Wednesday, April 04, 2007

why haven't I been posting? Not sure; have been going along pretty much as normal, arguing with dh, loving A, feeling like there's never enough time to write/study.

but wanted to post a link to this university reading list site. I like the "on the road" course.

yes, I have an assignment due tomorrow. can you tell by the way I'm procrastinating?

I fell for Gmail's April Fool's joke, btw, the one where they promise to print out emails as backup for nervous users. heh. I think I was willing to believe anything that came in that trustworthy multicoloured livery. after all, I use Google, I adore gmail and don't they also own Blogger? hell, they own me

have been collecting more rejection letters, writing-wise. a pity, as I have ideas lined up like taxis. of course I should stop and work on one single idea for two years. of course I should...

we are off for all of Easter to the beach, where it will be cold, but A will have some little friends to play with, there will be heaps of food and I'm going to a lot of trouble to take my bike, so I can ride.

now, about that assignment...

(oh, btw, saw the plastic surgeon. no good news there. options continue to be a) risk mobility in my right arm to get some muscle, while using an implant and b) take muscle from my stomach, risking hernia if I get pg. so I can't do either of those. of course if I wait until after baby #2 (who probably won't happen), I could have a very flat postpartum belly. yay. I'd rather have two breasts for the three years that whole process will take to completion, thanks. while it's been great to have use of my arm back, I'm feeling very unhappy about what I see in the mirror, and the constant worry about getting the clothing (cover) right.

saw my friend's third baby yesterday - three days old - it's a bit scary, the thought of having one of those again. I'm not getting any better at sleep deprivation as I get older. 41 next month. friend in question began telling me about a friend of hers who had a surrogate child because of kidney problems (in the US; I don't have the option of going there; my embies are frozen here, for those who came in late), anyway, this friend of hers has commissioned another pregnancy, the baby is due in August and has just been "given three years to live" with breast cancer. at that point I said "I'm going to change the subject now" and started talking about the view. it's just too close to what might have been/might yet be for me.

but I do want that baby - mine, not my friends'.

legal surrogacy here would be the answer; the state government is about to receive the law reform report on that. it has shown no political spine in that regard though, and I imagine it could be years before the law changes, if at all. so I'd have to find an infertile (over 40?) surrogate, which is currently the only way you can do it here. and I don't like the idea of "finding" one - I feel like that person should just appear to me. and none of my friends are offering. I do know one woman who said at a lunch, not knowing my situation, that surrogacy is something she'd love to do. but what do I do? just barrel up and ask her to carry a baby for me? I hardly know her; she's a friend of a friend.

oncologist in three weeks. annoying aches in armpits etc; will feel much better after a blood test and a good feel around OKs me. all I have to do is get to the end of June and it's officially two years post treatment.

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