Wednesday, February 19, 2003
how annoying. I found a blog the other day by a woman who's about to start IVF - I was sure I picked out a quote and blogged her, but now I can't find her, and can't remember enough details to Google her.
have small headache and am claiming to be working from home for an hour or two to put off the inevitable officeness. sadly, my workmates have found my regular blog, so I can't say there tha I'm torn between my desire to just f-off the whole place and my desire to have enough money to make certain lifestyle changes I'm contemplating (apart from babies; I am quite willing to let dh fund that, I figure I'm putting enough in with my whole body on the line!). being VERY bad; having 1/2 a weakish coffee and some toast and jam right now. it's the first strong craving I've had all week and I'm feeling down enough to just give in.
last night I was in one of my "talk to me" moods. ended up having a cuddle and a cry. waiting and wondering and constantly having this stuff in the back of my mind. and you can't just "forget about it". forget about a live embryo in my uterus and whether it will become a baby or not? what are you, a ROBOT?
it's exhausting. truly. I know people go through far worse, but because this is a Secret and I wouldn't get that much sympathy at work anyway, I have to pretend everything's normal. at least if there was some personal disaster I'd have social permission to go to pieces.
I'm well overdue for some time with my friends and general R & R. just can't figure out a way out of the routine right now.
have small headache and am claiming to be working from home for an hour or two to put off the inevitable officeness. sadly, my workmates have found my regular blog, so I can't say there tha I'm torn between my desire to just f-off the whole place and my desire to have enough money to make certain lifestyle changes I'm contemplating (apart from babies; I am quite willing to let dh fund that, I figure I'm putting enough in with my whole body on the line!). being VERY bad; having 1/2 a weakish coffee and some toast and jam right now. it's the first strong craving I've had all week and I'm feeling down enough to just give in.
last night I was in one of my "talk to me" moods. ended up having a cuddle and a cry. waiting and wondering and constantly having this stuff in the back of my mind. and you can't just "forget about it". forget about a live embryo in my uterus and whether it will become a baby or not? what are you, a ROBOT?
it's exhausting. truly. I know people go through far worse, but because this is a Secret and I wouldn't get that much sympathy at work anyway, I have to pretend everything's normal. at least if there was some personal disaster I'd have social permission to go to pieces.
I'm well overdue for some time with my friends and general R & R. just can't figure out a way out of the routine right now.
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