Monday, September 30, 2002

on a better note, this morning (at 3-bloody-30 am) I did the LH surge test and it came up nice and bright! so I'm ovulating right now. we had sex last night and will again tonight, plus probably Tuesday.
I mean, I knew that from my temperatures and chart history; I'd predicted it would be today - but it's still good.

down here in the 'burbs where we're living at the moment it's all old retirees and families with young kids. the local pool is full of screaming school holiday children. it does not give me a twinge of desire for kids. they're all too much Other People's Children. but I do feel like a freak, 36 and without 3 munchkins in tow like all the other women hereabouts.


read an article about ultrasounds this morning; got angry about the idea of people aborting babies for cleft palates!

how dare they! when all these other people are so desperate to have kids. a cleft palate is a minor disability, often cosmetically repairable. some more major surgery may be needed, but surely most people with them would rather be alive than not!

and then I began to see something that will bother me as time goes on; at first it was just "wanting children". but now that a year and a half has passed since we started trying, I'm aware that I could have had a child of six months old easily by now. and if it doesn't work out, as we get older I'll know that that phantom child could have been 5, 10, 15. a state of not-ness - not having children - is not an event, it's a feature of an ongoing life.

Saturday, September 28, 2002

various ivf issues

oh yay. did a search on the side effects of the drugs I'll be on.
can sum it up in three words: tired. grumpy. painful.

a glossary of infertility terms

something to look at if my thyroid tests come back low; this seems to say that treatment doesn't make a difference if you're already ovulating.

husband has a tendency to like technology. so when the test didn't show a surge this am he was reluctant to bother having sex.
this is something that will bother me; the loss of what limited control I had to the IVF gods.
have an appt with the whole shooting match on November 1; expect I'll be on the Pill before then in preparation, so could be doing an egg collection and even embryo transfer by the end of November.

meanwhile, visited brother, wife and three small kids last night. my God they're tiring. but gorgeous. wish I was 26, not 36; this will take stamina

Friday, September 27, 2002

the ovulation test kit is supposed to be on urine that's been held for at least four hours.
I don't do that. not even overnight. weak bladder.
so at 6.30 am this morning I had to decide: obey instructions or be comfortable?
and realised that the greatest chance of success will lie in robotic-like obedience to whatever the "team" tell me to do.
so did my morning stretches with an uncomfortably full bladder and waited until 7.30. as expected, not ovulating yet.

the little things will be the things that we need to get right. like disposable cups for these tests - up to five mornings a week.

meanwhile, my friend with the newborn is already saying "don't do it".

and even my guppies are pregnant; we only moved house a week ago and I've just noticed big blobs of eggs all over their waterweed.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

forgot to say: she also did an ultrasound. it's Day 11 and we could clearly see a nice fat follicle developing on the right ovary. funny if I did get pregnant, having seen that.
(later note: I caught myself saying "the" uterus today, and there I am again "the" right ovary. wonder what that's about. my uterus, my ovary.

video is titled "can we start IVF this month", so I guess we're not the only people in a big hurry. will watch later. not tonight.

booklet looks more confusing than informative; lumps in all the different treatments and drugs, and who knows which ones I'll actually be on.

husband was working; I was looking at the booklet and commenting. I got grumpy because he wasn't listening. I suppose they have that counselling for a reason.

quick dr visit report (it took 3 hours out of my day, and that's just the start.)

waited half an hour even though they'd changed the appt. got increasingly nervous as we waited, as you do.

ivf dr was OK, I guess; suspect has not much sense of humour and not really interested in my pov about anything that's in her medical domain,
but fair enough, she's the specialist. didn't even look at my charts.

for some reason she says we have a 6-7 % chance of conceiving naturally. no idea where that number came from.

says it's possible my lack of dye through tubes was just a spasm of the tubes. that's a new one. still, not pregnant, so IVF would be the
treatment either way.

went through the whole medical history again. have to do: new blood tests for us both, another semen analysis for husband, and a
special urine test for me to pinpoint my exact next ovulation (think that's to get my luteal phase.)

then have to have three separate one-hour meetings with counsellor, nurses and her again before launching into actual IVF.

have to go on the Pill at the start of a cycle; have the option of doing it next cycle. hormones in body, weight gain, low sex drive, yay. love the Pill. not.

if we did that, would be about seven weeks after that that we'd be harvesting/implanting. success rate abut 25 % per attempt, each time is a new 1 in 4 chance. they do
two at a time, and the 25 % odds go on for about eight tries.

so we have to be prepared for a fairly long haul with all this. assuming the odd month off (and I think I'll need it; we'll need it),
it's up to a year of trying. and that's just #1 (or of course the spectre of twins!).

have book on IVF and a video we must watch. homework for before our three meetings, which will be in about a month.

God, can't I just get pregnant this cycle? missed last one, of course, and probably one before due to bad timing. so something had better go right this weekend...

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

I know that I should write more about such an incredible experience. but it was damn hard work, even for those of us not having the baby. maybe later. wow.

gosh. that was intense. just spent day helping friend thru labor, complete with use of scissors and stitches at end. whole thing strangely quiet but overwhelming. nothing you can do for her, but have to concentrate totally on her every move and breath. can see why midwives do it. can also see why I wouldn't.

and seeing a human being appear, actually emerging, is a trip I can't quite get my currently rather sore head around.


Saturday, September 14, 2002

if the girl from Frying Pan is reading this: your archives are still on the Google cache, you know...

oh, and the ex-boyfriend's wife had a boy. excellent. I really am pleased for him; he'll be such a great dad. my good friend with the big belly is complaining that she won't last until her due date. claims baby is 16lbs. I hope I get back before she "goes". won't actually attend, but hope to offer support. she's terrified. as you would be.

well, that was fun. the holiday, I mean.
I didn't bother bringing my thermometer, because a) no one to get pregnant with and b) time zone changes make my cycle haywire anyway. but now I wish I had, 'cos I leave in the morning, I feel premenstrual, and I'd like to know for sure whether I have to suffer 24 hours of travel in my heavy first day.

don't know how I ever managed without the knowledge that charting stuff gives me.

dr's appointment getting closer (sep 25). have not thought about it much. know a hard time is coming, see no point in spoiling a good holiday. feel readier for it now.

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