Thursday, August 28, 2003

gravity sucks. I discovered this in the pool the other night; it's at the point where I am struck by the difference between turning around in the water and trying to roll over in bed. I am a huge lump.

and as I use my trolley to carry all my stuff and drive everywhere possible, and refuse to take the stairs and my bike starts to rust, I realise: this is how most people actually want to live. they don't like using their bodies and will avoid exercise and exertion at all costs. I guess as my invalidism is enforced I may as well enjoy it. but I'd better not get used to it.

baby was going crazy last night. kick, kick, kick.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

work! hah! when I am devoting my time to a selfish, opinionated and inconsiderate little being who just loves the sound of its own voice and doesn't care what my life is like ... then I'll wish I was at home with my baby.

honestly, just having been trapped on the phone for 75 minutes with someone I just needed to run a few quick questions by - YOU try shutting up an American-born professor of whatever when he's on a roll - give me a screaming toddler any day. at least it will be MY toddler.

ooh. the Kegelmaster
it looks like a joke, but it isn't.
funny there are so many spam emails about penis enlargement, but I've never received an offer for one of these.

"Kegelmaster™ WorldWide, is the premier distributor for this groundbreaking device, which has no equal. Call 1-800-523-4430. We ship the same or the following business day, and include with your Kegelmaster™:

an instructional video cassette (also available on DVD)
a full color instructional brochure
a free bottle of ID-Glide® personal lubricant
a free durable fabric carrying bag/storage case
a 90 day no-questions asked moneyback guarantee
free unlimited customer support, and"

I especially like the bit about the moneyback guarantee. I hope they don't resell them...

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

wow, a week since I posted. we went away at the weekend for our Romantic Getaway prebaby. it was nice. let dh sleep in a lot, had a little wine on Saturday night, poked about with an open fire, ate heaps. in fact, need to eat more; I think that's why I haven't been sleeping well at home.
oh, and 30 weeks today! baby is kicking more and more and sometimes my stomach feels like it can't stretch another inch. but it will, won't it?

trying to work. only four weeks left and it's hit me that I really do want to leave this job in good shape - not feeling like it's all been sacrificied to non-work things. still, they keep coming at me. stupid hospital cancelled our parenting class so I have to find another night. dog threw up at 54 am today so I have to go home at lunchtime to take him to the vet. stayed at work until 7.30 last night to make up for lunchtime nap. it's got to do with self-respect and self-image, I think. I've never let my boss down yet and was in danger of doing so. and dh has been run into in my sportscar, so I may never drive that again if it doesn't get fixed pronto. here comes the Big Change: from self-funding, bike-riding, independent working woman with a convertible to a Mum at home, dependent on dh, driving a family wagon. who am I again?

meanwhile Suspenseful is in suspense, and getting deep about parenthood.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

yawn. another weird 4 am hour-long wakeup. followed by a stupid early start to deal with renovation issues. this is my life.
got a call last night from the birth class organiser, checking what food we'd bring and reminding me what stuff to bring. thought no
more of it. arrived at work to find my pg colleague had taken great exception. the woman, probably a student, had got her partner to put her on the phone to discuss arrangments - a big no-no of course, to make that assumption that she was in charge of food and stuff.
which brings me to this morning's meltdown; dh has let me take up the slack in several urgent matters, including fixing up the insurance repairs on my car, which he was driving when it was rear-ended. and I know it comes back to the fact I'll be not working at all soon, but I told him it was being accepted a bit too readily that I would do all this renovation-wrangling and general business at the expense of my work, not his (dog needs to go to vet: he's got a work dinner: I leave work early. etc)
it's not as if he's supporting me; these days off are my HOLIDAYS. hah. some holiday. I guess I can only be glad it's keeping my stress levels at normally high, rather than the overload they'd be at if I was trying to work my full hours. but it's taking time out even when I am at work. yes, he earns 2.5 times what I do. big deal. I have only 5 weeks left to get a lot done, and I wouldn't mind the mental liberty to do so.

