Friday, January 31, 2003

I like non-gender-specific names.
Sam (samantha, samuel)
Robin/Robyn (though I don't think I like this one enough)
even Kim, though I wouldn't call a boy that, though it's a boy's name.

that kind of thing. names that can be short, but also have a longer formal own name is an abbreviation of a longer one. my mother thought it best that I be named what I was called. now people shorten it even more, to a single syllable. I don't like that, but I prefer it to when they use the long version of my name, which isn't me.

they will have husband's last name, which doesn't thrill me - it's one of those firstname as lastname things - but I don't really care.just have to make sure the names work well together.



Thursday, January 30, 2003

I was going to link to Suspenseful's 8-week-scan pix. but decided that's for her to do. they're pretty cool though. a little bean attached to the inside of a nice comfy bean bag.

I seem to be addicted to TWO bulletin boards now. never mind, not much happening at work anyway. maybe that's because I'm spending so much time on the bbs...

anyway, first acupuncture last night. Dr V usually does pain management, but was willing to have a go at this - maybe a tad hesitant. but she took my Web links to the studies on it, and we talked a lot - she asked all kinds of background, like family allergies etc - and then she used a laser on some points in my ankles and abdomen. she'll stop using the abdominal ones after tx. she also did my shoulder stress points. don't know if I felt anything, but did have a lovely strong swim afterwards.

have an appt late next week, then another the day before when I hope tx will be, then one two days after tx. she's hard to get bookings with, so if it's going well I might even make a regular Wednesday night date - I'm not sure if this will be enough to help this time, but there'll be another soon after if this doesn't work.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

first official yoga class last night, after a test-run last week.
got there early and managed to find the instructor alone, sitting on the grass outside.
so I told him about my situation and asked if it would be a problem (hoping, of course, that I will be in early pregnancy by the end of the 11-week course).
he was slightly perturbed, I think, though it's hard to tell with yogic types.
during the preclass relaxation I could hear him whispering "she's on the IVF" to his female partner, who seems to organise him but not run classes. this was as part of relaying everyone's medical conditions.
female partner has been with him 11 years according to leaflets. I think she stayed and did the class - didn't get a good look at her. wonder if she hangs around in class due to 15:1 female-male ratio of participants, all but one under 40?
he wasn't that cute. but one does know a little about advanced Eastern sexual practices...anyway, yanking my attention back to yoga (it's been a week, does it show?)...I think it will help me relax and compensate for missed exercise sessions during 2ww. nothing seems to strain the abdomen too much, and if it does I won't do it. and maybe it will be a good intro to pregnancy yoga classes. gotta get that breathing right.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

us troops freezing sperm.
fear of chemical weapons? or fear of not coming back at all?

scan appt with Dr next tuesday at 7.30 am. back to early getups and fast drives up Hoddle St. oh well, at least I'll get to my dentist appt in time.

Monday, January 27, 2003

nurses were working today, so I got to make a phone call without a) whispering and using code or b) going to the park with my mobile phone.
today's nurse was Rose, who was quite pleasant and direct and interested.
my first scan is booked in for Day 12, February 5. well, I have to make a booking with dr tomorrow, but that's when it is. naturally it clashes with a dental appt to get a filling done urgently before I get pregnant. so it's either scan @ 7.30, dentist @ 9, and to work by 10 am, or beg dentist for another time.

it feels good to be officially back in the system again.

dream last night: husband had been in the queue for me and finally got through to a dr...I got a message saying the embryo was ready. but they hadn't taken into account my own cycle. they hadn't tested me for ovulation. so I was frantically trying to get back to the dr, who was a substitute dr, to tell her that it wouldn't match up with my dates. but I knew it meant the embryo would be wasted.

last night was the first decent sleep after a couple of very hot nights. still, I've woken with a headache/sore back and neck and I'm drinking coffee specifically to get rid of the headache - it sometimes works. it may also be related to yesterday's incredibly heavy bleed - large clots, heaps of bright red blood - which seemed to exhaust me. that doesn't usually happen. I wonder if it's related to the 1/4 aspirin I've been taking for two weeks now?

anyway, it's Day 3. if I'm right about when I'll ovulate and we do tx two days later, it should be day 18. plus 14 means 29 days from now to test day.

