Monday, May 20, 2002

how annoying. beset by anxiety, I rang the specialist's rooms to see exactly when she was going to be away. turns out she's having a baby - my last gynaecologist, for a different problem, did that too - and won't be back till mid-November.

so I'm going to go see the second specialist my gp recommended. I want to get this surgery happening as soon as I'm back from overseas in late Septemer/early October. for one thing, I am not 100 per cent sure I want a mother of a three month old baby operating on me. politically incorrect? you think about it. would you want a sleep-deprived, baby-obsessed new mother flying your plane? cutting YOUR abdomen open?

plus I'm not confident she'll come back. all very utterly annoying. Day 25 or so today, but so sure I'm not pregnant that I'm not even interested in my temperature readings (though taking them like a good girl). even got the premenstrual grumpies with my bike's flat tyre this morning.

Saturday, May 18, 2002

the helper at my husband's grandpa's house was telling us to have children today.
I really ought to have put her in her place (I'd never met her before) by running crying from the room or similar. but we're all too polite and nice, aren't we.
unbelievably rude and presumptuous, I thought. and in front of my mother in law, too.
feels like soon we'll have to explain to her that yes, we are trying
but I don't need sympathy. never been good at being comforted by anyone other than my chosen confidante for the problem at hand.

I'm 36 the week after next. wondering if I should go back to the specialist and bring the thingy-scopy surgery forward.

bothered by: the way my friends who have kids effectively dismiss my views on children. one in particular, an old and good friend, has an offhand way of contradicting me - almost a scoff.
doesn't it matter that I have an 18-year-old nephew I have given much to. that I've repeatedly babysat her (and many other) kids. That I"m simply 35 and might know something?
or is it just her attitude, the scoffing, the superiority, that botheres me. either way, last night at times I felt quite superfluous to their mumsy chats.

Friday, May 10, 2002

no, nothing to say. might be ovulating. my thermometer's battery is dying so i can't really tell for sure. having sex anyway. day 16.

Sunday, May 05, 2002

not being sure whether I'll ever actually have kids does make it hard to plan.
I mean, they are two very different tracks, aren't they? childless, earning the average wage, able to study/take holidays/spend time dealing with stuff vs. needing to spend pretty much all my free time with a baby, and earning no money. although of course my husband will help keep any investments I happen to have going; I've been pretty clear that I expect that, and he thinks it's fair - our combined resources will be less, with greater demands. I'm thinking of making some changes to my finances, about to enrol in further study; all the time I think "but what if I get pregnant?"

what if I don't? I mean, I have to have a life and may as well enjoy all that nonbaby stuff, right?

Friday, May 03, 2002

a rather amazing stop-frame animation of a woman going all the way through pregnancy: seventeen seconds to Sophie.
her belly is amazing.
you need a standard media player.

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