Saturday, December 29, 2012

ps: on the phone to my Mum tonight. talking about the mess in my house and putting A's extra toys up in the roof. she told me not to do that, to just throw things out. I thought, well, she's ruled out me having another child too. the "telling" for this one is going to be huge. seeing K in 2 weeks and then, a few weeks after that, we and our respective husbands are going to have to get together and get our stories straight. of course we won't do any telling till early March after 13 week scan. I am inclining more to only telling key people about the donor stuff. vague references to IVF should do for the rest. not that I am embarrassed/secretive about donor; more that I don't want that to be THE issue with this baby. I don't want it to be "the donor egg baby". it can make up its own mind what to tell people in good time. do know I'm glad, for all the complication, that we had a known and involved donor. to be pregnant right now with all my ambivalance AND not know a thing about the genetic mother, or be able to find out to tell later, would feel just horrible.

more processing, recording, unformed thoughts. second beta: December 26, ie 3 days after first or 19dpo: 2669. right on the money for doubling every two days. I still don't think it's twins though. not just wishful thinking, I really don't. betabase (the site is down right now so no link) allows this in the normal range. On wednesday I also drove 40 minutes one-way to meet the second opinion dr at his closed rooms and sat with him for nearly an hour with an IV drip of intralipids in my arm. my antibody levels are low apparently; 1:80 for the ANA and just "low" for the other. afterwards I decided I am: not going back for more intralipids. combination of being unsure it makes a difference, chemo flashbacks and just finding it all too much medical crap. no really, way too much. oh, and I am also pretty damn certain that this is going to stick. the levels are good, I feel pregnant. it just is. I am also not continuing the steroids. they have scary side effects - insomnia the worst, which hit me hard - and can affect the membranes of the uterine sac and do weird things to (sheep) foetus adrenal setups. we have our ultrasound on day 5wk 3 days next week. I think this is too early to get a heartbeat - I think it's basically 'cos my ivf dr wants to do it and we will have to trot back in the week after. sigh. saw my cousin yesterday at a huge family do. no chance and wrong time to talk. it all seemed fine though. weird moment for me when her Mum was nattering on about family history - some shipwreck her grandmother or great-gran went through in the 1900s - and I thought, well that is this baby's family history. of course the other 1/4 of its great-grandparentage is the same as mine. and the final 1/2 is the same as A's. so it'll be 9/16ths of a full sibling. sort of. and of course - of course - I am feeling weird and scared and terrified about the whole thing. I am feeling like I've made a huge mistake, and thinking of all the things we will now not be able to do with A. I had a book come out two weeks ago and it was very well reviewed in the paper today, and all I could think was "now I'll probably never write another book". I am finding that plan B was so well set up that it is now looking attractive - and besides I can't just dump it. I have arrangements, have made promises, have a PhD I have to get to a certain point before I can take leave. so there is no 8 months of floating around being pregnant and sorting tiny baby clothes. this is real life and of course there is a lot to do and it is going to be work. and I am worried about how old I am, and whether my husband will really be supportive, and I am wondering why the hell I wanted this so much. I am realising how far apart my children will be in age and that by the time this one is A's age, he will be 19 and possibly not at all interested in a little kid, and we are effectively going to bring up two only children. and all that stuff. that is me. I am pathologically negative. so I have to just hope, rely on, the love kicking in. on my sweet son finding his own way to be a wonderful big brother and to get a new aspect of life out of it for himself (terrible expression but it's late and you know what I mean). on, after the day 3 tears, falling in love with this child and not wanting to change a single exhausting, time-robbing moment of it. at the same time, I'm drawing up lists, as I do. under husband's annoyingness, some things I can do for myself. under my age, becoming even more healthy; eating better, exercising despite sleepless nights, so I can pretend to be five years younger ("only" 42, that would be!) under the rest of it, frankly, I will be spending dh's money (if/when he gets another job; he's a bit unemployed right now). wanting a baby and a sibling for A does not mean I have to be a 24/7 mother for the next five years. I'm damn well getting a sitter a couple of times a week. signing up for childcare a day a week from when it's one year old, two from when it's two, just as I did with A. (we are very lucky with carers around here). spending money on babysitters, making demands of my husband, getting time for myself. because that loss of self is the scariest bit of motherhood, especially new babyhood. and I'll need some 1 on 1 time with A too. we are going to - A and me - go live in the country for 3 months midyear, to get away from building works. husband will come up at weekends, or we'll come back. that will be a very precious time for us I think. because though I am sure intellectually that the love will kick in for this second baby, right now I am just 100% in love with A, who is the sweetest kid. sure he jumps on me, constantly asks me detailed questions about the Avengers, expects me to cook and clean with no thanks, drags his heels when given chores. but I'd die for him, so all that is minor, no?

Monday, December 24, 2012

Goodness. There are comments on my announcement post! I thought no one was reading any more! When I got PG 10 years ago I had heaps of readers. that was when blogs were rarer and I posted more often though. these days I use this blog partly to look back at records and what I thought years ago. which is why I should post more often I guess; because one day I'll want to look back at this too. :)

10 years and 3 days: ovulation (OPU) was 4/12/02. this time we defrosted and fertilised the eggs on 7/12/12. but because our son was from frozen embies, this one has a due date two months short of ten years after his: 2/9/12. I have already been on the phone and booked scans, obstetrician etc. will seriously do childcare the minute they reopen in January. and have started a pretty notebook with everything from to-do lists to ruminations, which might siphon off some thoughts from here. told DH this morning. as usual there was no great rush of support. sigh. he means well, but doesn't know how to step up is all. right. nap time. Xmas Eve drinks loom.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

right. home alone, which is probably good as I have a lot to take in. finally pregnant. more than 8 years after the cancer diagnosis, I am finally pregnant again. dr had suggested I do a HPT on Saturday, even though bloods not due till Monday. so I did on Friday, then another, then another, four brands and five tests in all (one brand twice), all positive. so I rang and moved my bloods forward, got there at 8 this morning and just after 11 Rafael the rather sweet nurse called and gave me the numbers: 383, which is high for a singleton (I really hope it's only one!) and progesterone of 49.9. (then again, my son's beta was 703 at 16dpo roughly, so I'm not too scared of the twin thing. there are two embies put back, btw, I didn't even blog that, so jaded have I become...a 10 cell and a 5+ cell) am wondering if this has worked because on day 8pt I started taking illegally imported steroids, which my dr wouldn't give me, after I got a letter from the second opinion dr telling me I had antinuclear antibodies. I just damn well looked up the protocol on the Web and put myself on it. now I'm going to try to get in to see him and get on it officially, as ANAs can cause miscarriage. then again, maybe it's just worked this time, for whatever reason. there will be a lot of wondering and what ifs. so I have my son's sibling and also second cousin once removed (my second cousin) on board - it has about 1/16th of my genes, as distinct from the 1/2 it would have had if it was my own egg. more bloods Wednesday (boxing Day), a scan on January 3. and lots and lots of calls to drs to make on Monday to get into the ob/gyn. I know this post should sound excited, over the moon. and one part of me is. another part is terrified. a third is just relieved I don't have to do fucking IVF any fucking more...:)

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