Sunday, January 26, 2003

quick blog before we go off to brunch with husband's friends, who have managed to have a baby without my noticing; I last saw them a year ago - he's seen them in between - and their daughter was born in November, apparently. yay. more other people's babies. funny, I don't mind when it's people I love. but I do resent it with people I don't really care about, especially when I'm supposed to act like I care (friends of friends, those of husband's friends whom I don't really like that much, etc.) maybe it's a selfish gene thing; I treat the kids of close friends and relations as sort of "my own" whereas the rest are genetic competition.

period started yesterday, just as I was getting really hopeful. so either I had a 14-day luteal phase - it was 10 or 11 when we did the proper ovulation test kit - or I ovulated after my temps rose. I guess it could be put down to the aftereffects of the IVF cycle/biochemical, though I'd like to know exactly how it did it. anyway, that makes today day one. can't call the nurses yet and tomorrow is a public holiday. but if I ovulate on day 16ish as normal, I'm guessing we're heading for the FET on Tuesday 11/2 or thereabouts. my friend will be down from png for a few days during the 2ww, so that's a relief. she's one of the few I can really talk to frankly about this.

and yesterday I saw my cousin. I asked her if she was "staying cool" (code in front of other people for "did you get an embryo transfer" and she said "and trying not to count.
she had the transfer on Monday. they did ICSI and only got one. she is more overweight than I remember, but as we all keep on saying, it only takes one. don't know how many times they're prepared to try - ICSI requires more procedures on the man, and isn't covered by Medicare. it should be.

the paper yesterday had more articles about genetic defects in IVF babies - slightly higher rates of several syndromes, including something called "angelman's syndrome". the suspicion is it's to do with improper turning of genes b/c of the alien medium they float in. blastocyst babies may be at higher risk because they spend longer out of the uterus. but what can I do about that? I have no other option for making a baby, as this last hopeful-failed natural cycle has shown me again.

still worried about hydrosalpinx. the word keeps popping up in my mind, just by itself. "hydrosalpinx". it sounds like some kind of predatory alpine wolf.

five minutes left before we go. am almost as addicted to bulletin boards as to this blog, so I'd better get over there...

Friday, January 24, 2003

more tiny spots. which doesn't rule out pregnancy, of course.
going up the country (in the 40 degree heat) tonight and tomorrow. if my period doesn't come on properly I'll still buy that test on Sunday. but I suspect it will. my temps aren't sky-high, just normal-high.
oh well. at this rate, at least I'll get to go to the bluesfest before the FET.

I must have got the dates wrong. never mind that I have become extremely good at checking my temps and knowing ovulation. the IVF cycle and biochemical must have mixed my body up.
because it's impossible that I could have ovulated 14 days ago and still have not got my period. it comes on the 12th day every time.
a few maybe-spots, maybe-just-discharge. that's all. and my breasts are doing the usual.
and I have to keep fighting back the urge to think I'm pregnant.
if it hasn't come by sunday I'm buying a hpt, and using it Monday.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

by way of distracting myself from the fact that my period hasn't come yet, I'll tell you a story about a dog named Peg.

Peg was a black Staffordshire bull terrier; stocky, playful, loving and loved a good fight.
when my boyfriend decided Peg needed to breed, he found someone with a male staffy, and they were put out in the backyard together.
they were locked together for ages, and from the pained look on her face, she didn't really enjoy it much.

in due course, the puppies arrived. I was very young - 19 or 20 - and didn't challenge my boyfriend's assessment that the dog didn't need a vet's attention.
but the day after they were born, or the same day, I can't remember, I noticed an unpleasant discharge.

my boyfriend came home and the dog went to the vet. she'd retained a puppy and had to have it, and her uterus, removed. of course this had poisoned her and her milk.
only vague advice came back about feeding the puppies. so one by one, they died. the last was a little blue boy puppy. she licked at it and licked at it until I took it away.

a week or two after that, she went crazy. she nicked off, which she'd never done before, and helped a pack of dogs slaughter a coop full of chickens. we managed to rescue her from being put down, but I wonder sometimes about what it was, the confusion and dog-sorrow that went with losing her babies, and not knowing why. I suspect that after a short time she didn't even "remember" them; but she was still hurting and didn't know why.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

am feeling very humbled. there are lots of terrible stories on the b.boards, but have just read one from a woman who lost a baby at 34 weeks last year after intrauterine surgery for a heart condition (the baby's). she tried again late last year, got pregnant but the baby failed to grow. Two weeks after the D & C, they told her it was ectopic and she had to go in again to have the foetus removed from her tube.

no one should have to go through that. the surgery etc is one thing, but knowing that it's for your baby, which is dying, is just too much for anyone to bear. and now she's wondering if she should try again.

in comparison to which, a couple of routine procedures and an almost unnoticeable biochemical pregnancy are nothing. wouldn't it be better if it was straightforward: you can get pregnant or you can't, and that's that.

did someone say something once about despair being OK, it's the hope that gets you?

