Monday, September 27, 2004

 
aaargh!

just spent 15 minutes on a full explanation of how I've decide to put A and I first, spend more time in Melbourne and so on, with lovely little touches about how I was watching him sleep as I made this decision (yes, insomnia again)... and it's GONE! and that because I tried to save it. what IS it with this Apple keyboard anyway?

anyway, that's what I'm doing.

save often. and carefully.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

 
I say "where's your lantern?"

and he looks around and *points* at the red Mid-Autumn Festival lantern hanging over his play zone. he's only 10 months. how clever is that?

 
Your answers reflect the presence of significant depressive symptoms. It is advised to seek a psychiatric consultation,
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and they didn't even ask how often I break down in tears, or compulsively pick at my nails, or spend hours on the Internet because I don't feel anything else is worth doing...

I keep thinking of a line in Kaz Cooke's babywrangling book, something like: "If you feel having a child is ruining your life, unruin it...find a way to do those things you miss." from where I sit, I don't see how.

all this has been brought on by an email from MIL (in response to one I sent her), saying how much she hoped I'd delay going home so I could see them at Xmas - they are arriving on the day I wanted to leave, 10 days before Xmas. and my reaction was pretty much anger, a feeling that it wasn't fair to even ask. of course she doesn't know how I'm feeling about this place. but I don't see why I should have to explain that. I already have boundary issues with DH's family, and would prefer to keep them a bit at arms' length as far as my personal business is concerned. their sympathy doesn't make me feel any better, just like I'm under a spotlight.

(oh, and the NYU depression screening test asks if you've felt that way "for more than two weeks". how about for more than two months? or another 3-6 months of HK to go?)

Friday, September 24, 2004

 
#@*%$# stupid little kitchen. stupid sleep-deprivation fog. stupid, stupid, stupid.

shortish version: housekeeper stacks dishes all over bench. I get home, have to put baby to bed, have discussions with housekeeper over linen issues, clean out last night's baby food from my new blender (whirr, whirr) and start cooking up some baby vegies all at once. dismiss housekeeper ("I'll put those dishes away"), put 1/2 of vegies on to cook, go to lounge to cut up the rest quietly away from the baby. 5 minutes later come back to find I'd turned the wrong element on, and because the bench is so *&%$# tiny, not one, but TWO power cords were resting on it, smoking carcinogens into the air. turn off switches, try to move things without waking baby, etc, etc. 15 seconds later, apt manager knocks on the door - the smoke alarm's gone off down in the office.

upshot: me buying one new blender and shopping for a new kettle to avoid their 30% markup on retail for stuff we damage. oh, and the toaster, which we'd already melted the side of on a pasta pot, but kept until we leave in case of further damage? no, that was perfectly fine. and we don't know yet whether the melted electrical cord will come off the very expensive glass stovetop. by the time I rang DH I was nearly in tears. I've always been a bit disorganised, but never done these kind of things before. since having A., I've dinted the car, done this and a few other dumb things. sleep deprivation is evil. and then I couldn't sleep this afternoon (or the last 3 afternoons), despite A. rediscovering the 90 minute nap. I expect I'm depressed. I'm also rigid with anxiety over not knowing what to do about being here and wanting to be home. whatever I do it's six more weeks till I see Australia again. I just wish I was home in my nice big kitchen with my dog and my backyard.

oh well. at least the fumes didn't kill us all.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

 
he's still a baby when he's sleeping, when I take him in my arms to feed him or lie him down beside me on the bed. he's still a baby when he sees something new and points at it, when he says "ah lah blah da da ooh!"

but he's not a baby when he stands up and cruises along the table, when he screams for me to return something I'd taken from him, when he opens his books and photo albums and looks at them, when he figures out a toy and does it again (or even repeats the trick on a similar toy nearby!). he's only 10 months old and already I can see the toddler in him.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

 
on the positive side - I've bought a blender! (oh, what a housewife I've become). it's a mini-blender for HK apts and it makes great mashed pumpkin and chicken. a small sop to my self- respect

 
So naturally as I spent my day swinging towards a plan involving going home in November and coming back in late January for about five weeks, possibly including a trip to England, I got The Call from FIL. A call which showed dh was dead wrong - they do expect me to be here when they come through, in fact were calling to check on my dates so they could adjust accordingly if necessary. Fortunately A. was just finishing dinner and started screaming his head off after about 10 minutes, allowing me to end the call - in fact forcing FIL to end it first. so I'm supposed to get back to them with what I'm doing in the next day or two. it's a lot of pressure - I got the line about MIL wanting the whole family together at Xmas etc. but why, may I ask, is she going to Germany for Xmas if that's what she wants? they are even flying SIL over here - a worrying thought as she may expect to stay here, which would definitely be Too Much To Handle for me.

