Wednesday, March 24, 2004
when he screams and screams whether I soothe him or not, where's the motivation to go in there? apart from fear of him suffering some kind of deep and lasting damage to his psyche, I mean.
every nap of the day is easy, except the one that falls after 5pm. he goes back to sleep fine during the night (even if there ARE three feeds some nights). but this period from 5-9 is just awful. today I don't know what it is; have I reached that point of tiredness where I'm numbed, or is some instinct telling me he's old enough? either way, when he woke after 45 minutes during the afternoon nap (allowing me about 30 minutes' sleep), I put him in his cot while he screamed and went ahead and got my tea before feeding him. now he's been back in bed for 15 minutes, crying continually, and all I'm doing is going in there, patting him and going out again.
at first I was doing housework while he cried - to prove to myself I'm not just being a selfish bitch? - but now I'm online. maybe I am a selfish bitch. but right now I just can't face another round of rocking, singing, leaving, hearing him go off and again and starting over, what? five or six times in 90 minutes?
yep, I'm a selfish, impatient bitch and a bad mother. I could do it. I could make myself. but I have a feeling there would be consequences to that beyond just this evening.
every nap of the day is easy, except the one that falls after 5pm. he goes back to sleep fine during the night (even if there ARE three feeds some nights). but this period from 5-9 is just awful. today I don't know what it is; have I reached that point of tiredness where I'm numbed, or is some instinct telling me he's old enough? either way, when he woke after 45 minutes during the afternoon nap (allowing me about 30 minutes' sleep), I put him in his cot while he screamed and went ahead and got my tea before feeding him. now he's been back in bed for 15 minutes, crying continually, and all I'm doing is going in there, patting him and going out again.
at first I was doing housework while he cried - to prove to myself I'm not just being a selfish bitch? - but now I'm online. maybe I am a selfish bitch. but right now I just can't face another round of rocking, singing, leaving, hearing him go off and again and starting over, what? five or six times in 90 minutes?
yep, I'm a selfish, impatient bitch and a bad mother. I could do it. I could make myself. but I have a feeling there would be consequences to that beyond just this evening.
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