Friday, September 23, 2011

quick blog for reasons of time and not wanting to dwell: argument with dh last night about general lack of interest in helping me out; came home from supposed "rest" pre tx to a messy house and pasta without even a vegetable in sight for dinner. so didn't sleep well and woke too early...

dh came to tx with me. then I rushed off to acupuncture

embryo 2 cells only, down from three. so basically not much good.

just been trying to work out if it's OK to swim. which I've been doing all along of course. of course it is. but I am so fucking anxious, depressed and teary. I am already grieving, I think.

testing a day early on 6/10.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I should be blogging everything I know but it's all such a mishmash of regrets and whatifs and mostly anticipatory disappointment.

doing lots of acupuncture. did ovulate last cycle. so the timelines were thrown out and I'll be doing the 2ww right through school holidays, often a notably nap-free time. that is of course if we even get to that point.

meanwhile still semi-lying to my friends with vaguenesses about stress and acupuncture to avoid their invitations to go out. I should be pleased, but I feel, rather, a bit besieged. their kids are older, in particular my best friend. for years I kept up the friendship before I had kids while hers were little. now I have a little kid and she is at a loose end, she seems not to make allowances for that. and of course she can't make allowances for the IVF because she doesn't know about it and on the basis of the reaction I anticipate from her - probably not the most sensitive person in the world - I just don't want to share it with her.

and wondering what's next, if there's any hope for a further cycle, wishing I hadn't let my ovaries get nuked during chemo. wishing a lot. and still holding in my mind my daughter's name.

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