Monday, June 30, 2003

 
a co-worker checked me out, then said something about liking my skirt today. I said "thanks, I never know if people are looking at my skirt or my belly". (to allow her to say what she was obviously thinking about me being pregnant).
she said "you haven't got a belly".
I said "I should, I'm 5 months pregnant". she was gobsmacked. heh heh. not that I mind the belly. love it. not unhappy not to put on weight last week for a change, though - steady on 135, which still means I'm over half the gain I want to make for the pregnancy.

and it's true. 22 weeks is 5 months. 5 more weeks is the end of the trimester and the baby will officially be very, very viable. got to get onto names.

 
it may be the hormones, but every day I'm managing one moment of gentle ecstasy or bliss.
one day it was at the market, moving amonst the people. this morning is was riding my bike through the park to work (the bike often does that!). last night is was sitting at the pizza parlour watching the pastrymaker beat and spin the dough, soaking in the warm atmosphere, being part of the scene; it was such a nice break from what we were actually doing, which was ripping up masonite from the floorboards at our house; had to stop when poor dh got blisters.
at the pizza parlour a younger woman offered a chair to me while I waited (she was waiting too). I was feeling friendly and comfortable, so I chatted. told her she was my first "seat offer". it turned out she had a baby a year ago - was sick right through - and NO ONE ever offered her a seat on the tram. people are so strange.
some of the pizza parlour people had a toddler they were handing around; others, though, were those young, hard-looking fashionistas who don't seem to be able to be in the moment.
I want my baby to be a warm person, one who has time for the moment, who counts blessings instead of problems.

 
went to a new hairdresser today.
(wow this new blogger interface is strange, btw)

she asked if she could ask if it was going to be "just the one". I thought she meant twins, then I realised she meant would there be another. I said, well, it's not always that easy, but we'd like to. she then naturally asked if this one was easy to conceive and I just said "no, quite difficult indeed actually, so we're a couple of years behind schedule" and left it at that. she's nice and all but I'd rather talk about babies and birth than IVF sometimes. looking forward.

Friday, June 27, 2003

 
omg. it's 4694 words. this is practically a BOOK. bummer. it's suppposed to be 3,000. how do you get this whole thing, plus science, plus history, into that space? think I'll file it at that length and see if they can make the space. after all, I'll be filing remarkably early - three weeks before publication. besides, it's a freelance piece and I get paid by the word.
;-)

ps: found the online word counter, if that's what you came here for.

 


cool. stolen, again, from an anti-abortion site. I'm 5 months (22 weeks) on Monday. haven't looked at our 19 week scan tape again yet: I'm afraid I'll see the genitals and spoil the surprise!
now I'm really waiting for 27 weeks, which is the end of second trimester - though I love it in here! - because at that point, the baby is highly likely to survive if it's born early. hell, we may even have a name for it by then.

 
ran the piece - which may be 4000 words plus - through a word use counter to get my most frequently used words (I was looking for a total counter, as word pad doesn't have one) and this is what I got
ivf 41
women 22
egg 21
one 21
|-Z 21 (I think this is a return mark)
say 17
trounson 17
professor 16
baby 15
pregnancy 15
clinic 14
day 14
embryos 13
transfer 13
first 12
go 12
time 12
treatment 12
two 11
just 10
new 10
problem 10
through 10
use 10
embryo 9

 
aw. as you can see from the two tests below, it doesn't hold material unpublished if you publish something else afterwards. was hoping to be able to use it as a bit of an info bank, but never mind; it's free, huh?

 
test

 
test

 
ooh, new blogger interface. wonder if it does future dated drafts and other stuff you get in pro?

anyway, I managed to stay offline for 2 1/2 hours this morning and just work on integrating the stuff from my interview with an IVF scientist with all my personal guff. it's too long now, of course. but I think it may achieve the desired result; which is to make readers cry without having to milk my own pathos too hard.
won't show it to editor until Monday. anyway, it's all he's getting. I'm happy with it.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

 
a really, really good argument for digital cameras. unbelievable.

 
got my first belly smile today. a woman in the ladies' loos here at work clocked the bulge and gave me a smile. kind of weird. but nice.

 
think I scared my poor sweet dh last night.
he called out from the toilet "did you know there's some blood on the toilet paper?"
of course it was just a tissue from one of my constant not quite blood noses. but he seemed so perturbed by it.
baby wibbling happy. life v. busy. etc.

