Saturday, December 21, 2002
just when I was getting used to the idea, it's ended.
we went up to our house to water the garden and dropped past some friends' places with xmas presents. it's a very hot day.
on the way back we went to the house to use the (outdoor) loo and eat our takeaway lunch. and there was a little brown spot on my knickers.
so I told my husband and sat there and cried for a bit. which I think answers my questions about my ambivalent feelings; I really do want to be pregnant. but I'm not. I have cramps and bright red bleeding, and this is not "spotting", it's a period.
then we had to drive home right across town in weekend-before-Christmas traffic in the hot sun in the open-topped car (no a/c). I felt shocking; hot, cramped, miserable, thirsty. I had a sleep when we got back, then got up and put husband in the bed; he's very tired too. we got up early to get the watering done before it got too hot - I was trying to take care of myself.
I'll still have to go and test on Monday, of course. we're going to get the first appt with our dr we can, to talk about what happened and why. I don't know what to call this; it's not really a miscarriage, but it's more than a failed IVF cycle; it's day 17, and the embryo must have tried to implant. I want to know why it didn't; was it just not viable, or could I have done something differently? I don't really think that missing pessary could have been the reason.
I was nearly ready to be genuinely excited about this. this only confirms that I should wait until at least the six-week scan to do anything of the sort. maybe next time I'll just stop doing ANYTHING; exercise, work, housework.
already calculating when the next transfer would be. if we skip January, it will be early February, testing late February. after Monday I guess I'll try to put this all aside for those weeks. it will be hard. I'll also try to prepare better next time, on the caffeine etc front; but for now, I'm swilling a can of Coke and eating chocolate to help me wake up from my nap and in the hope it will get rid of the headache that the crying caused.
I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself.
we went up to our house to water the garden and dropped past some friends' places with xmas presents. it's a very hot day.
on the way back we went to the house to use the (outdoor) loo and eat our takeaway lunch. and there was a little brown spot on my knickers.
so I told my husband and sat there and cried for a bit. which I think answers my questions about my ambivalent feelings; I really do want to be pregnant. but I'm not. I have cramps and bright red bleeding, and this is not "spotting", it's a period.
then we had to drive home right across town in weekend-before-Christmas traffic in the hot sun in the open-topped car (no a/c). I felt shocking; hot, cramped, miserable, thirsty. I had a sleep when we got back, then got up and put husband in the bed; he's very tired too. we got up early to get the watering done before it got too hot - I was trying to take care of myself.
I'll still have to go and test on Monday, of course. we're going to get the first appt with our dr we can, to talk about what happened and why. I don't know what to call this; it's not really a miscarriage, but it's more than a failed IVF cycle; it's day 17, and the embryo must have tried to implant. I want to know why it didn't; was it just not viable, or could I have done something differently? I don't really think that missing pessary could have been the reason.
I was nearly ready to be genuinely excited about this. this only confirms that I should wait until at least the six-week scan to do anything of the sort. maybe next time I'll just stop doing ANYTHING; exercise, work, housework.
already calculating when the next transfer would be. if we skip January, it will be early February, testing late February. after Monday I guess I'll try to put this all aside for those weeks. it will be hard. I'll also try to prepare better next time, on the caffeine etc front; but for now, I'm swilling a can of Coke and eating chocolate to help me wake up from my nap and in the hope it will get rid of the headache that the crying caused.
I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself.
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