Monday, October 31, 2011

I should not be blogging. I should be working on the manuscript, or cleaning the toilet, or something else useful.

I am still not really taking in what has happened. I am, though, taking in some truly disgusting naturopathy tonics. that FSH had f-ing better be down.

charting again, with no clarity yet as to where I am; hoping it will be a normal 28-day cycle.

went to a kid's science museum yesterday with the child. place was of course infested with pregnant women and small babies.

looked briefly at a New York fertility service that offers paid egg donors. why am I torturing myself like this?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

lots more herbs given today by naturopath. bet they all taste FOUL.

sigh. off to get kid then rush off to acupuncture.

absolutely no point discussing husband situation. he still at base wants me to just be nice to him. he does not get it. not even a bit. I don't know what I want. well, I do, I want a baby. but I don't know if what has happened, and his way of dealing with it, is going to be the last straw.



Monday, October 24, 2011

midnight notes from the bedside notebook:

scratching at my flesh, thinking: it's not enough. I'd need to cut a leg off for it to be enough.
and those cliched internal conversations happening for real: "you should have done more" (to myself), "you shut up"...and so on.

things to talk to psychologist about (have to get a referral next week):

running my life by avoiding regret - but it still comes because you can't anticipate everything, and priorities and imperatives seem to change.

and not having a very good relationship with the world. a lot of anger and resentment and constantly being reminded of what isn't.

Unkind thoughts about people I see. particularly people with babies.

strange the things that really hurt. trying to fill out my application form for a PhD next year. and all I can think is, I don't want to be doing this, I want to be pregnant instead. I can't even tell whether I want to do the PhD or not, it's just a blur. I just want to be pregnant instead. this was Plan B. I want Plan A.

struggling a lot with husband's role in all this: with the cancer being worse in the first place because of what happened in Hong Kong; with him not participating as he should have over the past year; with the times he caused me stress or just left me to do all the work during the past year; with the cycle I cancelled because he was inconsiderate when I had a migraine; with all of it really. it doesn't help that I am going to see the plastic surgeon this afternoon to talk about reconstruction. that, too could have been avoided by him just once in Hong Kong getting a clue, finding me a dr and taking me there. so much time and pain and general horribleness could have been avoided by him taking better care of me.

what gets me is that this could have been avoided, and he doesn't seem to have learned. that is what really gets me. just this past fortnight of course he is all trying to be helpful, doing tasks I"ve been asking him to do for ages. but I just find that pathetic and it makes me sadder. too little too late, when it could have been avoided.

of course a lot of it is my fault too. I should have found a dr. I should have done more this past year. but to be honest, I was psychotic with exhaustion in Hong Kong. I knew no one. I was there for his work, and trying not to ask too much of him because he was tired too. and this past year, I was trying to hold down a part-time job and have a life beyond IVF; I did a lot, but he did very little at all, and that extra he could have done, in research and in helping me, could have made the difference. I'll never know.

keep thinking that I should have had Clexane earlier. I adore my dr, but it seems like a simple thing, and if it doesn't hurt, why not throw it at the problem when implantation was the most important thing in the process, given the embies were supposedly the last.

were the last. there won't be more. I know I'm kidding myself with a fsh of 25 at 45 to think all the cards will fall into place. getting that fsh down is probably impossible, and only the the first step.

so not coping very well, no.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

two days into my naturopath diet; lots of protein, little sugar. I will probably feel great after a fortnight. but really all I can think about is how I should have done this before. also lots of expensive pills.

this is the stuff I need to talk to a counsellor or psych about...this being driven by regret, or avoiding regret. because regret is generally retrospective; if I had known I'd feel like this maybe I"d have worked harder at it. but I really thought maybe, just maybe, it might work. and it didn't.

not having a very good relationship with the world right now. angry and envious and generally pissed off at what has happened.

the next two blood tests will be crucial; if the FSH hasn't gone down on the next one, it might on the one after once I've been back to the naturopath in November for herbs. also have an acupuncture appointment Friday, and hoping to make that regular.

all takes so much time. time I don't really have. but that was why I didn't go in as hard as I could have earlier; trying to maintain a normal life. there are just over seven months left...

half the time I feel like crying.