Monday, June 23, 2003

 
and for no reason in particular: I'm feeling really good. as long as I get that crucial afternoon nap, it doesn't seem to matter that sometimes I'm awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night (this time after another of those lurid dreams; who needs actual sex when your subconscious can do it for you?)
I am getting bigger, but don't often feel heavy. I feel more strong and that my size isn't an issue for me. I am even relatively relaxed about house crises and other annoyance (but not always).
darn, these hormones are good stuff! I'm going to miss them.

 
wow. the Science Show did a one-hour piece on the origins of IVF. of course it is exactly what I'd like to have done with the piece I'm writing, but never mind. no way have I the resources to get to all those people. it's here.
interviews with Steptoe, the Browns, the Australian pioneers, the whole bit. great stuff.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

 
sister in law gave me a pile of maternity clothes yesterday; lots of mumsy blouses and stretchy pants. I think I'll want some funkier stuff to wear out/to work, but it's good to have something I'll be able to wear. the size 12 jeans are now best worn with 2 buttons undone, and my tights fall down because the waistband can't find a waist.

 
finally took some more photos. no doubt about it, I do look pregnant. at 20w4days it's a kind of gentle arc rather than that basketball-under-the-skin thing. and I kid myself that people don't really notice - and when I'm wearing a floppy top they probably don't. but with tighter clothes, I think most people would realise I'm "pregnant" not "fat" (though there is certainly more fat in there).

thinking more about the birth. the Sheila Kitzinger book is helping a lot, as it describes exactly what happens, physically. instead of just saying "contractions" it goes into how each contraction opens up the cervix, what the pushing stage really is, etc. in a very twisted way I'm looking forward to it as an experience - going down to that animal level of survival. well, it beats being terrified, which is the other option.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

 
stupid long lunch speech thing.
smoked salmon entree - I broke down and ate it, I was SO hungry, and it's a good hotel it was at.
mains - OK.
then they tried to give me a cheese platter and I had to hassle for a sweet dessert instead - soft cheese is verboten.
then they brought coffee around and when I asked for tea, didn't. then it ran so late I didn't get a rest in the afternoon and now my head hurts.

I wouldn't mind so much except the organisers did ask what my dietary needs were, and I told them, and they were clearly ignored.

/grump/

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

 
I cannot say how horrified I am at the "selective reduction" boards on one bulletin board I visit. one woman reduced from 6 to 3! another transferred three embies and got 2 sets of identicals and a singleton; she reduced to a set of twins.
I do not blame these women, and I really feel for them in their decisions. but why are their clinics doing this? are they technically incompetent when it comes to freezing? I expect it's much more about the user-pays, must-get-results-on-one-cycle system in the US. thank god for our public health system and Medicare; it's not as bad as it could be.

 
grr. have been informed that my ob/gyn charges $300 more for "IVF and twin pregnancies", lumping them both in as high-risk. there is no good reason for this, except that some IVF patients will be more anxious and use up more of their time. which I have not done. nothing we can do about it. grrr.

baby is wibbling away nicely; have felt it much more often the past few days, and still only as gentle flutters, which is nice.

 
a names page

Monday, June 16, 2003

 
archive trouble: the links are broken, but the code is fine.
if I click on "properties" of an archive link, then cut and paste the URL into the browser, I get there; if I just click on the link, it takes me to a 404. yawn. have been sorting out those other blog links. can't be fagged fixing archives now.

 
I'm working on my links over on the left. I need to go to all the blogs linked and work out if they're ttc/pregnant/fostering/adoption/something else.
and soon, I guess, soon, I'll add a "parenting" category.
heh heh.

baby is having a party in there today. I haven't come up with a cute name for him/her yet - one blogger calls hers "boo". sometimes it's baby, sometimes Mr Wibble. mostly it's just you.

 
a second-time mum's blog.

she's much smaller than me; only 113 lb at 12 weeks. I hit 133 this morning - one up on last week, five up on three weeks ago. have decided it was going a bit fast, and the sugar addiction was really kicking in, so I'm trying to up the healthy stuff and cut down on the donuts and coffee and stuff. yes, it's a time when I shouldn't diet. I don't need to stack on another 50% of my starting bodyweight, either, which is where it was heading!

 
20 weeks today. heh heh.
last night I thought I hadn't felt movement for a while, so I lay perfectly still and quiet (except for dh grunting and snuffling beside me) with my hands on my belly. and I'm sure I felt small movements with my hands; if that keeps up, soon the husband will be able to experience the joy of baby kicks too.

called the hospital to demand to know when the classes are. they still couldn't tell me; schedule will be mailed out soon. but apparently we'll be at September classes! that seems awfully late to me; I'll be 31 weeks. it must be because I'm due early November: I should claim that I'm due in October..

so I still don't have a yoga class organised. guess that will wait until we're home, in 3 1/2 weeks.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