ob/gyn appt yesterday was also annoying. no sweet foods or fruit. running late due to delivery. horrid sugar drink at 11.30, quick ob/gyn visit at 12, with anti-D shot in backside, blood test at 12.30. no news = good news.

but the baby is the right size, was head down, though moving around constantly, and of course there was that heartbeat. which I'm no so excited about now that I'm getting constant kicks and wriggles from this, what? 1 kilogram? creature that lives inside me.

thinking last night when I was awake: how are women supposed to selflessly devote themselves to their children, give their all, while of course not becoming smothering mothers or living through their children? is it possible to be a good mother and a fulfilled person? Lord I hope so...

Sunday, August 17, 2003

skiving off a dh family lunch right now; we did dinner out on Friday night and I could only eat half the stuff that came to the table, and now I'm on the sugar fast ahead of the glucose challenge test in the morning, so nice restaurants are a total lose anway. not to mention that I'm a bit over formal family meals all the time; much rather just dag about, not have to sit up straight and make polite conversation and wait for someone to bring the food...will nap shortly, which I find much more interesting than flash formal meals right now.

baby kicked like mad this morning; dh got to feel it and was very amazed. friends came over to dinner last night with small kids; one friend gave her approval to the size/shape of my bump. not that I'd been seeking her approval as such. funny how different people respond. I think she'd secretly like another pregnancy and child, but it's not likely as she had so much trouble with the little girl she has a couple of years back.

29 weeks tomorrow. can't wait to be 30. someone at work, who has two kids, said that the countdown from 10 makes it seem much more real.

Friday, August 15, 2003

I'm sure one of my colleagues has a problem with my being pregnant. he was always the one who made comments about my clothing etc; the sort of thing to make a person vaguely uncomfortable if one cared about that kind of thing. luckily, though he's technically my boss's deputy, I don't give a rats' what he thinks, though I've had to move back from him a couple of times to get more personal space. he's not a creep, just lacking a few social skills, I think.

anyway, he more than anyone has made a point of mentioning that I'm pregnant; saying hello to "both of you", that kind of thing. this week he's in charge while my boss is away. so far he's spontaneously asked if I'd be happier working from home, said "not long now, is it?" and today again, when I went home for a couple of hours, ostensibly to sort out some renovation issues but secretly to have a nap, returning to work into the evening because we're going out in town tonight anyway, he msged me again saying I should work from home rather than commute in and out. hmph. I'd made it clear I'd rather work at work - I need extensive computer/data/web resources for my job and beside am trying to continue to appear to be working away in a professional manner despite being a biological creature - and I really feel he's trying to squeeze me into the biological creature box. which is the sort of thing that's made me reluctant to go to the nurses' breastfeeding talks at lunchtimes, etc, and why I try to get my pg friend here to restrict our pg conversations to our lunches. it's just not a good look, and does nothing for the sisterhood.

whatever. he's not really in charge of me - if he was I'd demand a change of job, I'm afraid, as I only work well for certain kinds of bosses - I'm just aware that if I were a 24-year-old junior, it might get to me, or make me feel I shouldn't be in the office. this is too subtle to try to explain to him, though if you're female you'll know what I mean. I'm just ignoring it and getting on with stuff.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

a friend rang about lunch; was feeling too tired and vague and put it off.
then I mentioned that I was now permanently off my pushbike and really missed it.
she kind of laughed and said "that's not all you'll miss."
should I not be feeling a bit miffed? just a bit of sympathy, not knowing amusement, would be fine, thanks. and I'm not complaining about everything that's changing, just the couple of things that really enhance my life. plus, I'm hoping to arrange things so that the bike doesn't rust completely over the next ten years, and so I don't become cynical about what I'm "missing out" on.

sometimes friends are good touchstones for what you don't want to do, rather than "examples" of what you should...

