Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I hate it when I go online and there's nothing happening in the whole Internet.

but still, I'm:

waiting for action at Dawn's.

always laughing at getupgrrl's, even though I'm not Jewish and even though I don't think her infertility is a bit funny.

seeing my future at Suspenseful's, where M is a few months older than A.

and feeling great relief at Maria's

and can you tell me: should I go back to work in June for five weeks? I actually want to be in the office, being grownup, talking to people, doing stuff that makes me feel important. but I don't want to leave A. for four days a week. why can't it just be two days?

plus Hong Kong is still likely and if we have to leave in mid-June, life will be very busy just before we go.

ponder, ponder. have to decide by tomorrow.

Monday, March 29, 2004

think I've finally started losing weight - about a pound a week, but I'll take what I can get.

but mothers' group may sabotage that - our first self-organised meeting today and there was choc-caramel slice. yum!

of course there was the obligatory conversation about how some of them went off the pill and were pregnant before they could throw away the packet. kept my mouth shut for the moment; not interested in being the token infertile woman at this stage. chances are another baby there is also IVF, but we'll see.

A. will be my guest blogger today, from my lap: d nn y nn hhhhjn

Friday, March 26, 2004

it's march 26 here, so maria's deadline for the birthmom to revoke permission is almost over in the US, if not already passed. so she's almost there. I keep checking to see what's happened. I cannot imagine how cruel it is to have a baby knowing she can be whisked away at any second, even if it was by the birth mother.

am now even grumpier with dh. got heaps more sympathy from the bulletin board girls than from him. he just says "that's no good" and goes on reading the paper; they react with horror and prescribe professional advice. yes, he did stop reading the paper, but why do I have to get near-hysterical for him to take problems seriously?

fume, grumble, grunt...

FOUR, count 'em, FOUR feeds between the time I went to sleep at 10 pm and when I checked the clock at 4 am. Four. and another at 6.30 am, of course. this is insane. ridiculous. the last time he only woke once was 14 days ago, and that was unusual. two is bad, three horrid, but four is intolerable. dh reacted to my renewed entreaties this morning to get serious about bottle/formula feeding with a royal display of defensiveness (claiming that the fact I've managed to keep the house clean and not be hysterical consituted a "mixed message" about how important the bottle feeding = sleeping through project was). so I'm damn well teaching the baby to take a bottle myself, on top of trying to get enough sleep, keep the house in order, make sure we have food, etc. I really have no interest in even speaking to him right now. why should I have energy for him if he thinks his one-hour lunches are important enough to justify maintaining his 7pm arrival at home? I am so tired.

we've got soy formula, and as A. will not touch the bottle when he's hungry, I'm trying something new: giving the bottle afterwards, letting him play around with it. he does seem to know it's meant to go in his mouth, he just hasn't got the hang of sucking on it yet.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

why do people only have one kid (if they have a choice)? it may be that one is clearly easier to fit into a "lifestyle". it may also be that as we have them older, we're so overwhelmed by the amazingness of that first child that we can't imagine giving as much to the next without taking away from the first. or something.

this is the thing: these frequent night wakings, and now the shorter naps, seem to have got me to the point where, just sometimes, I resent him. maybe the idea that some work I would have quite liked to do will probably also have to go by the board is also having an effect.

I'm not proud of it. I know it's not his fault and he has little distinction between "need" and "want" at 4 1/2 months. but knowing he doesn't really, really NEED those three feeds a night, that many babies can "sleep through" by now, makes it seem a little less tolerable. am keeping on dh's case to get A. taking formula from a bottle so we can get me some good Saturday night sleeps, so we can try filling him up at night during the week, and maybe so I can, one day, leave A. with someone, anyone, for more than 2 hours at a time, and then at a prearranged time, not just straight after a feed.

babies are for life, not just for Christmas.