 
I'm still at that just-round stage; not really pregnant looking. but I've realised that the way people look at me will change. wondering how I'll feel about being put in the "nup" category by men; I'm used to, on a good day, the odd appreciative glance. which is fine by me; I hate overt harassment, but the second looks, I rather like.

lying in bed with my hand on my belly, I realised just how small you're going to be when you come out, baby. how fragile. I wonder how I'll dare leave the house with you, carry you across the funky but very hard polished concrete floor in our sunroom?

it's just been a weekend of sex. which means all of TWICE in two days! Friday night I had some fairly lurid dreams. this is not uncommon at this stage; I suspect it's the stimulation of my uterus and other organs, which can resemble nothing so much as sexual excitement. neither of us is complaining; it's been pretty much a standard once a week for a while now. and who knows how often after we're parents?

feeling pressured by So Much To Do syndrome. have not done any baby preparation yet, except have the second bedroom painted lilac-blue and yellow (it was so nice to see it done yesterday). am worried that I won't get around to doing my exercises, doing my yoga classes, all that. once we're in the house it'll be better. I escaped a lighting store this afternoon (husband is addicted to them) and crossed the road to a BabyCo store: so much stuff to get! change tables, strollers, cots, little sheets, playstations ( and I don't mean the electronic variety). they were having a sale, up to $100 off each thing, but we just aren't up to that yet and I figure when we're home, we'll lower the priority of renovations and go shopping in a big way, and demand a discount for buying it all at once. I need to research what's the best stuff, anyway: must get a copy of Choice's baby-stuff reviews...

must get off the Web and do the dishes, too!

Thursday, June 12, 2003

 
a blog by a woman who was asking readers for money to fund her IVF; apparently when it got a bit widespread they took that bit down. anyway, she's pg with twins.
whatever it takes.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

 
yawn.
woke up with yet another headache this morning. went back to bed for 1/2 an hour and felt a little better. I think the air in here is bad.
when I did struggle in, the change room at work smelt funny. then I discovered someone had left a nappy in the bin. ew gross; I put it out in the corridor. it took me about 5 hours to realise: nappies will be my life soon! but they say it's different when it's your own... hope so!

19 week 1 day ultrasound last night went well, though seemed strangely an anticlimax. baby's head is 4.85 cm or similar across, measuring 19 w3 days. tummy circumference also 19w 3 day. thigh bone 19 w 0 days. so all pretty normal. it was hard to get a full body view; we saw the brain, kidneys, all the chambers of the heart, some cute little toes - and, I suspect, something that might blow my "not knowing the sex" policy; though dh says if I'm going to have that policy, I shouldn't be guessing. the very nice dr wrote it down for us - and the fact he was so certain only adds to my suspicions.
the photos still show the front-view alien face. no cute stubby profiles. oh well. strangely, the best part again was hearing the heartbeat at 128 bpm. it sounds so cool; like a warm techno beat. cervix 3.8 something cm, so that's good too. no more u/s's now, with luck. they only do them if there's a problem.
we didn't get a body length. its head is up (normal) and the placenta is high up at the front on my right, as I'd guessed from a pattern of redness in the shower.

and in the past couple of days the kicks/elbowings have got more distinct. they come in batches. it's quite comforting, and not yet enough to bother me or keep me awake. starting to look more pregnant.

yawn again. time for the midafternoon nap.

Monday, June 09, 2003

 
this site could be useful for posting photos of the baby: babies online

 
went a bit mad yesterday and spent $200 on two knitted woolly tops; one is basically a tent poncho, the other a button-up jumper which stops buttoning at the breastbone. they should be OK most of the way through. also spent about $130 on yet another pregnancy book ( the Kitzinger book, which has lots of good birth info) and two baby manuals.

we had dinner with friends who have a near-perfect two-year-old. she behaved very well. poor husband thinks little kids are all cute curls and smiles...the woman in this couple, H, agreed to be my second support person at the birth. hooray. she is the kind of person who will allow me to do whatever I need without any judgement or comment. I'll still need a backup for her in case she's unavailable or it goes on forever, and I need to think seriously about who that should be, but it's a very good start. I think she was actually quite pleased to be asked; we'll have a few proper discussions about plans in due course.

put on 2 lb last week. again. I've only put on 11 lb in the first 19 weeks, but at the current rate will stack on another 40 before the baby comes. will have to cut back on chocolate, chips and doughnuts. but not today.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

 
having agreed to do the freelance story on the whole IVF thing, I have naturally become obsessed with it. I'll need to do some interviews with drs - my editor has asked me to try to talk to Louise Brown, but she is a) in England and b) doesn't do interviews. But the core of the piece is supposed to be my progress through IVF as a "hook" for the rest of the piece, and it's that I've been reworking over and over yesterday (went into work on my day off!) and tonight (another 2 hours). it's too long a piece now. better get away from it and come back with the scissors later.

almost definitely felt a kick tonight, lying on the floor with my hand on my belly. it was like a pulse or throb, but larger, and came at 4 and then 8 seconds apart. husband was not all that interested, so I sulked. hey ho.

