Wednesday, May 30, 2012

recently saw a writer friend's tweet about the word "ambivalent" - he was insisting that it meant strong feelings in BOTH directions, not wishy-washy, and should be used correctly. this is how I feel right now. I am devastated. I will never have another genetic child. I keep seeing that daughter in my mind. I am also, in a way, freed up. I can decide now not to do it; to go on with life with my 8yo and a high degree of mobility and freedom. or I can decide to go ahead and do the donor cycle. I will probably get a baby from that. but for today, I am weeping, eating chocolate and re-reading Cancer Vixen in one sitting on our couch (which couch I have decided I do not like as it is not the least snuggly or comforting). I think I picked it up because it would help remind me how awful cancer was, how lucky I am to still be alive. and because it is a sassy, strong approach to horror and that's what I need right now. I got as far as halfway to the clinic, at 8.15, when the dr rang. it was a blocked call and I nearly didn't answer but I thought it might be the clinic. when she said "when I call you know it's not good news" that was it. the emby had developed multiple nuclei. I rode home just thinking "get home, get home", cancelled my acupuncture appointment, rang husband and gave up doing anything but reading, sleeping and eating chocolate for the day. I am not looking at this, any of it, until tomorrow. and tomorrow night we are going to dinner at a fabulous restaurant and I am going to get drunk.

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