Monday, January 06, 2003

 
bad day: a failed real estate deal, of all things, where a place out in the country I've been hankering after for nine months was sold just as I decided to go for it, has sent me into one of my flat depressions.
I don't feel like I have anything creative to look forward to. I'd been planning the garden, the furniture, what I'd do with the 1/2 acre of land. I didn't realise how ingrained my desire for it was until I knew it was not possible.
now I'm blaming my husband for discouraging me - which he did - and wondering why I should bother going back to work in two days. the job isn't doing much for me, and I thought that having a place to pay for and dream of might help motivate me. and while we're in IVF limbo, trying to stay unstressed and certainly unsure of my future - will I need maternity leave, which requires 12 months' service in a new job, etc etc - I don't feel it's the time to be launching into a career change.

so I'll be dragging myself back to more of the same, mourning my organic dam/fruit trees/natives/evenings in front of the fire and all that happy planning, working and scrounging this particular place would have meant. no, I can't just get another. it was a special building, a very old hotel, and very cheap because it needed work. I can't afford one that's already been worked on, and I wanted something dirty, basic, in need of rescue.

so as I said in a tearful phone call to husband; I just sit around not getting pregnant, do I?

very bad day indeed.

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