Tuesday, May 15, 2012
blah. no really, blah. this has nothing and everything to do with ivf: I am having trouble focussing on things. my uni work feels like such a slog and a waste of precious days it's becoming depressing. at the same time, I don't want to give it up as it's paying me more than $400 a week and I like the idea of making a bit of my own money. otoh technically we can get away without that, no matter what dh says about the mortgage going backwards. I feel like my house is a mess, my life is a mess. and I wonder if a baby really would fix things. of course it wouldn't; and I know that the image I have of me happily pushing a baby around the cafes is not realistic. would like to stop everything and spend six months streamlining my life. but that is never possible. guess I"m just having a bad day today. no news from cousin. she got the brochures and is thinking about it. the longer she thinks, the less likely she is to donate to me I guess. her call. meanwhile I am haunting some forums hoping to find someone there - and of course get support etc - uni also puts a dint in the times I can do IVF - if I have to skip classes to go to America to do a cycle I will and of course this is more important - but I'm not good at that sort of half-arsed thing - skipping things even when I know in my mind what my priorities should be. think all the pain of the embies not working is still bubbling away. no idea how, or if, to tackle that, or dh's role in it. or indeed the fact that even if his apathy didn't make any difference, he was apathetic about such an important thing. but leaving him still doesn't seem like a great idea. having the urge to make huge unspecified changes in my life. they are probably best ignored until I feel better. maybe I just need to eat more greens. maybe I just need to shut up at this point.
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