Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas. have headache. got video of A being unbelievably excited about his giant Lego kit. went back to bed, which I never, ever, ever do. girding myself for inlaws long boring lunch. starting to think Christmas isn't as much fun as it should be.

on Twitter have just heard that a friend - who has a chronic disease - is going to have a second child. he is my age, and had been unsure about the second kid thing.

feeling achy and extremely premenstrual. day 13 po - wondering if the progesterone will even hold it back this time. test in two days. then I am going to ride and swim like crazy. but probably not drink. the reduced sugar diet seems to be suiting me, though I have just eaten toast and jam with tea because of headache.

it keeps appearing in front of me, this dream, and then fading away.

test on Tuesday morning. will get call probably on way to my extended family event. there will be babies there too, but that's ok. it's harder to begrudge babies one is genetically related to.

in six months and three days I will no longer qualify for IVF with my own eggs.

Friday, December 23, 2011

ok, so wasted some time looking at charting info online and in my book...a triphasic pattern isn't essential to be pg. but I'm sure I was when I got pregnant nine years ago.

better shut up now. driving self crazy.

temperature not doing anything it didn't do on the non-tx cycle. not even with the progesterone. I know what this means. I'm still trying not to over-exercise, which creates its own anxieties - it's Christmas after all, I'd like to eat and not stack on 3 kg doing it.

as soon as it dawned that the temps were no good, all the regrets and angers that the hope had been keeping at bay came flooding back. that, and a bit of annoyance that now I will have to have an opu and transfer in the middle of our one week at the beach this summer. fuggit.

but mostly the grief. the lost child that was probably lost from the second I felt that lump. maybe even if I'd been on the first flight home it would still have been lost. I don't know.

and we have school hols and I have lots of time with my little boy, and it's not that he's not enough. it's that I have always wanted that other one. particularly a daughter.

I wouldn't swap him for the world, or a million daughters, now that I have him.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

of all the inconveniences this stuff involves - the appointments at 7am, the waiting rooms, the juggling, even the injections - the one that gets to me most is the NOT EXERCISING.

yesterday morning I woke at 4.30 am and did a 3-hour ride before nine. that was a bit OTT, but many days I do an hour, hour and a half. I also swim every afternoon for half an hour. I have, after all, had cancer. I like exercise. and I have enough 45-year-old vanity to enjoy not putting on weight and having muscles in my legs and stomach.

and I wouldn't mind losing all that if it was for a baby (well, I'd mind but I'd accept it). But to stop exercising is hard - I'm basically addicted - and to do a 30 minute nanna ride like I did this morning, a glorious early summer morning, hurts. I forced myself to change down gears rather than push harder; I did some stretches after 15 minutes and came home. and this is the right thing to do - not stop, but to tone it right down so I don't overheat/get exhausted. but after yesterday's ride, I felt so good. addict.

in other thoughts, googled implantation issues last night. came across the info that a big problem with embies from older women is the mitochondria, which basically give out before implantation can happen. embies divide normally to start with then run out of puff. some of the vitamins the naturopath had me on: co-enzyme Q10 in particular - are supposed to help with that. sigh. big sigh. it's going to be a long 13 days.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

resisting doing the happy dance.

people - including ivf dr - seem to expect it of me. but until I am pregnant there is no reason to.

still, it is better than nothing: TWO embies. considering I'm 45 and had an FSH of 25 two months ago, this isn't bad. yay yucky tonic and lack of sugar.

one four celled, another two celled and possibly more as they said it had "come on" since yesterday. Grade 2.

both of course transferred. with 100:1 odds per emby, what the hell. test due on the 28th; I may test a day early, already juggling the next 2 cycles to make sure they don't fuck my life up too much. secret plan to go to India for a week by MYSELF is looking very shaky but may happen. it depends on a lot, and a lot of things I don't really want to happen. but India would be nice. baby nicer.

dr was running late; just made it to acupuncture a few mins late. seeing new naturopath on Saturday. did massive bike ride this morning which I told myself was the last one for a year. got to keep the rides down to half an hour of gentle riding, and the swims will have to be slow, like floating. not sure I can give up cold water altogether. might try to stay out tomorrow at least.

now it's bedtime and the joy of Clex. Clexane, that is. the ouchy injection. ah well. eight weeks ago I was dying to be injecting Clexane.

oh, and dh? has not asked me how it went. doesn't have a clue if a transfer even happened. has his sister over tonight. is a complete incompetent when it comes to emotional support. I mean, really. has not even said "how did you go?" fuckwit.

still I am in good mood due to ridiculous faint hope.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

so I have a transfer appointment tomorrow. and a new naturopath appointment on Saturday.

don't know if there are one or two embies. don't know if it/they will even make it to transfer. do know that the implantation rate at my age is negligible. sigh.

interestingly, the locum seems to have made my uterus less hurty than the dr I adore.

opu report: 11.30 Monday, two eggs - an improvement over last time's empty follice.

now it's 2.15 pm and I am waiting for a call to tell me if there is going to be a transfer tomorrow. and trying to rein in any stupid optimism as it's clearly unwarranted.

all I am doing really is allowing myself to exist in hope rather than despair. I'm not actually going to get anywhere.


Friday, December 02, 2011

it's been a bit ugly on the emotional/marriage front.

but this post is about how pathetically hopeful I am.

latest Day 2 (today) FSH level: 10.6. this is practically NORMAL.

I am living in great hope. and anxiety about when the next procedure will be, and if I'll meet my deadline just before xmas.

but mostly hope. pathetic.

those potions and pills must be doing something. will be munching my nuts and sorting my medicines more cheerfully for a week or 2 anyway...

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