Thursday, October 13, 2005

baby and husband sleeping. self has just had nap and then Coke and chocolate. should be feeling good, as we are in Paris and weather is lovely. am, instead, miserable. am finding dh difficult to deal with, unwilling to tune into the Project (that being getting the most out of A's awake periods); on Sunday at the Eiffel tower he even accused me of using A as an "excuse" when I was talking about how we'd get stuff done in the mornings so we (A and I, yes, me too) could have proper afternoon naps. this is while poor little A is drooping all over the place with baby sleep deprivation. I've never seen him so tired before; he keeps sleeping in his pram and waking up in tears (the pram is very small and doesn't recline). and here I am in Paris surrounded by rather gorgeous people and I'm realising just how bad what has happened to me is. not that I'm looking to have an affair or anything. but it hurts to know that I can't; that I"m disfigured and pretty much stuck with dh for the rest of my life. now, if I hadn't had cancer I might well have stayed faithful to dh all my life anyway. but it would be nice to imagine I was still attractive to other men. I never had trouble getting boyfriends. but I'm not exactly a prize catch now, am I? I'm a mess in a way that a bit of fat, or a few wrinkles, are not a mess. there is no such thing as a mastectomy fetish. I've looked.

and being infertile and medically forbidden to ever ovulate again means this: I cannot leave dh, even if I decide, as I feel I'm close to doing, that he's just not very nice to me, that he's showing little consideration for my situation, my depression, the shit I've been through and how I might be feeling with this death sentence hanging over me. not if I want an outside chance of having another child. the embies are his too, of course.

maybe A. will have to be enough for me. I feel cheated. but so do a lot of people. and I've got more than some. I have a beautiful child.

Wow. I don't know what to tell you. This is all very heavy shit.

I have no advice, but I'm thinking of you and hoping that things get better, in whatever way that is.
Maybe, deep down, hubby is freaking out about the same thing you are. Enjoy your vacation and try to tell him your may be glad you did.
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