried about how old I am, and whether my husband will really be supportive, and I am wondering why the hell I wanted this so much. I am realising how far apart my children will be in age and that by the time this one is A's age, he will be 19 and possibly not at all interested in a little kid, and we are effectively going to bring up two only children. and all that stuff. that is me. I am pathologically negative.
so I have to just hope, rely on, the love kicking in. on my sweet son finding his own way to be a wonderful big brother and to get a new aspect of life out of it for himself (terrible expression but it's late and you know what I mean). on, after the day 3 tears, falling in love with this child and not wanting to change a single exhausting, time-robbing moment of it.
at the same time, I'm drawing up lists, as I do.
under husband's annoyingness, some things I can do for myself.
under my age, becoming even more healthy; eating better, exercising despite sleepless nights, so I can pretend to be five years younger ("only" 42, that would be!)
under the rest of it, frankly, I will be spending dh's money (if/when he gets another job; he's a bit unemployed right now). wanting a baby and a sibling for A does not mean I have to be a 24/7 mother for the next five years. I'm damn well getting a sitter a couple of times a week. signing up for childcare a day a week from when it's one year old, two from when it's two, just as I did with A. (we are very lucky with carers around here). spending money on babysitters, making demands of my husband, getting time for myself. because that loss of self is the scariest bit of motherhood, especially new babyhood. and I'll need some 1 on 1 time with A too.
we are going to - A and me - go live in the country for 3 months midyear, to get away from building works. husband will come up at weekends, or we'll come back. that will be a very precious time for us I think. because though I am sure intellectually that the love will kick in for this second baby, right now I am just 100% in love with A, who is the sweetest kid.
sure he jumps on me, constantly asks me detailed questions about the Avengers, expects me to cook and clean with no thanks, drags his heels when given chores. but I'd die for him, so all that is minor, no? Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3019812.post-49177557656980004312012-12-24T11:13:00.000+10:002012-12-24T11:13:20.122+10:00Goodness. There are comments on my announcement post! I thought no one was reading any more!
When I got PG 10 years ago I had heaps of readers. that was when blogs were rarer and I posted more often though. these days I use this blog partly to look back at records and what I thought years ago. which is why I should post more often I guess; because one day I'll want to look back at this too.
:)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2