Day 33. period definitely due today. wish the bloody (!) thing would come so I can stop having pathetic little fantasies about getting pregnant naturally. have even invoked the White Pants (under only, of course, one doesn't "do" white trousers) in order to get it to hurry up.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

but the only solution for that one is removing the tubes!! which is pretty scary. it means it's IVF or nothing at all.

The fluid itself may be toxic to the embryo, or may just mechanically decrease the chance for implantation.

no time to link now, but have been reading about hydrosalpinx: water in the tubes. have no idea if it is why my tubes are blocked, but apparently it's good to fix it as it can cause m/c.

the procedures I've had are supposed to show it up, and no one has mentioned it. but then they haven't mentioned any other real cause. will ask at my FET scan, which will be soon, I hope.

when I get pregnant, I'm going to get a t-shirt printed up.
at the top it will say FAQ

beneath it will be something like this.
1) Yes, I am - how could you tell?
2) Thank you.
3) February 19 (or whatever due date)
4) Yes, he is pleased.
5) Yes, we do know
6) No, we're not telling
7) or telling names
8) yes it's my first
9) No, it's not twins (unless it is, then this becomes faq #2)
10) No, you can't feel my stomach.

11) oh, for a while, a couple of years actually. we ended up doing ivf (this last will be in very small letters at the bottom!)

Monday, January 20, 2003

fat, fat, fat.
well, 2 1/2 pounds over the weight that I usually am. and when I say usually, I mean almost all the time. and this past week I really haven't been eating badly, and the exercise has been happening as per usual. I wonder if all the drugs/hormones upset my "set point" for weight.
I'm a very normal weight, but this is annoying. if I diet, I know I'll get obsessed with food. but if I ignore it, my jeans won't fit.
of course if I was pregnant I could pretend it didn't matter at all...
temps still up, hoping for Day One of FET Cycle One any minute now.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

about 8 days past ovulation, and pretty sure I'm not pregnant. how do I know? well, apart from my temps being fairly low, I am for the first time in about 3 months doing a non-drugged cycle. and I'm GRUMPY!!!
the progesterone made me nice and floaty-pregnant-woman-ish. so another good reason for getting it on the next transfer. husband has copped it - not without reason, of course, but there's always a reason with husbands, just that normally I make allowances for his being a boy.
feel like hitting someone. this is normal. will be better on Monday or Tuesday when Day One arrives - and I can ring the nurses and start on the FET cycle officially. that will make me happy.

Friday, January 17, 2003

from yesterday: damn. blogger went "oops". had to write this post again. and can't update my template to add these blogs and the webring.

have been finding new blogs, and also a new webring, Family Planning.
there's Janet, who is about to start IVF for the first time.
and Bliss, who has dreams about Jeff the Wiggle, so I suspect she's an Aussie too.

bits and pieces; I've been intrigued by the acronym BFN on bulletin boards, referring to an unsuccessful cycle. so I looked it up. It means Big Fat Negative. ha.

and a woman I've been talking to in Launceston has alerted me to Sydney IVF's amazing success rates. they claim 33% clinical pregnancies; and those figures are two years ago. Launceston gets better rates again, despite only being open every second month. my clinic says about 25 %.

so if they can get that rate, what's happening elsewhere. it can't be "just emby quality", can it?

and if you were at the Victoria Market at lunchtime today and saw a woman with just a tiny bit of moisture in her eyes selecting organic cherries, it was me.
first there was the thing about Launceston's numbers, which triggered my "I want a baby NOW" response. then a guy with girl twins sat next to me while I ate my lunch. then when I got to the vegie stall there was a woman with the loveliest big fat ripe pregnant belly exposed under her singlet, buying fruit. and I wanted to be her so badly.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

suspenseful has an hcg reading of 6,500!!

makes my peak of 92 look as pathetic as it was.

