Monday, December 23, 2002
where to start. have a few phases of emotions I've been through, and just want to get it all in here.
last night I wrote this while I was out:
riding along brighton beach looking at the people; old men, kids, young people surfing the wind with parasails. feeling I don't have a place in all this.
husband's at home asleep.
he thinks we're going to a movie tonight.
but I feel flat, depressed, tearful. and he asked me what was wrong and I talked a bit but when I said I'd like more support next time, more relief from the diurnal pressures of housework he didn't seem to understand what I meant, what he could do.
he said "sorry" and I said don't apologise - I really wanted some show of strength, some promise for the future. instead he fell asleep.
and how would he be if I got post natal depression? would he understand how dragged-down I can feel by plain old housework? dishes, washing, things always in need of cleaning? these past few days I've been asking him to do things that I think he should offer - even had to ask him out last night, book it myself and pay for my own meal.and if I ever lose it completely he won't know how to keep it together.
I suspect my hormones are partly to blame for this flatness - also the end of a 70-day anticipation that was the down reg and pregnancy.
it's also the prospect of six weeks to FET, and who knows how long, if ever, until I'm "really" pregnant. and fear of being pregnant and not being able to trustit after this. and doubt that I'll cope with that, especially as work isn't a barrel of laughs for me now - and another doubt, a fear, that he really isn't strong enough or generious enoguh to understand what I need and then I'll be alone in it.
last night I wrote this while I was out:
riding along brighton beach looking at the people; old men, kids, young people surfing the wind with parasails. feeling I don't have a place in all this.
husband's at home asleep.
he thinks we're going to a movie tonight.
but I feel flat, depressed, tearful. and he asked me what was wrong and I talked a bit but when I said I'd like more support next time, more relief from the diurnal pressures of housework he didn't seem to understand what I meant, what he could do.
he said "sorry" and I said don't apologise - I really wanted some show of strength, some promise for the future. instead he fell asleep.
and how would he be if I got post natal depression? would he understand how dragged-down I can feel by plain old housework? dishes, washing, things always in need of cleaning? these past few days I've been asking him to do things that I think he should offer - even had to ask him out last night, book it myself and pay for my own meal.and if I ever lose it completely he won't know how to keep it together.
I suspect my hormones are partly to blame for this flatness - also the end of a 70-day anticipation that was the down reg and pregnancy.
it's also the prospect of six weeks to FET, and who knows how long, if ever, until I'm "really" pregnant. and fear of being pregnant and not being able to trustit after this. and doubt that I'll cope with that, especially as work isn't a barrel of laughs for me now - and another doubt, a fear, that he really isn't strong enough or generious enoguh to understand what I need and then I'll be alone in it.
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