Tuesday, October 18, 2005

1/2 way through paris trip. baby has just awakened; first time I"ve been up before him for ages. he's sleeping quite well on a proper bed; now understands "go back to bed".
we've been over to the UK for 3 days to see old friends of mine, who are annoyingly in love. dh and I spent the first week here fighting, pretty much. try to make the rest nicer. Sunday night they had friends over for dinner; nice people, but with four kids, the youngest of whom was "a souvenir of our holiday in spain" (ie, we're so fertile, and no, I didn't start the "why four kids?" discussion), who was still being bf (which is fair enough, but it gave me an unhappy moment to see it), and who asked me, being Australian of course, how Kylie was going. as if I'd know. obviously my friend hadn't worded her up on my issues. or maybe she had and this woman was so lucky she didn't realise. but I doubt that. before they arrived I'd been warned that the baby has a temporary very raised birthmark on her face. the first three kids are literally child models; the fourth gets pointed at in the street. a cute baby anyway. and my friend had a brush with skin cancer a few years back and doesn't seem to want to touch the cancer issue at all.

and I keep thinking: can I do it? can I stop taking medication that reduces my chances of a recurrence because I want another baby? also, with a mammogram and u/s two weeks off, I keep worrying about that side of things. still, Paris should help keep my mind off it.

baby wants wiggles now, and me. better go.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

baby and husband sleeping. self has just had nap and then Coke and chocolate. should be feeling good, as we are in Paris and weather is lovely. am, instead, miserable. am finding dh difficult to deal with, unwilling to tune into the Project (that being getting the most out of A's awake periods); on Sunday at the Eiffel tower he even accused me of using A as an "excuse" when I was talking about how we'd get stuff done in the mornings so we (A and I, yes, me too) could have proper afternoon naps. this is while poor little A is drooping all over the place with baby sleep deprivation. I've never seen him so tired before; he keeps sleeping in his pram and waking up in tears (the pram is very small and doesn't recline). and here I am in Paris surrounded by rather gorgeous people and I'm realising just how bad what has happened to me is. not that I'm looking to have an affair or anything. but it hurts to know that I can't; that I"m disfigured and pretty much stuck with dh for the rest of my life. now, if I hadn't had cancer I might well have stayed faithful to dh all my life anyway. but it would be nice to imagine I was still attractive to other men. I never had trouble getting boyfriends. but I'm not exactly a prize catch now, am I? I'm a mess in a way that a bit of fat, or a few wrinkles, are not a mess. there is no such thing as a mastectomy fetish. I've looked.

and being infertile and medically forbidden to ever ovulate again means this: I cannot leave dh, even if I decide, as I feel I'm close to doing, that he's just not very nice to me, that he's showing little consideration for my situation, my depression, the shit I've been through and how I might be feeling with this death sentence hanging over me. not if I want an outside chance of having another child. the embies are his too, of course.

maybe A. will have to be enough for me. I feel cheated. but so do a lot of people. and I've got more than some. I have a beautiful child.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

a sydney chick who can write in the 2ww. go encourage her.

and now the moment you've all been waiting for: I interview myself.

What made you cry today?

this. for obvious reasons.

What has set off a number of moral conflicts in you lately?

a) backing my car into someone else's at the kerb (due to poor guidance by a friend). In the end I left a note and will pay for the damage.
b)this: the woman has a right to have a child. the man has a right not to do so.

What living thing would you kill in an instant, given immunity, anonymity and the painless means to do so?

the dog next door

because it barks every time I try to take a nap.

where are you going tomorrow?


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