Friday, June 06, 2003

 
the paper this morning said women with boys eat more, so the baby weighs more.
it's the testosterone.
dunno bout that, but at lunchtime I say a man in his 20s pick up an earring from a phone booth and laugh with his mate about it. I told him the owner would surely come back for it - she'd have taken it off to talk on the phone - and he should put it back. he told me to eff off, but I think he did go back...
take no rubbish from no one, me. gotta be the testosterone. sure it's a boy.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

 
I've committed to a little extra freelance work, wiping out a lot of my extra leave. oh well.
and I really have to stay off the Web in work hours - have developed bulletin board addiction and between that and the naps, am not very productive. double oh well. the only times my brain really functions anyway are before midday and after about 3.30, after the nap and chocolate kick in, and my natural napping period is over. went to sil's last night for dinner - she has no idea what it's like to be pregnant. got there at 7.30, not even bread on the table until 8.45, dinner at 9, and of course we didn't get out of there until 10.15. therefore today is a washout. was hesitant about doing that on a weeknight anyway, certainly won't do it again. not her fault; she just doesn't get some of these things.

a thought about getting used to it, and treating it all as perfectly normal; I hope I never do, not entirely. I hope I don't become one of those parents who takes their kids for granted. I know I'll be annoyed, exasperated, etc, but I hope I can remember just what an amazing thing this really is.

starting to hang out for the 19 week scan on Tuesday. don't seem to have the same worries that preceded other scans. no kicks yet, but the sensation of something happening comes and goes, so I feel OK about it all today.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

 
about time we had some pictures around here, don't you think?



4 months. bandwidth stolen from some anti-abortion site.

 
cheeky baby clothes

mothers over 35

 
bonus. my maternity leave is not 12 months including six weeks paid: it's 12 months PLUS six weeks paid. that gives me effectively another three weeks before I go back, plus six weeks of half-time work if I do eight months off, and eight at halftime.

 
dr wrote on my notes that my cx is "long and closed". it had better stay that way. I am assured I am allowed to put colour in my hair. I think I am a very boring patient to him; nothing of interest, slight anxiety. good.
the best bit, as usual, was news from the womb: the fast little heartbeat on the speaker thing he has. it makes me smile.
only a week from today to the 19-week scan. inordinately excited about that.

note to self; next time you have terrible wind and feel like there's a large balloon inflated inside your entire insides, just tell husband so. rather tricky time to have a proper snuggle...

Sunday, June 01, 2003

 
exercise and pregancy

 
I had my first encounter with belly-feeling last night.
true, the friend responsible is a good friend, and a doctor who at least knew where to feel, but it still took me a bit by surprise. she just wanted to see if there was a bump. she's very happy for me. but it was weird.

another maybe-tickle as I was driving the husband home from his birthday dinner. maybe. I said perhaps I should have had a long macchiato instead of a decaf; that would have got the baby going, no doubt about it. there were about 3 dishes on the menu I was allowed to eat - it was all scallops and sashimi fish and soft cheese. so I ate those (allowed ones). mmm, duck. yummy.

my Mum saved a cutting from a magazine for me, telling how babies will respond to their father's hands (or anyone's, I guess), placed gently on the belly. I think she's going to really enjoy me being pregnant. apparently my older brother, her first, was delivered under a general anaesthetic. vaginally. ouch. they wouldn't let her unwrap the baby for 10 DAYS! while she was in hospital. it was the time of thalidomide, and they took the baby to the beach the moment she got out and unwrapped him, to see if he was OK. Dad was only allowed to see him through glass in that time. I can't believe my mother would have put up with that, but she says she was a different person at 24.

vaguely lying in bed this morning (did my one glass of wine, the first in weeks, give me a hangover? I didn't even have one on MY 37th birthday a few days back), I thought of all the things you'd need to do to simulate a pregnancy in a man. insert a bladder. fill it with saline every week, getting larger and larger. administer nausea-causing drugs. stimulate appetite. hormone shots. etc. of course if a man did all that and wrote a book about it it would be a bestseller. people would gasp in amazement once a real person had gone through it.

small niggle; I have had slight leakage for a few days. just little amounts of clear fluid with a salty smell. don't like it. luckily am seeing ob/gyn tomorrow and plan to make a fuss about monitoring of my cervix. 18 weeks tomorrow.

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