Wednesday, November 06, 2002
letter:
I'm wondering why I got so upset last night (apart from hormones).
And it seems to me that sometimes it's not until I get to that point of being really distressd that you take me seriously when I have a problem.
I know you don't enjoy it and I'm sure I don't. It's not always that easy for me to "just explain" whatever is is that's bothering me, especially if I don't feel you're actively interested in finding out. Maybe that's why I get to where I do, where you see how much it matters.
I think I kind of bottle it up, trying to be "sensible" and waiting for you to be interested, so when it does come out it's as bad as it can get - a bit all or nothing.
But with something like this IVF think, it would be so much better to have your help before I get to that point, becuase the "all" could be very yucky indeed.
And I can't always just tell you what I need because at times like last night I don't have the strength to reason that out and express it. I need all that energy for myself when I'm that upset.
I will try to be good and not be horrible to you. But as I said last night, if you could relax your standards a bit, be a bit more forgiving of me, that would help.
I am scared - of the pain, and the uncertainty, and maybe not succeeding - and I don't know yet how the various drugs/hormones will affect me.
I may not have the resources to be as generous to you with my understanding as I should be, though I'll try. If you can find any sapce in what is also a difficult time for you to put some forgiveness or empathy my way, it might be that extra bit of help I need to get us both through this.
I love you,
(and this afternoon is the dreaded "dummy run" implantation, read cathether into the uterus - I have two extra strong painkillers and will top 'em up with half a sleeping tablet, and he'll come and pick me up aftewards. )
I'm wondering why I got so upset last night (apart from hormones).
And it seems to me that sometimes it's not until I get to that point of being really distressd that you take me seriously when I have a problem.
I know you don't enjoy it and I'm sure I don't. It's not always that easy for me to "just explain" whatever is is that's bothering me, especially if I don't feel you're actively interested in finding out. Maybe that's why I get to where I do, where you see how much it matters.
I think I kind of bottle it up, trying to be "sensible" and waiting for you to be interested, so when it does come out it's as bad as it can get - a bit all or nothing.
But with something like this IVF think, it would be so much better to have your help before I get to that point, becuase the "all" could be very yucky indeed.
And I can't always just tell you what I need because at times like last night I don't have the strength to reason that out and express it. I need all that energy for myself when I'm that upset.
I will try to be good and not be horrible to you. But as I said last night, if you could relax your standards a bit, be a bit more forgiving of me, that would help.
I am scared - of the pain, and the uncertainty, and maybe not succeeding - and I don't know yet how the various drugs/hormones will affect me.
I may not have the resources to be as generous to you with my understanding as I should be, though I'll try. If you can find any sapce in what is also a difficult time for you to put some forgiveness or empathy my way, it might be that extra bit of help I need to get us both through this.
I love you,
(and this afternoon is the dreaded "dummy run" implantation, read cathether into the uterus - I have two extra strong painkillers and will top 'em up with half a sleeping tablet, and he'll come and pick me up aftewards. )
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