Friday, August 20, 2010

this post is quick but I wanted to make a note here; actually began the conversation with dh last night.

of course it all came back to how he treated me in hong kong and how I want him to promise it will be better this time. and I had to bite my tongue about a million times while he spouted rubbish like how I should take responsibility for that time, and he didn't think he'd done less than he could.

I was alone. I had an 8 month old child. it was too hot to go outside. I was breastfeeding. I wasn't getting any sleep - being woken 8 times a night. I was depressed and often in tears. I had to beg him to get one f-ing night in another apartment to get a good sleep. and I had a lump and he knew it and didn't get me to a doctor - I didn't know where to find one and frankly I was psychotic with exhaustion. and he dares to compare that to him having a bit of a cold right now and being a bit tired. at home in Australia. sleeping every night. not feeding. not, presumably, with an undiagnosed cancer.

and he thinks I should just move on from that. what I want, what I really want, is for him to step up for once in his life. not to be so fucking passive. to say to me: "if this is what you want then we will do it." but he will make me beg. I can see it coming. and because it's for a child, I will do it. and I will hate him for it.

and I have realised that if he says no, I really will leave him. he has let me live in hope, without doing my reconstruction, waiting, for six years. he has known this is what I wanted and he hasn't had the guts to bring it up. he now says he has "concerns" about our age and the strength of our relationship. the time for that is past. he could have done something about surrogacy. he could have - and he said several times he would and never did - started counselling. he could have brought these problems up in the cold light of day, not in a fight. and now I'm off the drugs, and in a month or two the drs will be happy for me to do transfers. I feel I am probably going to get my cycle back. so if he says no, he has cheated and defrauded me through sheer cowardice. and I will leave him.

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