Wednesday, May 30, 2012

recently saw a writer friend's tweet about the word "ambivalent" - he was insisting that it meant strong feelings in BOTH directions, not wishy-washy, and should be used correctly. this is how I feel right now. I am devastated. I will never have another genetic child. I keep seeing that daughter in my mind. I am also, in a way, freed up. I can decide now not to do it; to go on with life with my 8yo and a high degree of mobility and freedom. or I can decide to go ahead and do the donor cycle. I will probably get a baby from that. but for today, I am weeping, eating chocolate and re-reading Cancer Vixen in one sitting on our couch (which couch I have decided I do not like as it is not the least snuggly or comforting). I think I picked it up because it would help remind me how awful cancer was, how lucky I am to still be alive. and because it is a sassy, strong approach to horror and that's what I need right now. I got as far as halfway to the clinic, at 8.15, when the dr rang. it was a blocked call and I nearly didn't answer but I thought it might be the clinic. when she said "when I call you know it's not good news" that was it. the emby had developed multiple nuclei. I rode home just thinking "get home, get home", cancelled my acupuncture appointment, rang husband and gave up doing anything but reading, sleeping and eating chocolate for the day. I am not looking at this, any of it, until tomorrow. and tomorrow night we are going to dinner at a fabulous restaurant and I am going to get drunk.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

so the clinic has a new thing: texting me about appointments instead of calling. so I stared blankly at the text for about a minute after I woke from a groggy nap this afternoon, wondering why I had to turn up 30 minutes early to an appointment. gradually it registered that the appt was tomorrow and that meant it was the embryo transfer. so I am back on the rollercoaster of what if it works, and of course in my mind if it works it is my daughter, at last. and this whole thing is crazy and unlikely. but I am fantasizing that tomorrow the emby will be 8, no, hell 16 cells and it will be fabulous and take like superglue and nine months from now I will have a baby; my genetic child, my baby, snatched at the last moment from a long and horrid medical process. of course this is not how things happen. but if I can be given cancer on my son's first birthday, why not a baby on my 46th?

Monday, May 28, 2012

bloody blogger dumped my post. anyway...this is an update here as distinct from the forum I've been on lately. opu today; my 46th birthday. one follie, one egg. dr had me on 175 iui but I put it up to 200. what the hell, eh? call tomorrow will tell if we get to the next step, but I really know in my heart it won't work. meanwhile, my cousin has pretty much agreed to the donor thing, to the extent she is managing her own appointments. we have to all get together to talk more and there is lots of counselling etc to meet the requirements, but she is booked to have an iud taken out in June, which would mean a cycle in August sometime. dr thinks she's an excellent chance. but driving/walking in the rain to see my cousin on Friday I felt overwhelmed by it, even more once all the appointments were made. and for the first time am doubting that I am really up for this: the donor thing AND the baby. I am 46. there is so much I could do. there is so much we could do with A. as he gets older and a baby will restrict that. on balance, is it the right thing? these are doubts it's difficult to voice elsewhere. if I do, the counsellors/dh/my cousin may put the brakes on. and if I find they are just a blip, then what? but I would still be OK if this cycle worked. maybe I just wanted my own baby. and if I can't get it, I've been through the pain and though it will continue, getting a baby via donor may not fix that anyway. it's my birthday. my little boy is home soon. going to play with him.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

things A. does: sings little songs when sitting on my lap. the songs are about how much he loves all the people in his life: "I love my mushy and my Mr and my Rshoo (that's the dog) and my pookies (that's the guinea pigs) and my (the names of my parents) and my Nan and my Grandpa and..." and in Minecraft, an online building/zombie murdering game he likes to play, he has built me a four-storey house. my favourite room is: "this one is for imagining you're in the snow."

Monday, May 21, 2012

bloods saturday; fsh 13.5. so here we go again. I am supposed to be on 175 of FSH but I am shooting up 200. wicked, huh? scan Friday. hoping to get this one over with. hell, hoping I'll get pregnant. but not really hoping that because I have .000001 % chance of THAT happening. le fucking sigh. meanwhile, cousin is seeing my IVF dr to talk through possible donation. I think she's still very unsure. but good on her for investigating it all properly. she's a brick. sleep now.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

ah. notice I didn't blog last cycle's disaster. no egg in the follicle. so now waiting for Day one and my last ever FSH test. no hope at all in that direction but when it's really over will still hit me like a ton of bricks I think.

blah. no really, blah. this has nothing and everything to do with ivf: I am having trouble focussing on things. my uni work feels like such a slog and a waste of precious days it's becoming depressing. at the same time, I don't want to give it up as it's paying me more than $400 a week and I like the idea of making a bit of my own money. otoh technically we can get away without that, no matter what dh says about the mortgage going backwards. I feel like my house is a mess, my life is a mess. and I wonder if a baby really would fix things. of course it wouldn't; and I know that the image I have of me happily pushing a baby around the cafes is not realistic. would like to stop everything and spend six months streamlining my life. but that is never possible. guess I"m just having a bad day today. no news from cousin. she got the brochures and is thinking about it. the longer she thinks, the less likely she is to donate to me I guess. her call. meanwhile I am haunting some forums hoping to find someone there - and of course get support etc - uni also puts a dint in the times I can do IVF - if I have to skip classes to go to America to do a cycle I will and of course this is more important - but I'm not good at that sort of half-arsed thing - skipping things even when I know in my mind what my priorities should be. think all the pain of the embies not working is still bubbling away. no idea how, or if, to tackle that, or dh's role in it. or indeed the fact that even if his apathy didn't make any difference, he was apathetic about such an important thing. but leaving him still doesn't seem like a great idea. having the urge to make huge unspecified changes in my life. they are probably best ignored until I feel better. maybe I just need to eat more greens. maybe I just need to shut up at this point.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

another rushed post. everything is rushed atm. opu scheduled for friday. one follicle. tx monday, if we get there and somehow I am doubting we will. talked to my relative today. played with her kids (well, the one that wasn't being grumpy) for the first hour and nattered on like old friends though I don't really know her that well - we see each other annually at a family event, that's about it. eventually got to the Conversation. tried to be neutral: said it was a situation we were in and I wanted her to know about it. and she was in no way expected to do a thing. but she asked lots of questions - she is sharp as a tack and I admit to thinking as we talked "you are so smart and attractive and I would love a daughter like you" - and raised questions and when I mentioned the info pack was keen to receive it. so I'll arrange that she gets that and then back the hell off until such time as she may or may not choose to contact me again. she is OK with the medical stuff - it's the wider issues of ongoing contact, any leftover embies etc that she needs to get her head around - all of which makes me respect her more. these are the things that need to be dealt with. no horrified reaction, but no rushing in. and if she doesn't want to do it, I feel like we will still be OK with each other...

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