yesterday I had a Pap smear - I'm on yearly ones since I had some cells removed a few years ago, plus pregnancy can light a fire under an potential problems - and I assumed the position beautifully, and practicall laughed at the nasty metal implement.
today I had the dental checkup and as I climbed the stairs to the rooms I thought "I'm not scared of any procedure that doesn't involve getting naked and wearing a hospital gown any more.
but whe he was temporarily filling the small hole I have, I remembered the bit about a needle into the gums that will go with the full filling. and realised I'm not as tough as I thought.
that appt has to be sometime in February, which will get in the way of the 2ww unless I make it early on or very late. I don't know if being pregnant will matter when it comes to getting a filling done; I don't think so. he checked my fillings and I have 3 metal ones (amalgam). he says they're OK, I'm worried about mercury, but he has also agreed to do the next one as non-metal.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

have made an appt with a dr who does acupuncture. it's supposed to help. even our clinic's newsletter has reported this.
the appt is on the 29ths at 5pm; a long way off, but it's the first appointment I could get. she's obviously a busy dr. so if I don't get there in time for this cycle, I can book in regular visits for the next one.

so, things I'm trying: low dose aspirin. sex the day before and day after transfer. acupuncture. progesterone. dietary changes.

gawd, next I'll be waving crystals over my belly while chanting a fertility rite.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

oh, and the protocol. I know all this. call nurses day one, have a lining scan, do the wee test, come in a coupla days later so my lining matches the embryo(s)' age and bung it/them in. simple, really.

anyway, the review; bit of an anticlimax really. that's after I strangled her while screaming WHY AREN'T I PREGNANT YET!!!
no, not really. not yeeeet.

potted version; she says I am now considered to have a better chance than before I started treatment (!)
embys don't always thaw out completely; we could end up with a 2-cell that used to be a four-cell.
if one looks poorly, they'll thaw another. then if both survive, we'll just put both in. this minimises chances of missing a cycle.
stress can be a factor; she said one should "stay cool", I don't know if that means heatwise or stresswise. so I'm so going to be slacking off in the 2ww!!

she says my temps don't prove anything and there is no scientific reason why progesterone should help on a natural cycle, but she'll give me 14 days' worth anyway - that's just what they do there if women expect it. so I took the scrip and left it at that.

and a reading of 92 at that stage would be "just" implanted.

they get about 30 % clinical pregnancy rate for grade ones, dropping slightly on each grade. the grade threes have improved their game a lot since the clinic got a new incubator. BUT there is a miscarriage rate of 20% for all clinical pregnancies (not just IVF ones).

(clinical being of course at six weeks when you get a heartbeat.) so it's a series of hurdles, as I well know. and 36 1/2 doesn't sound so young, does it?

have been as good as possible all day; I put on more weight than I lost on the cycle, and I don't like being podgy. it occurred to me that the drugs prolly had nothing to do with it; it was about six-eight weeks into my 100k-a-week bike riding phase. and now it's after Christmas and I'm lucky to do 50. so I'm back on the high-protein, resist-sugar train. NO chocolate today! and only this one biscuit I'm eating now with my 'erbal tea. yum.

anyway, the review; bit of an anticlimax really. that's after I strangled her while screaming WHY AREN'T I PREGNANT YET!!!
no, not really. not yeeeet.

potted version; she says I am now considered to have a better chance than before I started treatment (!)
embys don't always thaw out completely; we could end up with a 2-cell that used to be a four-cell.
if one looks poorly, they'll thaw another. then if both survive, we'll just put both in. this minimises chances of missing a cycle.
she says my temps don't prove anything and there is no scientific reason why progesterone should help on a natural cycle, but she'll give me 14 days' worth anyway - that's just what they do there if women expect it. so I took the scrip and left it at that.

and a reading of 92 at that stage would be "just" implanted.

they get about 30 % clinical pregnancy rate for grade ones, dropping slightly on each grade. the grade threes have improved their game a lot since the clinic got a new incubator. BUT there is a miscarriage rate of 20% for all clinical pregnancies (not just IVF ones).

