Wednesday, September 22, 2004
So naturally as I spent my day swinging towards a plan involving going home in November and coming back in late January for about five weeks, possibly including a trip to England, I got The Call from FIL. A call which showed dh was dead wrong - they do expect me to be here when they come through, in fact were calling to check on my dates so they could adjust accordingly if necessary. Fortunately A. was just finishing dinner and started screaming his head off after about 10 minutes, allowing me to end the call - in fact forcing FIL to end it first. so I'm supposed to get back to them with what I'm doing in the next day or two. it's a lot of pressure - I got the line about MIL wanting the whole family together at Xmas etc. but why, may I ask, is she going to Germany for Xmas if that's what she wants? they are even flying SIL over here - a worrying thought as she may expect to stay here, which would definitely be Too Much To Handle for me.
I have realised that I'm starting to automatically treat my life as a crisis - even my own parents are too much for me to have here, it seems. but it's true that I was very, very close to the edge back in June when we got here, and it won't take much to push me over again - a few bad nights, an annoying visitor impinging on my freedom or expecting me to engage in polite conversation all day long. and of course, again, others have it much harder. but I don't really think it's fair that I should come back here for five weeks just for a couple of days with the in-laws, baby or no baby. the problem is that though that's what I know rationally, my internalised sense of duty says of course I must be here with my husband and see the inlaws. but I'll resent it if I do.
dh is late home, again. frankly, I'm lonely here. I love A. to bits and I have many happy moments, and life here has good points, but it's just not home.
I have realised that I'm starting to automatically treat my life as a crisis - even my own parents are too much for me to have here, it seems. but it's true that I was very, very close to the edge back in June when we got here, and it won't take much to push me over again - a few bad nights, an annoying visitor impinging on my freedom or expecting me to engage in polite conversation all day long. and of course, again, others have it much harder. but I don't really think it's fair that I should come back here for five weeks just for a couple of days with the in-laws, baby or no baby. the problem is that though that's what I know rationally, my internalised sense of duty says of course I must be here with my husband and see the inlaws. but I'll resent it if I do.
dh is late home, again. frankly, I'm lonely here. I love A. to bits and I have many happy moments, and life here has good points, but it's just not home.
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