can't find a main link to the baby pages, but this singaporean site has some decent baby names on its lists.

another of my bulletin board buddies has had her babies. she had them two weeks ago at 27 weeks. which means they were almost exactly due when my one baby is due. I keep being glad we chose to do just one.
of course everyone has reasons for putting back two - it's pretty standard and if you haven't got a high chance of getting any, probably fair enough, too.
but now that I'm pregnant, one just seems so much safer and more manageable. if it was twins, I think I'd be frightened. with one, I'm a bit frightened but also able to imagine life being relaxed enough to actually enjoy him/her.

the kicking is pretty constant now. my pelvis is getting better, thanks I think to being good at doing my physio and icing (except yesterday, which was floor-polishing-induced chaos.)

a woman I know via work is being induced today, too. she was having liver problems, but made it to 39 weeks. I suppose I'll hear how she goes soon enough.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

One grapefruit juice, fresh.
One bowl of porridge (sultanas and milk).
One tea
One banana
One bratwurst in brown bread with onions
One apple juice
One donut with jam
Another banana
A cup of milk
Another tea.
A macadamia fudge brownie
An apple
A mandarin
eight apricot slice 1" cubes
600 ml of water
200 grams of vanilla yogurt.

and still, yet, this hunger burns and gnaws away at my soul!

it's only 4.30, too. was up to 140 lbs yesterday, 19 up on my starting point. clearly my body thinks it's not enough.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

don't tell my doctor: I went for the last, possibly ever, motorbike ride this morning. haven't ridden it for 20 weeks; we had to send it to the workshop to get it running again, and dh brought it home for me.
but it's Sunday morning, sunny if cold, there's no traffic, I felt awake and alert and my pelvic pain scale has dropped from a peak of six to maybe four, so it was now or never - I've already advertised it for sale.
the bump sits nicely in contact with the fuel tank. the baby probably liked the slight vibration. I took a very easy route, just a series of left-hand turns (we drive on the right here in Australia, remember!), up a main road, along a smaller road and back down a main road. and on a sunny morning like this, feeling the rush of takeoff a simple twist of the right hand on the throttle can give, and the freedom of movement that I've missed the past three weeks since I got off the pushbike, I could almost consider keeping it. I concentrated hard on the sensations; the pull of acceleration and decelleration (sp?) and the little jumps as I negotiated the speedhumps in our street; the way pressure on the handlebars turns the bike rather than needing to actually steer it; the way, coming back off the street onto the cobblestoned back lane, the best thing to do is speed up, not slow down, to get through the tight turn onto a bumpy surface.
then of course once I was back in our yard I tried to back the bike into the right position and pulled hard on the stupid right pelvic joint. I know that riding it anywhere seriously - to work, anywhere I have to park, anywhere I need to avoid cars fast - is just not an option. and I never ride it much anyway, these days, having become a Car Lump when I'm not pushbiking. but I'll miss it. and I won't give up my bike licence, just in case.

Friday, August 08, 2003

stupid architect deigned to visit the house this morning. after maybe 8 weeks of pretty much ignoring us while we got on with builder-wrangling. informs me that there's a 13 week period to fix any "defects", starting 4 weeks ago when we moved in. so why did he wait four weeks to turn up?
then he says it's best to wait until the end of the period to submit our "owners' list" so that it's a firm list with a payment riding on it. what a fool. here I am, 27 weeks, and he's suggesting we should hold off from a perfectly good working relationship with our builder, who is getting it done, slowly, and then trigger a tradesman-fest when I'm, what?, 36 weeks pregnant? the man has two small children. but he's an idiot who slavishly spouts about the "contract" - we think he likes to follow the rules because it makes him feel professional - and regularly suggests that we change the way we do things rather than he build the house to our needs.
plus he turned up with a student in tow. no biggie, but I'd asked him yesterday in an email to confirm that he got our to-do list, which he ignored. so I suggested that a phone call warning me of another person would have been nice, then mentioned that we weren't happy he'd sent some people from our street to look through our house a while back WITHOUT TELLING US. they were halfway down the hall before we saw them! he said "it was a building site" - the hell it was, it was our home, full of our stuff, it was Saturday morning and we were here working on the place! the only satisfaction we got out of it was to warn them that he has nada communication skills.

ah. that feels better. not exactly a baby blog, but can't defame the man on my regular blog. though if you're about to hire an architect in Melbourne, mail me their name and I might let on if you're in danger of hiring him. the house looks good, btw.