(clinical being of course at six weeks when you get a heartbeat.) so it's a series of hurdles, as I well know. and 36 1/2 doesn't sound so young, does it?

have been as good as possible all day; I put on more weight than I lost on the cycle, and I don't like being podgy. it occurred to me that the drugs prolly had nothing to do with it; it was about six-eight weeks into my 100k-a-week bike riding phase. and now it's after Christmas and I'm lucky to do 50. so I'm back on the high-protein, resist-sugar train. NO chocolate today! and only this one biscuit I'm eating now with my 'erbal tea. yum.

notes sitting outside the dr's before our appt:
I'm beginning to realise how much of a monster this could become in my/our life.

that in effect, at 18 mths ttc and One failed cycle (biochemical), my cv of pain is a mere snippet compared to what many women go through. and that I may not cope so well as I am now as it goes on.
this - the infertility? the treatment? the whole thing - could actually destroy me. only one or two times before - two to be precise - have I ever met something this strong.
one was a man. the other was writing, words, which still burn at me. this is not "treatment". it is me

goddam it. why do people from the past, whom I was never that close to but still know via mutual friends, insist on sending me emails noting how close they are to having their babies, how the dog is feeling about the coming baby, and how further removed "friends" again - whom I never could stand and made their baby by some kind of lesbian sperm donation pact - are coping with their babies. I was THIS close to emailing back explaining that I just didn't want to know. but she wouldn't understand. the mutual friend in question is the one with the new baby, and I adore both of them and don't mind endless baby stories. go figure.

Monday, January 13, 2003

look, you at; I'm sure my fallopian tubes are fascinating, but don't you have anything else to do? 17 page views is getting kind of creepy; what are you doing, reading the whole thing?

funny, Ms finally mailed me. there are about 20 of you, and all touchingly faithful. are you ttc? or just taking bets on how long it will take me to produce an heir for dh, if at all? and if you are, can I have a cut? 10% will do.

Sunday, January 12, 2003

spoke to my cousin today. she's 10 days into stims and has about 10 follicles, of varying size. she's hoping to do OPU next Thursday, transfer at the weekend. so I'm planning to go and see her, for the first time in years, the weekend after that.
she says she's not very good at uncertainty and not knowing things. so I assured her the 2ww would drive her crazy.
I wonder how similar our bodies are? she's my cousin via my dad's brother. she has a touch of pcos as well.
but it doesn't sound too bad so far, a bit like how I went.
only two days to my appt!!! yay review.

Saturday, January 11, 2003

temperature seemed to be up this morning, though I was awake for a while then took it late.
which would make my transfer right in the middle of the music festival I have tickets for.
around 8-12 February, ballpark.

a babymaking blog that's linked to me. looks like she's in the 2ww, so send her sticky thoughts.
Suspenseful, meanwhile, is over the moon. lucky *&^(%. It gives me hope that a pregnancy can Just Happen. like normal people.

the link below is from this interesting fertility news page that appears to be for the "trade"

this is encouraging
"However, the actual percentage of viable pregnancies per implantation is significantly higher in a natural cycle."

basically, it's saying that the drugs can f#$k up your lining and a natural cycle, even with egg donation, gives a better chance of an emby taking.

oh, the correct name for what happened three weeks ago today: a biochemical pregnancy

some more details on wot that be

and today another one, the one that was really close to me, did everything the same day, but is 25!!! and only got a few embys, is having twins.
I'm afraid my reaction offline was not very gracious. of course I congratulated her and I really am pleased, but I was also upset and ranted about how unfair it was, how I'd never have babies, etc, etc. husband didn't help by saying "well, she's got young eggs". grrr.

my cousin rang and left a message today. I was planning to go and see her in the next couple of weeks and will call her back tomorrow. I know exactly why she's calling; from our conversation in December I'm guessing that they completed their ICSI in early January, which would put her smack bang in the middle of the crazy two week wait. and although we're by no means bosom buddies - we last spoke about 2-3 years before that, despite being very similar in age and spending a bit of time together as kids - if I was her I'd be dying to speak to someone, anyone, who'd been through it and could interpret symptoms. of course I was in the 2ww when we spoke, (I think??) or close to, so she doesn't know yet about our failure.

husband and I had a conversation after my bulletin board upset - he's so optimistic and keeps talking about those nine frozen embryos. but I'm not willing to treat them as just a series of "chances". I want to do everything we can to get it right, not just keep tossing dice.

