Sunday, November 28, 2010

quick post: tx Friday. emby not much chop I'm afraid. technically viable but thawed at 4 cells and then just sat there like a blob, not losing or growing cells. Less than 15% chance, according to dr. worth trying, but not worth getting excited about. I sometimes thik of the opposite odds: if the 15% was my chance of getting sick. worth worrying about, but not winding up one's affairs for...

out to drinks the other night w. friends. conversation circled around babies and so on. but no inquiry as to my plans. these are two of my closest friends too. clueless, or afraid to ask? anyway made me feel - I don't know, lonely?

test on 10 December. don't hold your breath.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

12-day scan this morning (moved back from a convenient 8.30 to an annoying midmorning 10 am) and surprise! there's a follicle.

so my ovaries are not quite deaded yet. however, this is not the result we are after. old, chemo-affected, tired eggs: eerk! no, we want the nice young ones from me of eight years ago.

so the transfer is now moved forward to Friday. don't have a time yet. already I am feeling the pressure of the declining numbers: we have seven left. after this one we'll have six.

have just started a sort of diet. not great at diets and am still eating heaps. just trying to make it healthier stuff. fewer lollies and donuts (you would not believe how many cakey things I can eat in a single day) and more salads, bananas and wholemeal bread. it would be nice, if I get pg, to start the weight gain process from my normal weight, not my current 4-5 kilos over that. I even wobble when I walk. /tmi/

Thursday, November 11, 2010

tell you what I didn't miss: menstruating. the beginning of cramps and a bleed this morning. blah. and of course the joy of sanitary pads.

husband finally remembered to ask (on the phone) about 3pm yesterday. then he said something stupid last night and of course I burst into tears and walked out. then there were more stupid tearful conversations last night. he has no clue about how to be empathetic to someone who has just gone through a cycle to no avail. it's not him it's happening to, really. it all happens in my body.

I could have forgiven him the clueless not-asking, but the lack of sympathy afterwards - which takes the form of insisting that I live up to his standards of how to speak to him - really shits me.

yay for blogging. get it out of my system.

anyway, that makes today Day One of the new cycle. start the pills again in a few days. determined to eat better, get more rest and take more vitamins this time.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

garrh. wine. a sleeping pill. all the things I couldn't do the last two weeks. it's been a pretty stressful day even without the pg test - plumbers unexpectedly turning up to do major works, A's birthday party to organise.

and now I'm sitting home feeling sorry for myself and rabbiting away on the computer, all alone.

I have yet to tell my friends, apart from one who lives overseas, that I'm back in IVF. I think they lost interest after about the tenth conversation about whether I should do it. but surely some of them must realise I am now in the time when that's possible, as opposed to hypothetical?

and why am I not whining to my husband? because he is having a work crisis and has not even thought to call and ask me what the result was and will not be home until 10. I know it's a proper crisis to do with computers but I'm not sure whether to be furious with him for not remembering that his wife was having a pg test, or feel sorry for him that he is so one-track that he could do such a thing. not sure how bad to make him feel once he does realise. but he should feel bad. surely?

ah never mind. eat more bad food. drink some soy milk. try to sleep. tomorrow is another day and next week will be Day One of another cycle.

poor little three-celled emby, though....

negative. the first call came when I was talking to a plumber - of course all the works around the house fall to me because I only work from home (grr). it took 2 hours to finally speak to a nurse. negative.

and I surprised myself by bursting into tears after I hung up. I had thought I'd be sanguine. the chances were low anyway and there are seven more and I hadn't invested that much in this cycle. but enough, it seems.

that poor little three-celled thing. frozen all those years, then nothing. seems reason enough to cry.

now to stop all the medication and wait to bleed and start again.

Monday, November 01, 2010

um, so late Tuesday 26 October at about 12.20 pm was transfer. a three-celled emby that had started at four, lost two and gained one. a 15-18 per cent chance of taking, according to dr. progesterone levels fine. transfer a bit more painful than I remember - darn menopausal membranes! so trying to take care of myself and not think about it all at the same time. blood test due Tuesday November 9.

bit vague today, woke up at 5.15 am. went for a tired bike ride along the flooded banks of the Yarra. now sleepyyyyy....

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