I have realised that I'm starting to automatically treat my life as a crisis - even my own parents are too much for me to have here, it seems. but it's true that I was very, very close to the edge back in June when we got here, and it won't take much to push me over again - a few bad nights, an annoying visitor impinging on my freedom or expecting me to engage in polite conversation all day long. and of course, again, others have it much harder. but I don't really think it's fair that I should come back here for five weeks just for a couple of days with the in-laws, baby or no baby. the problem is that though that's what I know rationally, my internalised sense of duty says of course I must be here with my husband and see the inlaws. but I'll resent it if I do.

dh is late home, again. frankly, I'm lonely here. I love A. to bits and I have many happy moments, and life here has good points, but it's just not home.

 
time for a serious bit of thinking out loud (ie, a whingefest!)

couldn't sleep again last night. A. had a good sleep-in (nearly 7 am after a 5 am feed), and at 8 when he went back to bed, I did too. why? because I was tired? not really as I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep. basically because I feel very flat and not inspired to do anything else. I have small things I could do - some exercises, writing out his party invites - but not much else. I can't cook when he's sleeping because of the kitchen situation, and the flat is small enough that there isn't much other organising I can do. I think I have bored, depressed housewife syndrome. of course my parents will be here next week and that will keep me busy, but...
and of course I have it much better than many other people in this city. the fact remains that I'm in a small apartment, really just a jumped-up hotel room, 12 hours a day with an active little baby who will soon be a toddler. that none of the stuff here is mine, so I have to be nervous about him damaging things. that there's nothing outside but crowded, hot, polluted streets so long walks are not an option. that I have only a couple of friends here, one of whom has already taken a job starting soon, another who lives a long ferry ride away and a third who is nice, and close, with a slightly older child. there are a couple of playgroups, but they're relatively formal compared to the one at home. and there is so much I'd like to be doing, or trying to do at least, at home. there is a house to rearrange for my growing toddler, a garden to get into, a dog to walk, people to see.

pros of staying here: getting through all the Hong Kong experiences
dh is here
would have to make rearrangements to go home.

that's about it, really.

cons of staying here: see above.
oh, and all this sitting around is making me put on, not lose, weight.

complications of going home include that the childcare centre in our street has no place for him yet (and may not until March), and is moving to another suburb for renovations shortly, which is annoying.

pros of going home:

space
clean air
family
friends
dog
fewer flights overall

cons of going home:
effective single motherhood.
no one to sit A. while I go swimming.
effect on marriage
have to pack up/move a lot of stuff back to home.

of course there is no guarantee that I will snap out of this funk at home. but I think there's a greater chance. I also think that, selfish as it is, I have more chance of getting good sleeps at home, by eating earlier (dh's late arrival means I really can't adjust my schedule - ideally I think I should be going to bed at 8pm for a while to help me catch up on those lost months of sleep).

in a way I have too much choice. and I feel maybe that I don't "deserve" to just give up on this expat thing, that it would be weakness. otoh, most expat mums here have larger apartments, domestic helpers living in, and a sense of making this place home. I don't, I really just don't.

if I just suited myself I'd go home for his birthday and stay there through Christmas, maybe come over for a few weeks next year, maybe go over to England then to see friends too. ideally I'd have a day a week of care (not in my street, boo hoo), and someone at home would take A one afternoon a week while I had a swim. I could get a lot done at home, dh would get a lot of work done (but not eat very well, I suspect)

it's a lot of angst over a few weeks - going home earlier before his birthday really isn't an option - but psychologically being "home" would suit me just fine. so why don't I do it?? do I feel guilty that dh is working and I'm not? but of course baby bringing up is working. and a toddler in this small apartment will be hard work. yes, yes, people do it much harder everywhere. I know I'm a whinger. it's the presence of a better alternative that breeds dissatisfaction, I'm sure.

what to do?

