Tuesday, November 13, 2012

haven't posted for 3 months; have been doing most of my venting on a forum I found. so we went through the whole cycle - my donor didn't come back too well from the anaesthetic - lots of time and effort on both sides and I admit to needing to slap myself over the head a few times and remind myself that she was doing all this for me - and we ended up with 17 eggs. Four discarded, five frozen, and only 4 fertilised out of the remaining 8. one didn't keep dividing, so we transferred one at 8 cells and froze two. also have to admit I feel that the egg freezing is overkill with those sort of numbers fertilising. dh is out of a job right now and the extra cost of thawing/ICSI again is something we don't need on top of the tens of thousands we've spent so far. anyway of COURSE the perfect 8 cell emby didn't take. the dr who did the transfer - male - said it looked really good. when I got the news I had a flashbulb moment: it is not the embies. it never was. those 8 from when I was 36 were just fine and should have worked. it is me, and my dr just hasn't worked out what the problem is yet. I suspect immune issues. so I have a second opinion appointment in four weeks with a dr with a reputation for an aggressive approach and expertise in implantation. A review today for my donor and me (separate) at which I'm going to get a bit demanding (plus tell dr about the second opinion). feeling pretty unhappy about it; because I am now sure, in my guts, that it will be an immune issue and while that may mean we get pregnant, it will be two years down the track and my own precious embies, my genetic offspring, are gone. know I am not over it because I am starting to cry writing this. fuckit. also have a FET scheduled for tomorrow and after much juggling of options, are still only txing one. there is still a 10% chance this has all been bad luck and the next one from my donor will take. but after that we are changing things: going to 5 day embies and doing two at a time. my donor has said she'll do another cycle, maybe two, which, with my age, means there is a window of less than a year to make this work - and if we have access to more embies, I'm going to be using the little critters up. so much time wasted on this. not at all expecting this next one to work. uncertain and worried about second opinion - don't want to change clinics or even drs really, there are lots of costs and logistics involved. sigh. so that's where it's up to. maybe the next post will be in two weeks saying I'm pregnant. on the forum, positivity is encouraged. but here, you know what? I am feeling very negative about the whole exercise. not giving up though, am I?

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