Monday, May 28, 2012

bloody blogger dumped my post. anyway...this is an update here as distinct from the forum I've been on lately. opu today; my 46th birthday. one follie, one egg. dr had me on 175 iui but I put it up to 200. what the hell, eh? call tomorrow will tell if we get to the next step, but I really know in my heart it won't work. meanwhile, my cousin has pretty much agreed to the donor thing, to the extent she is managing her own appointments. we have to all get together to talk more and there is lots of counselling etc to meet the requirements, but she is booked to have an iud taken out in June, which would mean a cycle in August sometime. dr thinks she's an excellent chance. but driving/walking in the rain to see my cousin on Friday I felt overwhelmed by it, even more once all the appointments were made. and for the first time am doubting that I am really up for this: the donor thing AND the baby. I am 46. there is so much I could do. there is so much we could do with A. as he gets older and a baby will restrict that. on balance, is it the right thing? these are doubts it's difficult to voice elsewhere. if I do, the counsellors/dh/my cousin may put the brakes on. and if I find they are just a blip, then what? but I would still be OK if this cycle worked. maybe I just wanted my own baby. and if I can't get it, I've been through the pain and though it will continue, getting a baby via donor may not fix that anyway. it's my birthday. my little boy is home soon. going to play with him.

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