Sunday, September 19, 2004

 
the inlaws have done it again - announced a visit at a time when I was not planning to be here. this time it's Christmas - dh is leaving on the 23rd,and told them that. but I was going to leave earlier, and havev been thinking of up to 10 days earlier. now they've told him they're coming from the 16th-22nd. dh says it doesn't matter if I leave just before they get here. but I will feel bad. and I know what MIL will think, even if she wouldn't say it. DAMN!!!

so I'm still not enjoying being here. there are good things I can do, and I'll make to to the end of the year. changing my November flights would be difficult and cost more ff points and might not work for our housesitter (unless I just kicked him out altogether from then). but after Christmas, I'll be effectively moved home. might come over for two week or so mid February for Chinese New Year and so A. doesn't forget who his Dad is, but the older he gets, the harder this confinement will be. I'd like to just go home now, but it doesn't work that way. my parents will visit soon, I'll find some more distractions, come home early for Christmas, and it will be OK. lots of issues around being home "alone" next year, but A. may even be ready for a day a week of childcare and as it is here, dh is out of the house at least 12 hours a day M-F, so it will be much the same. who knows if our relationship will survive it, but as it is I'm feeling lonely and a bit exploited (he does try), so that's not exactly romantic fairy dust either....

 
I will never be the kind of mother who deals with a screaming, teething baby by putting on a video

hey, we'd tried the Panadol. I'd cuddled him. he'd had a nap (and woken repeatedly, waking me too). and it is an "educational" baby einstein video. and he was howling and now he's cooing at the screen. so shut up.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

 
I've realised what his latest "wave" reminds me of: the Chinese lucky cat, the one with one fist in the air, waving.





other new tricks: standing for up to 20 seconds at a time (and sitting down properly), and letting go of objects. this is a big deal in developmental terms. plus he thinks it's hilarious to drop a block even a few inches.

(Damn! stupid "mail delivery" where they shove the mail under the door, and walk away chatting, keys clattering despite the dnd sign has woken A - as it often does me. this afternoon I'm going to ask them to drop it off the following day instead of doing that.)


talking to some other expats has made me realise that it's hard for everyone. that being in a strange place is very unsettling. that it doesn't necessarily mean I should run home. I dunno what to do, stay or go or what. otoh, we are going out on a corporate "junk" (gives new meaning to the word "junket" next weekend), and I may get to stay at a friend's place on an outlying island in a couple of weeks. I'll need it - dh has a friend coming to stay for five nights next week. He planned 8 but it clashes with the parental visit immediately after, during which FIL will also be here for two nights. I'm terrified of losing out on too many naps and sleepins. really hoping we can get another apt here for the parents, and the "guest" will just have to suffer an afternoon lockout while I sleep.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

 
the food thing: (warning - whinge)

as he gets older I'm finding it harder to make him the food he needs. boiled-up zucchini and apple mixes can only go so far.

at home we have a juicer, a blender, a grinder etc. here, we have two pots, a frypan, a microwave bowl and no oven. the local food is often suspect, and the kitchen is outside A's bedroom door. it has no windows - it's basically a hallway. nice though these apartments are, small and dark is small and dark.

he can't have: milk, eggs, cheese, nuts or fish yet. the local supermarkets lack a lot of ingredients I'm used to, or those that appear in Western-style recipes.

between these various factors, I'm really having trouble making him decent food. I'm afraid to try the fish and cheese things as we don't have a local doctor yet and allergic reactions terrify me (my brothers both have serious allergies.)

oops, he's awake. off to the supermarket

Monday, September 13, 2004

 
for some reason I've been thinking about the birth again. I realised that in memory, I seem like Alice, with a very long way between my head and my abdomen. that my image of the first time I saw A is not from a distance of maybe 2 metres (as it was), but across a room.

his latest cutenesses: the wild swinging of his bottom as he crawls. holding his arms above his head when he's pleased with something. waving - but now with his index finger in the air, pointing at the sky, or maybe the person he's waving at, who knows.

the birthday party theme has moved from clown to Chinese, on account of the harvest moon decorations currently in the shops - lanterns and so on. my only worry is how I'm going to make a cake in the shape of a dragon. I could go for his Chinese birth sign, but a goat would be just as hard, and sillier.

big sleep for him this morning. I wish I knew when they were coming so I could sit down and do something useful with the time. now I want him to wake up because afternoon nap will be commensurately delayed.

 
for some reason I've been thinking about the birth again. I realised that in memory, I seem like Alice, with a very long way between my head and my abdomen. that my image of the first time I saw A is not from a distance of maybe 2 metres (as it was), but across a room.

his latest cutenesses: the wild swinging of his bottom as he crawls. holding his arms above his head when he's pleased with something. waving - but now with his index finger in the air, pointing at the sky, or maybe the person he's waving at, who knows.

the birthday party theme has moved from clown to Chinese, on account of the harvest moon decorations currently in the shops - lanterns and so on. my only worry is how I'm going to make a cake in the shape of a dragon. I could go for his Chinese birth sign, but a goat would be just as hard, and sillier.