(but it's like Christmas here: zoomed up to Kmart this morning and found what I could, which was less than I expected, in the way of basic toys, like blocks and an activity table. also noted several generic-brand versions of things I've paid more for in more attractive toyshops. dunno if A. needs more toys, but I was sure bored with what he had. )

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

when he screams and screams whether I soothe him or not, where's the motivation to go in there? apart from fear of him suffering some kind of deep and lasting damage to his psyche, I mean.

every nap of the day is easy, except the one that falls after 5pm. he goes back to sleep fine during the night (even if there ARE three feeds some nights). but this period from 5-9 is just awful. today I don't know what it is; have I reached that point of tiredness where I'm numbed, or is some instinct telling me he's old enough? either way, when he woke after 45 minutes during the afternoon nap (allowing me about 30 minutes' sleep), I put him in his cot while he screamed and went ahead and got my tea before feeding him. now he's been back in bed for 15 minutes, crying continually, and all I'm doing is going in there, patting him and going out again.

at first I was doing housework while he cried - to prove to myself I'm not just being a selfish bitch? - but now I'm online. maybe I am a selfish bitch. but right now I just can't face another round of rocking, singing, leaving, hearing him go off and again and starting over, what? five or six times in 90 minutes?

yep, I'm a selfish, impatient bitch and a bad mother. I could do it. I could make myself. but I have a feeling there would be consequences to that beyond just this evening.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

work. hmm. five weeks' worth is up for grabs in June, with some training. trying to talk to HR about whether it would count towards my maternity leave or not. meanwhile, a nanny would be $200 a day - my income before tax, roughly.

Friday, March 19, 2004


well, I find it exciting... he went from his front to his back today. hooray for the rolling beetle!

on another note, I'm nearly out of Harry Potters to read while feeding. hurry up, J.K.

the night before last I had a dream: I was in a room and there were men opening or closing the high windows. someone pointed up at a man and said something about him to me, and I replied, "no, that's my husband there," pointing at him. but when I awoke I realised the first man was A., grown up, about 22 or so, with sandy-coloured dreadlocks and an open, clear face with a broad forehead and hazel eyes. I'm trying to fix that face in my memory. it's probably, in fact, a good guess - after all, I know my family's and his family's faces well, and I've seen many photos of adults as children.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I've taken valerian a couple of the past few nights. yes, I know it's not proven safe. I also know it's not proven harmful and that my God I need some decent quality sleep. whether it's because I'm home again or because of that, I've been managing afternoon naps. but I suspect, only suspect, that it may be causing him to be unusually wakeful during the day - meaning said naps are interrupted after maybe 20 minutes' sleep. still, even that makes a huge difference to my state later in the day, and dh has developed a bad case of work-busyness. starting to really feel what it means to have few people I can call on for child care relief - it's basically dh or no one. though when I go to talk to work about that June stint, I may be able to ask a friend who works nearby.

went to see my favourite cousin, a year younger than me, who is due to have a baby April 1. a little boy. incredibly exciting. I was a bit lost for words when I realised she's about to go through labour, though. poor darling. starting to understand why "no one tells you how bad it is". what do you say: "you're about to suffer incredibly, exhuasting pain?" yeah, like that will help...

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

One doesn't have to be either a superior parent or a liar to think, every time the kid screams so hard that a little baby lung goes whizzing across the room, "Man, this is hard - but nowhere near as hard as sinking foot-long needles into my barren ass every night."

damn, she deserves a baby. if only to pass on her sassy genes/memes.

sometimes when I talk or sing to him, I can hear my mother.

Monday, March 15, 2004

a quick update between loads of washing (have been reading other women's whinges about their dh's on my bulletin board and decided mine's not as bad as he could be: hence burst of houseworkness on my part)

the beach was good. not as restful as I'd hoped, as A. had his cold and I was afflicted with a bout of nap-insomnia and spent hours lying in bed not sleeping each afternoon. but anytime I wanted I could walk across the road to the beach, where there were pounding waves and rockpools to stare at. there are no cafes whatsoever in that town, so there was no going out, which suited me. we even managed to you-know-what. once.

something to fix in my memory: two hours on a cool but sunny day, with my baby boy sleeping across my lap, reading. I didn't get up for the whole two hours - I wanted him to sleep off his cold and I had my Harry Potter books and dh to bring me drinks. if I hadn't needed to get up and go to the loo, I'd probably still be there.

other bits and pieces: this morning hanging out the washing I could hear a neighbour's child screaming - either two doors down or across the road, I'm trying to make friends with both lots - and I thought "ah, isn't it nice to hear children's voices in the neighbourhood." meanwhile from the monitor came happy little yelps: I'd put him down a bit early, but he didn't seem to mind (unlike yesterday after the car trip. he was good in the car but when we got home he really lost it and I had to pull out all stops: holding him tight, dark room, rocking and patting and yes, the song.