Friday, January 10, 2003

it can be the little things that get to you. just checked in on my bulletin board and one of my cycle buddies is not only having twins, but she's due the day I would have been. I actually gasped when I saw that.
think I'll go out and have a life now. Friday night.

in praise of the quickie: this morning in the shower I discovered a most unusual thing for me: excellent eggwhite-like mucus. So I called out to my husband, who was literally walking out the door to work. he stayed a few more minutes
then I lay on the bed with my legs up on the wall for 10 minutes, and walked the dog, took my motorbike for a service then walked in to work, all with an extremely full bladder, hanging on like crazy to those pelvic floor muscles.
my temperature is still fairly low, so I don't think I'm post ovulation yet. and even though those little tubes are a mere couple of mm wide, I live in hope they'll do their #@**%$ job sometime. and if ever, this is the day.

speaking of work. had better get on with it.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

one of my bulletin board buddies tells me her clinic does 10 weeks of progesterone if you get pregnant. I am so asking for at least the support during the 2ww!

yay. at last some news that's good for me.
I've known for ages that private maternity beds are hard to get, but this suggests you need to book in by five weeks or miss out. moi will be booking in at 15 days, no doubt about it. apparently the Freemasons - where my clinic is - is very popular. and my gyno works there, so I guess it'll be start and finish there (please, please let there be a finish!)

and this says that if you earn well and then stay home from work, you can get about $50/week for five years at home. and I suspect I will be wanting to stay home for at least a few years. I don't know why Labor says that women earning the average wage are "rich mothers" though. a bit rich, hey?

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

ah. this is why you take aspirin; it improves blood flow. presumably helping the uterus. so I'll do that too, just 1/4 tablet (75 mg) from Day One to the test.

whoa. this is cool: the lymph node in the groin swells on the side you ovulate on! (l looked for a diagram to link to but can't find one).
anyway, I can clearly feel a bean-sized painless lump in the fold between my thigh and my groin on the left side. that will be it, I guess. there's nothing on the right side.

the book also says that clotting during a period - which I get - can indicate poor endometrium, excessive oestrogen or low iron. I think my iron is better these days. but I am worried about this whole luteal/hormone/lining thing.

now also have a list of about 8 herbs that may help fix mucus problems and/or scarred fallopian tubes. am going to take them ALL for six months.
of course will never know what did the trick, if anything does. but for the second go, it might be worth trying naturally for say 3 months? I must be optimistic today. second go indeed.

my fascist nutrition book is coming up with some interesting ideas.
pms can indicate low progesterone - another thing I get, at least weepiness/temper a week beforehand
so I need to take Vitamin B6, with the rest of the Bs, and a thing called Chaste Tree (it has a herbal name as well).
the book also says treatment for dysplasia, where they burn off some cells, can affect production of mucus by the cervix. which may well have happened when I had that treatment about four years ago. so the eggwhite isn't such a bad idea.
I also need to do a ph test to see if my mucus is acidic, as I eat all the foods that create acidity - grains (pasta/bread), meat etc.
the progesterone thing is directly relevant to our FET. the mucus thing is relevant to my ongoing hope we can still conceive naturally.
oh, and eggwhite. I've never brought myself to do the eggwhite thing, despite being able to lie down for egg collection! if I haven't ovulated this time, I think we'll go with the eggwhite on Wednesday (our next scheduled f*&k) . and just before ovulation/FET on future cycles, for good measure.

but, annoyingly, if I'm ovulating now, the FET will be pretty much the day before my 3-day music festival. I really want to go. yes, I know getting pregnant is important. but I'm already putting lots of things on hold and the drs don't say I should go to bed. it's just that a lot of women seem to do it that way. what to do?

well. forced myself to have sex last night, as we're on a 48 hour schedule awaiting ovulation. didn't feel like it at all but glad I did. had some definite "eggwhite" quality mucus today, and after 12 hours I don't think it would be, ahem, from my husband. so I'm a couple of days later than normal, but fairly certain I am ovulating around now.
annoyingly, had to go to the loo before going to sleep and um, lost a lot of the essential fluids. but one still lives in hope.
see, this is why this blog is anonymous. would you want your name on these kind of details? but it's a moment in my journey, and I'll record it if I want to.

