Monday, April 30, 2007

doing a few days single-mumming - dh away - once A. is in bed I quite like it - tidying up my files, watching tv, making calls to friends. and I've taken a sleeping pill and plan to actually sleep well tonight. dh tends to disturb me a lot.

my exercise jag of last week has resulted in my losing two pounds. hooray. nothing as motivating for diet/exercise as actual results.

tomorrow, though, is an A-at-home day. and the oncologist in the pm. hence the pill. boring.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

have launched on a tidying-up frenzy that all but colour-codes A's toys. I am going to have to throw a few things out behind his back. the side effect is that he can now find his games and puzzles and crayons and is occupying himself a little better. husband (no d right now, as he's displaying the usual indifference to the amount of housework we do respectively, ie me lots, him as little as possible), anyway, husband is going away for 2 nights next week and I felt I had to get this place slightly organised. it's endless of course as when I stop, say, cleaning the kitchen in order to sort toys, I come back to a new round of dishes. which is where a husband who does things he hasn't been directly instructed to do would be useful. tonight, as he's going away tomorrow, I was planning to suggest a bit of cuddling-up action, but I'm so a) tired and b) narked off at his unhelpfulness as I cook a roast, clean up, etc etc, that there is no chance of us being in the same room for the rest of the night. I wonder constantly; is he just not interested in sex with me, or does he have no idea how badly he's going about things? does he assume that as his wife I should just be interested in him? how can he think that he can come home at 7.30 pm, sit on the computer all night after dinner and then have me suddenly hot to trot? I think it's a combination of the two: he doesn't care enough to bother, if you know what I mean.

deep breath.

anyway...the girl I had emailed a couple of times from the surrogacy list emailed me yesterday after a week's silence. she asked me to call her, which was odd. I spent half an hour on the phone to her, counselling her on a situation that has developed where one set of IPs said they couldn't afford to go ahead, but came back with a loan after she'd moved on to new IPs. she felt so torn, but all I could say was that she was doing a good thing no matter what and the situation of the IPs wasn't her fault. and that she should tell them all she was taking a week to think things over; she said "wouldn't that be rude?" and I was like: "rude? it's your body, your life."

after she posted on a discussion list here she was overwhelmed with emails. she said that of them all, I was the only one who didn't ask her for something. that might be because I'm not ready for the surrogacy thing. but it all just underlines why this stuff should be legal, done through clinics, and subject to counselling and regulation. this girl is 25, with 3 kids - an adult all right, but one negotiating an incredibly complext act all by herself. stupid laws.

Friday, April 20, 2007

should be working. I only really have to work four times a year, but like my writing, it seems to be swamped with administrivia right now, so what's a quick blog? panic and deadlines will take their course as usual and it will happen.

brief but significant items: have exchanged emails with a mother of three in SA who actively wants to be a surrogate, as part of her giving-back-to-the-world program (she has a list!) following a near-death experience years ago. I don't expect it will lead anywhere, but it has stirred up a turmoil of feelings.

blood test today; oncologist next Tuesday. am accordingly grumpy, stressed and fearful. dh as usual has no idea.

talking to a tenant in a flat I rent out yesterday - she said she didn't sleep well and it was "hormonal". I assured her I knew all about hot flushes but she refused to believe it - "you're too young" - I decided not to enlighten her.

took A to the fire station this morning for their weekly open time - he got to sit in a real fire truck and when a call came in and the boys all got into the truck and zoomed off and I told him they were going to rescue someone, his little eyes were like saucers and his lips trembled with the tension. have photos of him in a fire helmet and mini-jacket. firefighters not as hunky as the mummies might like, but real heroes are real heroes, hey?

back to the work...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Easter was good: two other kids close to his age with parents who are good friends of ours; a beach nearby where we could bodysurf (though the waves were a bit big for A); I had my bike there so I could ride every morning. lots of food, drinking, conversation, games and general wandering around the daggy little beach town. almost worth the drive in unbelievably heavy traffic to get out of town Easter Thursday.

and get this: there was actual marital intercourse! nothing to get too excited about, probably just an anomaly. things seem to be back to normal now.

last weekend was my Dad's 70th. it was held at an old hall out in the country; the cutest thing was A dancing with his grandparents. not so cute was him going crazy with the balloons late in the afternoon, under the influence of his cousins, no nap and chocolate cake.