a very driven friend (with two kids) came to visit two weeks ago. we were discussing maternity leave and she said, emphatically, that it was stupid for women to spend five years out of the workforce. but I might. see the kind of peer pressure I'm up against? almost all my friends work in the same industry as me and almost all of them have freelanced or gone back to work, some full-time before the kids are at school. but the fact is that that's a minority group. seriously considering the five weeks of fill-in work in June. it may decide me on what to do long-term.

a moment:
Sunday last week I drove down to the fabulous local bakery. at a tram stop someone tapped on the window. it was an Asian woman, running late for church. I let her get in the car. she asked what I was doing up so early, and I told her I was getting food, friends were coming over, I had a small baby at home. she has a daughter. she also lost another at seven months. why did she tell me this? I don't know. all I could say was "so many women have had such terrible things happen to them." and we have. it's a taboo, and I'm not sure why. superstition? men's sensitivity? it does get mentioned, sure. but often it seems enough to just refer to it, to say "I had a miscarriage once" when a friend has some similar trouble. maybe that's all we need: to be able to know we're not alone. picking apart the pain doesn't always help.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

five nights by the beach. lovely to be there, not so restful really, although last night he only woke once (after being fed to sleep TWICE) and I felt almost human this morning. blog tomorrow; tonight it's all been a bit much.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

not much to say. breastfeeding while nursing a cold (pun unintended) really sucks (that one was deliberate). I've only had small doses of the "draining" feeling people say bf gives you, until now. and waking up 2-3 times a night doesn't help either. the compromise is that where I'd usually push myself to get some exercise, I'm being a big fat blob. and not getting online much.

off to the BEACH in two days. who cares if it's going to be cold. we'll be away, and there's no mobile coverage. so dh can't get annoying work calls. hooray!

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

been thinking about the going back to work thing. and I wonder if those women who say it's to stop them going brain-dead are actually hoping they'll only be giving up the tedious bits of child raising. if they realise they'll also cut back the amount of baby fun they have?
I also know my own all-or-nothing tendencies well enough that if I start acting as if some bits are optional, start pushing him away, I could get very selfish. much better to say this is my job, all of it, all at once.

feeling stressed today; THREE feeds last night sent my cold recovery backwards, and I have a huge backlog of dumb chores and calls (including calls to work about arrangements for going back) to make, none of which I feel like doing. oh, and dh may or may not need to go to Hong Kong for six months for work. so I can't make any work commitments/arrangments anyway, and may have to gear up for a move, complete with housesitting/dogsitting etc at this end, at very short notice. may I scream now?

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

good news over here. the revocation was revoked. now it's just a matter of them all hanging on until March 10

his smile is inversely proportional to the distance between my face and his.

Saturday night. Gawd knows what time of the morning. I get up, get the bucket to put beside the bed, munch on some dry crackers and crawl back into bed, waiting to throw up. I don't, but a thought strikes me: what if I'm pregnant?

dh of course, says "when would that have happened?", but there was Valentine's day...

by Monday morning my cold was well developed and I'm pretty sure it was nothing of the kind. to paraphrase a certain saint: Lord, make me pregnant. but not yet.

aww, bummer. but she got up off the floor. I would not have wanted anyone to say this to me because platitudes are deeply annoying, but next time for sure. I hope.

Monday, March 01, 2004

I have a serious backlog of blog snippets due to the new once-a-day Net policy, having a cold (my first in a year), and of course not being able to call into "work" sick.

the paranoid-mother baby alarm flashes a green diode every time he moves. in the night I peek at it from under my sleeping mask, and it's like the flashing light on the starboard wing during an overnight plane flight; it shows me all is still safely on course and I go back to sleep happy.

philosophical questions my baby has already dismissed (1 & 2 in an occasional series): The Problem of Other Minds.

answer: who cares?

2) The question of a shared reality.

answer: I see the rattle. Mummy hands it to me. therefore we both see the rattle. wha was the question again?

A. is in love. yes, he's discovered that's him in the mirror - and he's never seen a more gorgeous baby.

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