Monday, October 24, 2011

strange the things that really hurt. trying to fill out my application form for a PhD next year. and all I can think is, I don't want to be doing this, I want to be pregnant instead. I can't even tell whether I want to do the PhD or not, it's just a blur. I just want to be pregnant instead. this was Plan B. I want Plan A.

struggling a lot with husband's role in all this: with the cancer being worse in the first place because of what happened in Hong Kong; with him not participating as he should have over the past year; with the times he caused me stress or just left me to do all the work during the past year; with the cycle I cancelled because he was inconsiderate when I had a migraine; with all of it really. it doesn't help that I am going to see the plastic surgeon this afternoon to talk about reconstruction. that, too could have been avoided by him just once in Hong Kong getting a clue, finding me a dr and taking me there. so much time and pain and general horribleness could have been avoided by him taking better care of me.

what gets me is that this could have been avoided, and he doesn't seem to have learned. that is what really gets me. just this past fortnight of course he is all trying to be helpful, doing tasks I"ve been asking him to do for ages. but I just find that pathetic and it makes me sadder. too little too late, when it could have been avoided.

of course a lot of it is my fault too. I should have found a dr. I should have done more this past year. but to be honest, I was psychotic with exhaustion in Hong Kong. I knew no one. I was there for his work, and trying not to ask too much of him because he was tired too. and this past year, I was trying to hold down a part-time job and have a life beyond IVF; I did a lot, but he did very little at all, and that extra he could have done, in research and in helping me, could have made the difference. I'll never know.

keep thinking that I should have had Clexane earlier. I adore my dr, but it seems like a simple thing, and if it doesn't hurt, why not throw it at the problem when implantation was the most important thing in the process, given the embies were supposedly the last.

were the last. there won't be more. I know I'm kidding myself with a fsh of 25 at 45 to think all the cards will fall into place. getting that fsh down is probably impossible, and only the the first step.

so not coping very well, no.

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