Monday, December 23, 2002
so I followed up that depressing little rave with the regulation marital fight, in which I say how I feel and he gets all defensive and I rave against his sheer blankness and refusal to engage with me.
then I drank a couple of glasses of champage and rang my friend in PNG and we whined about our husbands.
then it was OK and I had another glass, of red, and we had dinner.
not that getting drunk solves anything. but it did provide some relief from all the tension.
and I had to get up at 6.30 to drive to the clinic for the blood test (Donna). and had to stop in the toilets on the way out to have the little cry I knew was coming. have decided my dr's receptionist really does have an offhand manner. made review appt for January 14, the earliest I could get it.
rang just after two - this is a busy time because that's when they give out test results - waited 15 minutes until I could speak to Suzanne, who told me the reading was 25. this means they want me to go back yet again in a week to confirm it's all cleared. how ridiculous. but as I said to husband when I rang to tell him, I don't want "uncooperative patient" on my file, so I have an appt nye at 8.30 am.
I could go to the regular pathology agency, but I will say that the nurses are excellent at non-painful blood testing. I just found it upsetting to walk in there, past all the other couples waiting for scans and other women having their tests. it's not a hopeful atmosphere. it's a desperate one. and I know I may have to go back again and again before we hit the jackpot, if we do. It now seems stupidly optimistic to have hoped this one would take and there would be nine "spare". now I only hope we get there within the nine, that I don't have to do another ivf cycle.
am thinking that after one or two more single-emby tries, we'll be going to two at a time. for one thing, I don't think I can handle another eight failed cycles. better to get them through faster. it's not the time as such (though it is), it's the nature of the time. desperate? not desperate as in will-do-anything. but desperate as in powerless and needy.
then I drank a couple of glasses of champage and rang my friend in PNG and we whined about our husbands.
then it was OK and I had another glass, of red, and we had dinner.
not that getting drunk solves anything. but it did provide some relief from all the tension.
and I had to get up at 6.30 to drive to the clinic for the blood test (Donna). and had to stop in the toilets on the way out to have the little cry I knew was coming. have decided my dr's receptionist really does have an offhand manner. made review appt for January 14, the earliest I could get it.
rang just after two - this is a busy time because that's when they give out test results - waited 15 minutes until I could speak to Suzanne, who told me the reading was 25. this means they want me to go back yet again in a week to confirm it's all cleared. how ridiculous. but as I said to husband when I rang to tell him, I don't want "uncooperative patient" on my file, so I have an appt nye at 8.30 am.
I could go to the regular pathology agency, but I will say that the nurses are excellent at non-painful blood testing. I just found it upsetting to walk in there, past all the other couples waiting for scans and other women having their tests. it's not a hopeful atmosphere. it's a desperate one. and I know I may have to go back again and again before we hit the jackpot, if we do. It now seems stupidly optimistic to have hoped this one would take and there would be nine "spare". now I only hope we get there within the nine, that I don't have to do another ivf cycle.
am thinking that after one or two more single-emby tries, we'll be going to two at a time. for one thing, I don't think I can handle another eight failed cycles. better to get them through faster. it's not the time as such (though it is), it's the nature of the time. desperate? not desperate as in will-do-anything. but desperate as in powerless and needy.
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