Wednesday, September 22, 2004
time for a serious bit of thinking out loud (ie, a whingefest!)
couldn't sleep again last night. A. had a good sleep-in (nearly 7 am after a 5 am feed), and at 8 when he went back to bed, I did too. why? because I was tired? not really as I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep. basically because I feel very flat and not inspired to do anything else. I have small things I could do - some exercises, writing out his party invites - but not much else. I can't cook when he's sleeping because of the kitchen situation, and the flat is small enough that there isn't much other organising I can do. I think I have bored, depressed housewife syndrome. of course my parents will be here next week and that will keep me busy, but...
and of course I have it much better than many other people in this city. the fact remains that I'm in a small apartment, really just a jumped-up hotel room, 12 hours a day with an active little baby who will soon be a toddler. that none of the stuff here is mine, so I have to be nervous about him damaging things. that there's nothing outside but crowded, hot, polluted streets so long walks are not an option. that I have only a couple of friends here, one of whom has already taken a job starting soon, another who lives a long ferry ride away and a third who is nice, and close, with a slightly older child. there are a couple of playgroups, but they're relatively formal compared to the one at home. and there is so much I'd like to be doing, or trying to do at least, at home. there is a house to rearrange for my growing toddler, a garden to get into, a dog to walk, people to see.
pros of staying here: getting through all the Hong Kong experiences
dh is here
would have to make rearrangements to go home.
that's about it, really.
cons of staying here: see above.
oh, and all this sitting around is making me put on, not lose, weight.
complications of going home include that the childcare centre in our street has no place for him yet (and may not until March), and is moving to another suburb for renovations shortly, which is annoying.
pros of going home:
space
clean air
family
friends
dog
fewer flights overall
cons of going home:
effective single motherhood.
no one to sit A. while I go swimming.
effect on marriage
have to pack up/move a lot of stuff back to home.
of course there is no guarantee that I will snap out of this funk at home. but I think there's a greater chance. I also think that, selfish as it is, I have more chance of getting good sleeps at home, by eating earlier (dh's late arrival means I really can't adjust my schedule - ideally I think I should be going to bed at 8pm for a while to help me catch up on those lost months of sleep).
in a way I have too much choice. and I feel maybe that I don't "deserve" to just give up on this expat thing, that it would be weakness. otoh, most expat mums here have larger apartments, domestic helpers living in, and a sense of making this place home. I don't, I really just don't.
if I just suited myself I'd go home for his birthday and stay there through Christmas, maybe come over for a few weeks next year, maybe go over to England then to see friends too. ideally I'd have a day a week of care (not in my street, boo hoo), and someone at home would take A one afternoon a week while I had a swim. I could get a lot done at home, dh would get a lot of work done (but not eat very well, I suspect)
it's a lot of angst over a few weeks - going home earlier before his birthday really isn't an option - but psychologically being "home" would suit me just fine. so why don't I do it?? do I feel guilty that dh is working and I'm not? but of course baby bringing up is working. and a toddler in this small apartment will be hard work. yes, yes, people do it much harder everywhere. I know I'm a whinger. it's the presence of a better alternative that breeds dissatisfaction, I'm sure.
what to do?
couldn't sleep again last night. A. had a good sleep-in (nearly 7 am after a 5 am feed), and at 8 when he went back to bed, I did too. why? because I was tired? not really as I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep. basically because I feel very flat and not inspired to do anything else. I have small things I could do - some exercises, writing out his party invites - but not much else. I can't cook when he's sleeping because of the kitchen situation, and the flat is small enough that there isn't much other organising I can do. I think I have bored, depressed housewife syndrome. of course my parents will be here next week and that will keep me busy, but...
and of course I have it much better than many other people in this city. the fact remains that I'm in a small apartment, really just a jumped-up hotel room, 12 hours a day with an active little baby who will soon be a toddler. that none of the stuff here is mine, so I have to be nervous about him damaging things. that there's nothing outside but crowded, hot, polluted streets so long walks are not an option. that I have only a couple of friends here, one of whom has already taken a job starting soon, another who lives a long ferry ride away and a third who is nice, and close, with a slightly older child. there are a couple of playgroups, but they're relatively formal compared to the one at home. and there is so much I'd like to be doing, or trying to do at least, at home. there is a house to rearrange for my growing toddler, a garden to get into, a dog to walk, people to see.
pros of staying here: getting through all the Hong Kong experiences
dh is here
would have to make rearrangements to go home.
that's about it, really.
cons of staying here: see above.
oh, and all this sitting around is making me put on, not lose, weight.
complications of going home include that the childcare centre in our street has no place for him yet (and may not until March), and is moving to another suburb for renovations shortly, which is annoying.
pros of going home:
space
clean air
family
friends
dog
fewer flights overall
cons of going home:
effective single motherhood.
no one to sit A. while I go swimming.
effect on marriage
have to pack up/move a lot of stuff back to home.
of course there is no guarantee that I will snap out of this funk at home. but I think there's a greater chance. I also think that, selfish as it is, I have more chance of getting good sleeps at home, by eating earlier (dh's late arrival means I really can't adjust my schedule - ideally I think I should be going to bed at 8pm for a while to help me catch up on those lost months of sleep).
in a way I have too much choice. and I feel maybe that I don't "deserve" to just give up on this expat thing, that it would be weakness. otoh, most expat mums here have larger apartments, domestic helpers living in, and a sense of making this place home. I don't, I really just don't.
if I just suited myself I'd go home for his birthday and stay there through Christmas, maybe come over for a few weeks next year, maybe go over to England then to see friends too. ideally I'd have a day a week of care (not in my street, boo hoo), and someone at home would take A one afternoon a week while I had a swim. I could get a lot done at home, dh would get a lot of work done (but not eat very well, I suspect)
it's a lot of angst over a few weeks - going home earlier before his birthday really isn't an option - but psychologically being "home" would suit me just fine. so why don't I do it?? do I feel guilty that dh is working and I'm not? but of course baby bringing up is working. and a toddler in this small apartment will be hard work. yes, yes, people do it much harder everywhere. I know I'm a whinger. it's the presence of a better alternative that breeds dissatisfaction, I'm sure.
what to do?
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