I'm afraid the naps will soon cease. Although he still sleeps up to 2 hours, the dummy really has to go soon (second attempt) and he's nearly 3 1/2.

I don't have a baby any more. I have a little boy. and sometimes it's possible to forget that that little boy is my very own A., and that's when I get annoyed with him. there is so much to do, so little time, and I seem to spend a lot of time cooking/cleaning/washing child clothes instead of writing/studying/working. a job caught my eye today that I could do, and enjoy, in Sydney. am I ready for another U-turn? and what about child #2?

that' s the thing: I still want that child, but I'm almost 41, and I can see that I would do it pretty hard with a newborn. sometimes I think, wouldn't it be easier to just not? of course it would. but is the easy path always the best?

A and I went shopping for winter shoes for him today - got some $120 Italian stitched ones at half price, bonus - then toyshopping, bookshopping and for a babycino and cake. he's a fun date.

oh, and he can add! two donuts plus one donut is three donuts! clever little greedy-face that he is.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

why haven't I been posting? Not sure; have been going along pretty much as normal, arguing with dh, loving A, feeling like there's never enough time to write/study.

but wanted to post a link to this university reading list site. I like the "on the road" course.

yes, I have an assignment due tomorrow. can you tell by the way I'm procrastinating?

I fell for Gmail's April Fool's joke, btw, the one where they promise to print out emails as backup for nervous users. heh. I think I was willing to believe anything that came in that trustworthy multicoloured livery. after all, I use Google, I adore gmail and don't they also own Blogger? hell, they own me

have been collecting more rejection letters, writing-wise. a pity, as I have ideas lined up like taxis. of course I should stop and work on one single idea for two years. of course I should...

we are off for all of Easter to the beach, where it will be cold, but A will have some little friends to play with, there will be heaps of food and I'm going to a lot of trouble to take my bike, so I can ride.

now, about that assignment...

(oh, btw, saw the plastic surgeon. no good news there. options continue to be a) risk mobility in my right arm to get some muscle, while using an implant and b) take muscle from my stomach, risking hernia if I get pg. so I can't do either of those. of course if I wait until after baby #2 (who probably won't happen), I could have a very flat postpartum belly. yay. I'd rather have two breasts for the three years that whole process will take to completion, thanks. while it's been great to have use of my arm back, I'm feeling very unhappy about what I see in the mirror, and the constant worry about getting the clothing (cover) right.

saw my friend's third baby yesterday - three days old - it's a bit scary, the thought of having one of those again. I'm not getting any better at sleep deprivation as I get older. 41 next month. friend in question began telling me about a friend of hers who had a surrogate child because of kidney problems (in the US; I don't have the option of going there; my embies are frozen here, for those who came in late), anyway, this friend of hers has commissioned another pregnancy, the baby is due in August and has just been "given three years to live" with breast cancer. at that point I said "I'm going to change the subject now" and started talking about the view. it's just too close to what might have been/might yet be for me.

but I do want that baby - mine, not my friends'.

legal surrogacy here would be the answer; the state government is about to receive the law reform report on that. it has shown no political spine in that regard though, and I imagine it could be years before the law changes, if at all. so I'd have to find an infertile (over 40?) surrogate, which is currently the only way you can do it here. and I don't like the idea of "finding" one - I feel like that person should just appear to me. and none of my friends are offering. I do know one woman who said at a lunch, not knowing my situation, that surrogacy is something she'd love to do. but what do I do? just barrel up and ask her to carry a baby for me? I hardly know her; she's a friend of a friend.

oncologist in three weeks. annoying aches in armpits etc; will feel much better after a blood test and a good feel around OKs me. all I have to do is get to the end of June and it's officially two years post treatment.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]