I guess I'm just feeling that nesting thing, and having strangers turn up without warning, escorted or not, is never my favourite thing anyway. she was OK; she tried to do the chat thing, but I nicely said "while they're (builder and architect) having their meeting, I might get on with a few things. and I did. I'm definitely not here to entertain his work experience people.

being naughty; sorting/moving a few things this afternoon. just can't resist it. the ice seems to help the pelvis a lot. I ran my motorbike for 15 minutes to keep the engine ticking over and very nearly went for a ride; I still fit on it. and I do want that last ride...

if I was religious I'd be thanking God for every day this baby stays in there, kicking and wriggling.
a woman on my bulletin boards had her boy at 25 weeks, and he's hanging by a thread. nearly 28 weeks...let's go the whole 40, baby!

feeling vulnerable and easily driven to tears or a state of exhaustion that's hard to describe; almost felt like throwing up last night and it hit me yesterday afternoon at "rest time" too. six more weeks' work, and that is IT!! so much to do in the meantime, too.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

how did I miss this one: another IVF blogger is pregnant! only 13 weeks, so much to look forward to!

and again this morning at 8.30, on my way to the physio in the same hospital as the IVF clinic: a couple, about our age, dressed for work, setting off down that corridor that at that time of the morning only leads to the clinic. they didn't notice me but all the same I felt almost guilty for having this belly. the idea of having to walk back down that corridor scares me. of course I probably will, when we're ready for #2, and hopefully by then with those frozen embies I'll be feeling positive about it rather than on a potentially heartbreaking quest. and I suppose - though I still don't quite believe it - by then I'll have a beautiful one-year-old child and it won't feel quite so much like the world is riding on the outcome.

so now I have one of those giant inflatable balls to sit on at home - a grey one, it was that or cream and we all know about cream and dirt! - and a kind of elastic girdle to wear if I need to walk or stand. I also have some upgraded, more difficult exercises and new motivation to continue them. and right now I have a completely freezing icepack over my pelvis at the rear. think I should ice it at least three times a day.

hobbled to the caf to buy my morning water (oh for the time I could cycle in on a Thursday and stop at the market for a quick latte!) and a woman I don't know at all, probably from sales or somewhere, looked at me and said "when are you due". so I said November, and she asked if it was my first, then she said something vague and approving. I guess that's the public-property thing kicking in? I don't really mind as such, it's just kind of strange.

last night I dreamed I was in jail for three months for some small crime. I was willing to do the time, but then I realised I would possibly still be there when the baby was born and I started getting anxious about all my classes, and what if I needed acupuncture to turn the baby, etc etc? dh says it was about my newfound lack of freedome and mobility. I'm not so sure it's not about my general stress and need to focus on baby stuff instead of all therest of it, all this work stuff and so on.

when the alarm went off (8.30 physio appt), the baby was kicking like mad. I have a feeling it may have turned; the kicks were up around my stomach instead of down in my lower abdomen. or maybe it was just doing arm stretches?

