Saturday, December 21, 2002
am recklessly writing on my "secret" blog while my husband's in the room, because I really need to blather about this.
we went out to eat. on the way home I emerged from the ladies' on the verge of tears and cried in the car all the way back.
the dreaded "material" - I think it's just overdeveloped uterine lining - has emerged. so I have in fact put it in a wrapper in the freezer in case the clinic has any use for it. I'll have to call and ask them tomorrow. how humiliating.
now I'm going to take a sleeping pill (haven't since we started the program 70 days ago!) and have a long, uninterrupted crash out. it will be better in the morning, once I'm refreshed and can start looking forwards. have drawn up a new temping chart already.
told husband a little about the "material". also said I want someone to acknowledge that I was pregnant, even if it was only for a few days. I'll call it five, which is the time past my normal menstruation date I went.
he says at least it (the embryo) had a go. I know he's right, but I also feel it would have hurt less if the emby had just not done a thing.
I also know that I've been deep in all this, more than I realise, for weeks now and I'll have to be getting on with and trying to enjoy my normal life. it could be quite relaxing, in a way. I plan to not only drink a lot (!) the next few days, but also to work hard on my exercise and swimming etc for six weeks, partly so I can be ready for the next round and hopefully so I can make myself stop for the 2ww, knowing that I have plenty of fitness in "reserve" - that I won't suddenly become a blob just because I rest up a bit.
just babbling, I know. where's that little blue pill? sleeeep...
we went out to eat. on the way home I emerged from the ladies' on the verge of tears and cried in the car all the way back.
the dreaded "material" - I think it's just overdeveloped uterine lining - has emerged. so I have in fact put it in a wrapper in the freezer in case the clinic has any use for it. I'll have to call and ask them tomorrow. how humiliating.
now I'm going to take a sleeping pill (haven't since we started the program 70 days ago!) and have a long, uninterrupted crash out. it will be better in the morning, once I'm refreshed and can start looking forwards. have drawn up a new temping chart already.
told husband a little about the "material". also said I want someone to acknowledge that I was pregnant, even if it was only for a few days. I'll call it five, which is the time past my normal menstruation date I went.
he says at least it (the embryo) had a go. I know he's right, but I also feel it would have hurt less if the emby had just not done a thing.
I also know that I've been deep in all this, more than I realise, for weeks now and I'll have to be getting on with and trying to enjoy my normal life. it could be quite relaxing, in a way. I plan to not only drink a lot (!) the next few days, but also to work hard on my exercise and swimming etc for six weeks, partly so I can be ready for the next round and hopefully so I can make myself stop for the 2ww, knowing that I have plenty of fitness in "reserve" - that I won't suddenly become a blob just because I rest up a bit.
just babbling, I know. where's that little blue pill? sleeeep...
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