big sleep for him this morning. I wish I knew when they were coming so I could sit down and do something useful with the time. now I want him to wake up because afternoon nap will be commensurately delayed.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

 
ps: the below is the only reference to "inhalable chocolate" on the Web, according to Google, though there were some references to chocolate covered nitrogen bars (??) and inhalable alcohol. I think I'll have to start another blog, just to use the title "inhalable chocolate". no doubt next week someone will patent the idea and make squillions from it...

 
yawn again. at least I dragged myself to mothers' group where I saw someone I know and some new people. must start writing down people's names, details and babies' names. I'm hopeless enough at names, let alone in this round of expat mums in a state of jetlaggedness.

the housekeeper has taken revenge on me for objecting to her interference by instituting a work-to-rule. looks like I'm cleaning my own plastic containers and steamer from now on (technically she only has to wash stuff from the apartment). interestingly, A's plates seem to have been exempted, possibly on the basis it's not his fault his mother's a bitch.

 
the question is not why I dissolved into tears pretty much as soon as I got here, why I have already had a knock-down fight with dh over his domestic habits/lack of support for me post an exhausting trip, why I picked a fight with the housekeeper over her intrusive "tidying" of all my stuff while I was gone, why I am contemplating staying in Australia from the November trip back through to January (such a guilty, lovely thought), or even why I couldn't sleep this afternoon through 90 minutes of lying in bed.

no, the question is: when are they going to invent inhalable chocolate?

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

 
it's raining. our flight leaves in 3 hours. A. is asleep, I'm all packed, except for his alarm, which I'll squeeze into the suitcase after I wake him. I really don't want to go back. not to crowded streets, filthy air, people who can only half understand what I'm saying, taxis everywhere instead of walking and pushbiking, no dog, no organic food, the small apartment, the limited choice of friends - need I go on? Hong Kong is a perfectly fine place. But coming back here has been wonderful, I feel ready to get on with the house and my various projects (especially in the hope I'll be pregnant again next year). If I stay until Feb, that's six more months - it's two months until our next visit. I so don't want to get on that plane. But I will.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

 
oh, and he's: waving. pulling the dog's hair (good dog!patient dog!). understanding "milkies" and "little sleep" (I'm sure). looking around when I say "where's Daddy?" (in Hong Kong). and, get this: kissing his toys when I say "kiss for teddy?". I think I even scored one today, but I may have been exaggerating the meaning of a wet face-plant.

 
oh, and he's: waving. pulling the dog's hair (good dog!patient dog!). understanding "milkies" and "little sleep" (I'm sure). looking around when I say "where's Daddy?" (in Hong Kong). and, get this: kissing his toys when I say "kiss for teddy?". I think I even scored one today, but I may have been exaggerating the meaning of a wet face-plant.

 
(heh. Explorer is telling me it's very sorry, but it needs to close. but I'm just ignoring it and the post below did not evaporate. take that, Bill.)

 
I could write about how wistful I am about leaving, how I'm aware of life going on without me, how I wish I was bonding more with my mothers' group, going for pram-sleep walks with one woman in the group who lives nearby, getting to know the funky younger mother better, baking cakes to take for us all to eat. I could say how much I'll miss Melbourne's clean air, having the front lawn for A. to sit on on sunny spring days, the organic vegie and meat stalls at the market (as I munch into organic pineapple salad).

but what's really on my mind are two stories I heard when I went to Ballarat to see relatives - apparently different families, although the similarities made me think maybe one person had their details wrong. the stories of two baby girls, one four months, the other 6 1/2 months, who went to sleep - one at night, the other for the afternoon nap - and just didn't wake up. you hear so much about SIDS, but it hardly ever happens to people you actually know, or know of.

and I just can't imagine how a mother could keep living after that. it would be impossible to accept, to get your mind around.


(a PS: that site has most of its info in PDF, which is silly because it makes it harder to get to. but this research paper is interesting: it's worse in winter, worse for boys, worse at weekends. and the national anti-SIDS day was last Sunday...
And there are two or three babies a week lost this way just in Australia. maybe I rely on my paranoid-mummy alarm too much, but I won't feel silly insisting on using it any more. not that the news that it can even happen in car seats helps me. I'd though that the motion would stop them turning off altogether. nor am I comforted by the news that it can happen over a year old. A. is keeping his alarm on until the next baby needs it. I can't believe I didn't start using it until he moved to the big cot at 3 months.)

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