Friday, October 14, 2011

hear that? that's the sound of a plot thickening.

dr rang last night: FSH 25. this is very bad. no cycle this time.

only hope now is that FSH is high because of the non-ovulatory cycle I've just done (it's an indication that the pituitary gland isn't getting the right oestrogen signals from the ovaries and is pumping up the stimulation) and that it will be back to an acceptable level, i.e. <15, next month.

this is all looking not so hopeful. strangely not as upset as I was. maybe it's that tiny dose of hope...I dunno. loving my boy so much it scares me.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

well, this is probably madness. despite dr clearly explaining the following: 5 % chance of any emby at all. 1% chance of that even implanting. 50-60 chance of it then miscarrying...we are in a new antagonist cycle, with two lots of needles and a

i had a scan, and there is in fact, on day 5, a small follicle forming. this is a good sign. so I did the FSH blood test - I was supposed to get the results tonight but haven't, so I'm going to go ahead and start the injections anyway.

have also made new acupuncture and naturopath appointments, have a blood test Sat and maybe Sunday, a scan monday and will have to do egg pickup sometime late next week/early the week after. all of which means I will never get the work I have to do done.

but I don't care. maybe I need to do this to prove to myself there is actually no hope. those odds are odds; until we try, we don't know how they specifically apply to me.

my dr said it's "not unreasonable" to proceed. she deals in these odds all the time. we'll see...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I know this woman. She's a couple of years younger than me; we met in writing class at uni maybe five years ago.
She's been doing IVF since, I think, just before we met. She has been through miscarriages, egg donation, pretty much the works. A couple of months ago her last two embies (of four; two failed to thaw) gave her a biochemical pg with no heartbeat.
I went to the launch of a book she has a piece in on Sunday, bleeding myself from that last failed cycle. I couldn't stay; the speeches about miscarriage were too much for me. She told me later by email that she'd started crying when she tried to read her piece aloud. She was fine with me having left; said it was amazing I'd turned up at all. She's like that.
And I wish I could have had a spare emby to give her. I am grateful that I have her to talk to. I'm also a bit guilty that I am so upset about my embies not working when she has no child. I wonder sometimes if a tiny, tiny bit of the reason I need her friendship is to remind me that there are people worse off than me; the gulf between one child and none is a different order of things to the gulf between one and two.

I am, currently, reeling. Bewildered. Prone, in quiet moments when I let myself focus on it all, to sudden sharp gasps and small quiet howls. I am full of regret, anger and what ifs. I want a time machine, to go back and do acupuncture, bed rest and other things for every single damn emby, not just the last two. I want to go back to before I went to Hong Kong and get the cancer caught then. I can't believe all eight of them are used up.

At another level, I'm marshalling my arguments. I don't see, even with the admittedly low odds, why I shouldn't be allowed to try another fresh cycle. Right now. Not next month, not when I've had a chance to process things. My IVF provider doesn't do fresh cycles after the 46th birthday. I have 7 1/2 months to try. I want to start on THIS cycle. If we get any to freeze, I want to freeze them then do another fresh cycle. I want to give those damn, frustrating, random odds that beset my life another roll.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

what I will say about this is that I have a review with the dr on Thursday, which is Day 5, and I am going to ask to go straight into a new egg-harvesting cycle, right then, that day.

they don't treat women over 45. God knows what the chemo has done to my ovaries (another regret/resentment about the fact dh didn't help me more when I was ill in Hong Kong - that could have been avoided, as could the extra time wasted.) But I am still 45 for eight more months and I am damn well going to at least see what happens if I do a cycle.

and I am not thinking about what I may have done wrong these past eight frozen cycles, or about how much more care I should have taken. not now.

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