Tuesday, March 20, 2012

it's March 20. I have just over two months left. this is not going to happen, is it?

blood test is not till Thursday, but already I know. my temperatures, which had been relatively up, have dived to 37.5 over the past two mornings.and I feel premenstrual, not pregnant. it's day 13po so that makes sense really - I am normally 12 days.

so I took today off and went surfing. had a coffee to get me through the drive down, too. sometimes it's best to just say fuck it and induldge myself.

the psychologist - have I mentioned the psychologist? seen her twice - has said a couple of interesting things. 1) just observe your feelings. I don't know if I like that one, as I am not a fan of detachment. 2) remember you have chosen this path. that sort of helps, except I didn't choose infertility, cancer, etc. 3) oh dear I can't remember the next.

so expecting to bleed even before the test. if so will make them do it early to put me out of misery, and maybe get on with next cycle. though as I've been off the magic tonic for two weeks, I suspect fsh will be high again.

next step, if I take it, is to contact a cousin I have: she is the only relative who fits the profile. early 30s, already has two kids (though may be planning more). smart and able to make her own decisions. that will be such a weird conversation. and who knows what she will think. I don't really know her that well. but she will at least listen.

Monday, March 19, 2012

strange world when I have to remind myself that feeling awful may not be a good thing. haven't had a decent homecooked meal for a few days. had stupid acupuncture this morning, felt like such a waste of time. feeling a bit dizzy, boob sore. progesterone no doubt. test on Thursday.

have felt unaccountably hopeful this cycle. but really I know the changes are just above zip. temps were up a bit but may or may not have dived this morning.


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