Saturday, December 29, 2012

more processing, recording, unformed thoughts. second beta: December 26, ie 3 days after first or 19dpo: 2669. right on the money for doubling every two days. I still don't think it's twins though. not just wishful thinking, I really don't. betabase (the site is down right now so no link) allows this in the normal range. On wednesday I also drove 40 minutes one-way to meet the second opinion dr at his closed rooms and sat with him for nearly an hour with an IV drip of intralipids in my arm. my antibody levels are low apparently; 1:80 for the ANA and just "low" for the other. afterwards I decided I am: not going back for more intralipids. combination of being unsure it makes a difference, chemo flashbacks and just finding it all too much medical crap. no really, way too much. oh, and I am also pretty damn certain that this is going to stick. the levels are good, I feel pregnant. it just is. I am also not continuing the steroids. they have scary side effects - insomnia the worst, which hit me hard - and can affect the membranes of the uterine sac and do weird things to (sheep) foetus adrenal setups. we have our ultrasound on day 5wk 3 days next week. I think this is too early to get a heartbeat - I think it's basically 'cos my ivf dr wants to do it and we will have to trot back in the week after. sigh. saw my cousin yesterday at a huge family do. no chance and wrong time to talk. it all seemed fine though. weird moment for me when her Mum was nattering on about family history - some shipwreck her grandmother or great-gran went through in the 1900s - and I thought, well that is this baby's family history. of course the other 1/4 of its great-grandparentage is the same as mine. and the final 1/2 is the same as A's. so it'll be 9/16ths of a full sibling. sort of. and of course - of course - I am feeling weird and scared and terrified about the whole thing. I am feeling like I've made a huge mistake, and thinking of all the things we will now not be able to do with A. I had a book come out two weeks ago and it was very well reviewed in the paper today, and all I could think was "now I'll probably never write another book". I am finding that plan B was so well set up that it is now looking attractive - and besides I can't just dump it. I have arrangements, have made promises, have a PhD I have to get to a certain point before I can take leave. so there is no 8 months of floating around being pregnant and sorting tiny baby clothes. this is real life and of course there is a lot to do and it is going to be work. and I am worried about how old I am, and whether my husband will really be supportive, and I am wondering why the hell I wanted this so much. I am realising how far apart my children will be in age and that by the time this one is A's age, he will be 19 and possibly not at all interested in a little kid, and we are effectively going to bring up two only children. and all that stuff. that is me. I am pathologically negative. so I have to just hope, rely on, the love kicking in. on my sweet son finding his own way to be a wonderful big brother and to get a new aspect of life out of it for himself (terrible expression but it's late and you know what I mean). on, after the day 3 tears, falling in love with this child and not wanting to change a single exhausting, time-robbing moment of it. at the same time, I'm drawing up lists, as I do. under husband's annoyingness, some things I can do for myself. under my age, becoming even more healthy; eating better, exercising despite sleepless nights, so I can pretend to be five years younger ("only" 42, that would be!) under the rest of it, frankly, I will be spending dh's money (if/when he gets another job; he's a bit unemployed right now). wanting a baby and a sibling for A does not mean I have to be a 24/7 mother for the next five years. I'm damn well getting a sitter a couple of times a week. signing up for childcare a day a week from when it's one year old, two from when it's two, just as I did with A. (we are very lucky with carers around here). spending money on babysitters, making demands of my husband, getting time for myself. because that loss of self is the scariest bit of motherhood, especially new babyhood. and I'll need some 1 on 1 time with A too. we are going to - A and me - go live in the country for 3 months midyear, to get away from building works. husband will come up at weekends, or we'll come back. that will be a very precious time for us I think. because though I am sure intellectually that the love will kick in for this second baby, right now I am just 100% in love with A, who is the sweetest kid. sure he jumps on me, constantly asks me detailed questions about the Avengers, expects me to cook and clean with no thanks, drags his heels when given chores. but I'd die for him, so all that is minor, no?

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