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

sometimes a line in my referrals can stop me dead.
like this one: 6w no heartbeat
somewhere out there is a woman whose own heart is breaking. and of course I can't say to her: I'm so sorry, I hope it works out better next time, that there will be a next time.
just a line out of cyberspace, the tip of an iceberg I don't want to imagine.

right, well, I guess I could see this as a test of my character. how well will I deal with what is really, truly shaping up as three months of chronic pain whenever I walk? went to have a small lunch today; walked a whole two city blocks in search of a tram, then 1/2 a block to the lunch place. could hardly face the walk back.
feel very grumpy with anyone who so much as brushes up against me.
had a bit of a meltdown with dh this morning about just how helpless I feel, how I feel I don't have time to focus on the baby thing; partly triggered by last night's "partners" class, which was nice but made me realise we have a lot of work to do if he's to really learn how to massage me in the right spots, and also how little time I do spend mentally connecting with/visualising the baby.
am going to stop work at 34 weeks. bugger it. I will be very slow by then, probably still in pain every time I walk (REALLY needing the afternoon naps plus an application of an ice pack afterwards to both back and head!) and there will still be a lot to do. and still have that hunch that Mr Wibbly may opt to appear as early as October 18, which would mean only 4 weeks off, not 6. and it was never a matter of money; dh is spending much more on automating the house than I earn in 10 weeks! it's more about being useful and hanging onto my past life. but as I can no longer ride my bike or even shop at the market, and as the income has to run out at some stage, I had better start adjusting gracefully. must have the Money Talk with him this weekend...

in other news, the woman who runs the place we often eat at noticed I was pg today - I was wishing her waitress, who is off to have her second, well - and said I was tiny for 6 months! I feel gynormous.

Monday, August 04, 2003

description of my current situation: in bed, leaning on 3 pillows. heater on. ice pack attached to rear of pelvis. laptop on thighs. on dh's side of the bed, towards the window, a folder of Things To Do, and a plate of cheese on toast. to my left, an old drinks trolley containing water and lemon juice, tissues, phone, mobile phone, etc. have made my one foray out today - to the dr, to get a medical certificate - and am now working from home. and I really am trying. have filed one small thing, have a few hours' worth of other stuff to do, have checked my Hotmail but not yet my work phone messages. with a tradesman due to come to the house tomorrow, I decided it was better to be sick today. wow this icepack is COLD. I may even get all my physio exercises done today, too, if I'm lucky. dr gave me a number for a preggo yoga/Pilates class I may join; I can't stand the thought of losing all my fitness over the next three months, as the reality of this pelvic joint thing sinks in; no walks, no bikes, and right now I can't even swim until this cold nicks off.
all of which should help with my new hobby of gaining weight, I guess; the scales were wrong last week and I've actually only put on a kilo in the past month, and although my ob/gyn and his nurse aren't worried, I suspect I'm not eating enough; woke up hungry twice last night, which didn't help the cold either.
I rang work to start the battle for a car parking space on site - I got the dr to write me a letter saying I shouldn't be walking (the tram is 500 metres away, as is the nearest all-day park to the office), but apparently someone has already organised me one! I don't get that at all; I hadn't even asked yet. they're checking if it's actually for me, but I am assured I can have one. it's only for two months anyway, and will make a big difference to my hobbling in and out to work - I figure I only have a certain amount of time each day on my feet, and a one-kilometre walk will chew most of that up.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

misery guts me: now I have dh's cold. I had to drive to the family "do" yesterday by myself because he declared himself too sick (240k return trip); so of course on the way home my throat started to hurt. I'm due back at work tomorrow after a week off. it will be a very bad look to call in sick, so I'm trying to restrict myself to bed today even though I'm not quite sick enough for that and it's lovely outside and we have shopping to do.
and of course bed isn't as much fun when you have a sore hip restricting your positions, can't use your stomach muscles and can't even prop the laptop on your belly. but I've read all the papers I can read and need to DO something. maybe I'll try to surf for baby names.

all and sundry - aunties and uncles etc - treated me like I was very clever indeed yesterday; most haven't seen me since I got pg. we were even given a pair of little booties and bibs - which of course I dropped on my way in and caught the dog playing with a few seconds later. no harm done, I think but it will be interesting teaching him the difference between his and the babys' toys.

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