Monday, February 28, 2005

I think I remember asking the I Ching whether we'd get a baby or not.

So I went and asked it if I'd be in the 65 % or the 35 %. this is what it said:

"The present is embodied in Hexagram 10 - Lu (Treading Carefully): One treads on the tail of a tiger, which does not bite him. There will be progress and success.
The second line, undivided, shows its subject treading the path that is level and easy. He is a quiet and solitary man, to whom, if he be firm and correct, there will be good fortune.
The fifth line, undivided, shows the resolute tread of its subject. Though he be firm and correct, there will be peril.
The situation is shifting, and Yin (the passive feminine force) is gaining ground.

The future is embodied in Hexagram 21 - Shih Ho (Biting Through): There will be successful progress, and it will be advantageous to use legal constraints."

apart from the bit about legal constraints, which I can't imagine helping here, that could be worse. I stand on the tail of a tiger, which does not bite.

did I mention that my chinese dr said it was going well? meanwhile, I failed my bloods last week and now have chemo tomorrow. this may or may not wreck our planned holiday.

and that A. has a cold and is having extra naps? and all I can find to do with the time is blog, it seems. not true: I am actually trying to Write. but the computer is connected to the internet, which is an awful temptation.

Monday, February 21, 2005

don't know why I've been MIA lately. busy, I guess.

we got A's bike trailer last week, and his helmet last weekend. it's a pretty flash trailer, seems to trundle along behind the bike well. now all I have to do is actually put the baby in it and go for a ride...a bit scary really, like the first time we put him in the car.

next will be the trike-with-parent-handle, followed by the half-bike behind my bike, followed by a proper bike, followed by a big bike. I want him to love cycling - just don't want him to do it on horrible Melbourne roads. dilemma.

other developments; he's starting to pile up blocks, at least to try to when I show him how. I have a feeling he should have been doing that already, but really I'm pretty relaxed about his development. he's saying quite a few proto-words now, and understands a lot. he also knows what shoes are - at least, he put his cute little feet into Daddy's big sweaty jogging shoes today.

all in all we're having a lot of fun together. now if I could only shake this feeling that I need to pile lots of love onto him in case I die, and my anxiety that the more fun we have now, the more he'll miss me...stupid cancer.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

childcare made my baby sick.

it might have been the sausage at the bbq thursday night. it might have been the tuna past Friday lunchtime. but in the 24 hours before he started showing signs of a sore tum (at almost nothing Friday night) he only ate cereal and fruit at our place. and this morning, Saturday, he'd thrown up in his cot, and developed diarrhoea. bless him, he'd thrown up in the middle of the night and not even woken us.

I have to ring the centre Monday and ask if any other kids got sick. it had just better not happen again or I'll be asking what they're doing about hygiene. and if the response isn't good, I'll have to talk to the council hygiene people.

it was bad enough that they had salads at the bbq with NUTS in them. this, at a "nut-free" centre. at child height. A. may well be allergic, as my brother and his cousin are, and I don't want to find out. the salads seemed to have been supplied by the centre, and the coordinator simply moved them to the other end of the space when I pointed them out and said "they're for the adults" as if that would stop a toddler getting into them. especially my food-hog toddler.

not very happy. he loves it there and the staff are good. but these issues are serious.

relactation advice. in case I ever need it.

or maybe not, as prolactin seems as bad as oestrogen. so if we worked with a gs, it would have to be bottle fed? not good with my family's allergy issues...

Friday, February 11, 2005

the only thing better than a good 2ww is a good pregnancy. especially someone who's been waiting a while...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

how come grrl gets mentioned in the NYT and has thousands of readers, and I have a measly 30 or so accidental surfers every day?

oh right. because she's funny and intelligent and abstruse and posts well thought out raves, while I just wander all over the shop. OK.

we are celebrating A's new ability to stay up all morning with a series of excellent brunches. today he ate spicy gazpacho soup with carrot bread. and so did I.

he is walking everywhere - down the street, around shops. definitely a baby no more, my little toddler.

Monday, February 07, 2005

oh how I'd like to give this man a piece of my mind. he does not speak for me.

I am grateful for every chance I get to dry my child's tears. I do not mind at all showing him a tree for the 100th time, not as long as he gazes at it in awe yet again. I love the sound of his soft vowels emerging from babble, as rounded and curved as the David. didn't someone care for this man when he was young? didn't they make a sock dance for him like a bottom-drawer gnome? didn't someone sing for him (badly) over and over, to make him sleep?

and how sick I am of people complaining about how hard their lives are (myself included). those of us with the resources to complain, almost by definition, are in no position to do so.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

quick blog in stolen time: grrl is making me all teary again with her brave and forthright poignancy etc. and she's not a carrier, so it's OK.

and as of right now, I'm only a bit likely to die. I'm not dying. so life is good, yes?

and my baby son is nearly 15 months and I love him more than anything I could ever have imagined.


Thursday, February 03, 2005

just back from checkup #1. surgeon felt all lumpy bits and armpits carefully and said that it's all fine.

so I feel quite good, as if maybe I won't die after all. the aches still bother me, but she's a very good surgeon and says chemo can do this kind of thing.

now I just have chemo this afternoon to deal with. oh, and a large tree that fell on our nasty neighbours' house from our property and we somehow have to get removed while the whole town is dealing with fallen trees. hey ho.

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