Monday, January 06, 2003

bad day: a failed real estate deal, of all things, where a place out in the country I've been hankering after for nine months was sold just as I decided to go for it, has sent me into one of my flat depressions.
I don't feel like I have anything creative to look forward to. I'd been planning the garden, the furniture, what I'd do with the 1/2 acre of land. I didn't realise how ingrained my desire for it was until I knew it was not possible.
now I'm blaming my husband for discouraging me - which he did - and wondering why I should bother going back to work in two days. the job isn't doing much for me, and I thought that having a place to pay for and dream of might help motivate me. and while we're in IVF limbo, trying to stay unstressed and certainly unsure of my future - will I need maternity leave, which requires 12 months' service in a new job, etc etc - I don't feel it's the time to be launching into a career change.

so I'll be dragging myself back to more of the same, mourning my organic dam/fruit trees/natives/evenings in front of the fire and all that happy planning, working and scrounging this particular place would have meant. no, I can't just get another. it was a special building, a very old hotel, and very cheap because it needed work. I can't afford one that's already been worked on, and I wanted something dirty, basic, in need of rescue.

so as I said in a tearful phone call to husband; I just sit around not getting pregnant, do I?

very bad day indeed.

Saturday, January 04, 2003

silly me.
had TWO blood tests for progesterone done last year.
one borderline, one just OK.
so I still think some luteal support might help me. only 11 days to next dr appt! well, I have to have something to look forward to. one of my "cycle buddies" on the bulletin board is going for her four-week scan on Monday. I'm so jealous. happy for her, yes, but jealous.

Thursday, January 02, 2003

if there hasn't been a study done yet on the effects of patients exchanging information and doing their own research on medical treatment and research, there should be. it would be a fine phd topic. and the best field to see it at work would be ivf. because women talk

dream: I was stuck at work and couldn't get away by six to pick up my baby from childcare. at the same time I needed to be there in time to drop the baby off for childcare for the first time so I could see a movie (you can be doing two things at once in dreams)
the thing I was working on involved some people living in a boarding house.
when I got back downstairs I found my bags were missing from my bike and all its fittings were stripped. I didn't know how I'd get there in time.
then later (it was all very detailed but it's fading), the childcare worker turned up with a trailer with the leftover babies in it, including mine. I hadn't held her (the baby) much although she was a month old.
I held her upright against my right side and as that wonderful feeling of holding my child to my body flooded through me, I wondered why I was going to all that trouble to have a baby when I had this one already and hadn't been paying enough attention to her.
i thanked the worker for bringing her to me, and she said what did I expect she'd do with the babies whose parents were late picking them up?

now I'm awake and that remembered feeling of my baby daughter resting on my breast is driving me crazy with desire.

translation of the dream? that I am running late, there's trouble with my equipment and I'm relying on a professional to bring my child to me? too easy.

Wednesday, January 01, 2003

quickly: a study on having sex at time of transfer. is good, it seems.

oh, but the really exciting thing yesterday morning: I walked down the corridor as usual, but up ahead was a squat, 5-foot high stainless steel container. The embryo freezing container! I just stood and gawped at it. I assume it was empty at the time as it wasn't hooked up to power or anything.
next to it was a centrifuge with about 10 test tubes and a written instruction on top: "press 'spin' after seeding"
I don't know if it's the thing they use for normal fertilisation, or for some other process. all the same, it was rather jaw-dropping to actually see the tools they use. just before we joined the program there was a tour of the lab; I hope there's another soon, as I'd love to see it all and understand better what's happening.

temp report: quite low, considering late night.

went in to the stupid clinic at stupid 8.30 am yesterday for the THIRD blood test. Tara again; she's sweet, but doesn't seem to remember much.
she told me that the frozen ones can stop dividing any time up to transfer, so that's not very good.

I forgot to ring in the afternoon when I went out for my swim, and despite being sure I wasn't pregnant, I really wanted to know before I went out on nye. so I spent ten minutes in the pool change rooms trying to get the clinic number on my mobile and on hold etc.
of course the reading was negative, nothing.
Tara asked what I'd do next, and as someone had come in to the change rooms I just said I had an appt with my dr on the 14th.
she'd told me earlier that my cycle could take a while to settle down, but somehow I'm expecting it will be fine. I feel a bit tender today (day 12), but then again, I did go to bed at 2 am last night after two whole drinks.

health plan: tomorrow through to day 1 of FET cycle: drop all coffee and coke. cut back to one drink a day, max.
day. tea/chocolate OK.
day one of FET to transfer; cut back to two cups of tea a day, max.
Transfer onward: no alcohol, one cup of tea and one of green tea if I must, no chocolate. will have to stock up on sultanas and other non-caffeinated sweet things.

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