Friday, May 16, 2014


been reading posts from 10 years ago to see how we sorted A's sleep.

strikes me I was very different then; less demanding, more focussed on the baby and more willing to put up with damage to myself.

is the difference age, or the experience of cancer - the way it knocked me sideways and I realised I hadn't taken care of myself?

reading that stuff didn't help relationship with DH. he'll never get what happened and I guess I'll never really forgive him.

R's sleep is not good - waking 3-4 times a night - and we are going to have to just stop feeding him in the night. problem is that means days or weeks of night screaming and I'm not sure I'm up to that. is it better to continue being mostly wrecked or to risk being totally so?

he's trying to crawl. cutting top teeth. whingeing a bit more than I like. loving swings and outdoors and (mostly) eating. adores baths and screams when taken out.

talking to a friend on the phone just now I said I thought the thing was, 10 years ago I was just "on leave". now I'm a writer and can never really be "on leave". really feeling all the things I'm not doing; that whenever there is a moment I should be writing, not resting or doing housework...

have definitely been depressed, apart from the exhaustion. small things like swims and bike rides, which I didn't get in HK, are helping a bit.

probably Sunday night we'll stop feeding him every time he wakes - just wake him at 11 or so for a rollover. so hope it just works. it's hard to believe it might.

can't write long, have my donor and her two boisterous kids due. have to leave my computer and go prepare scones....

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