Thursday, March 06, 2003
bit of an emotional talk this morning.
we're discussing when to go up to Sydney and inform the paternal grandparents to be. the letter from my ob/gyn last night indicated that the final odds on Down's wouldn't be in until week 12 - possibly after we go up.
and it transpires that I might have said we could tell them after the six-week scan.
now, despite this blog, I'm very, very private about this kind of information. I want to tell who I want to tell. he said he'd want to tell them if I miscarried, or even if it was a Down's baby and we terminated (this is by no means a foregone conclusion from my pov.)
I am deeply opposed to doing so. so this morning I raised it again. I said that although he's close to his parents and wants to talk to them, some things are just between us. besides, the convention is that one waits until the first trimester is safely over. there's still a 1 in 8 chance of it not continuing, no matter how confident I feel (and beyond 20 weeks I'm worried about having had a cone biopsy on my cervix a few years back, which may cause incompetence, apparently).
he wanted to revisit it after the six week scan. I basically said I wouldn't change my mind; can you imagine the extra pressure it would add to a decision or miscarriage knowing we have to un-tell the grandparents. also, once his parents know, mine will have to, and it's guaranteed other family members will hear about it, and so on. I will feel much better making a more certain announcement in late April than a tentative one now.
he challenged me on having told my friend (who is overseas, can keep her mouth shut, whose delivery I was at and whom I wanted to invite to the birth, all good reasons for telling now.)
in the end I got a little weepy and said, fairly calmly. "this is something in which, without being selfish, my needs are greater than yours. this is happening to me." of course it's happening to him too, but not IN him, is it? he caved in the end. no matter how much he needs to talk, I need to feel protected. and the issue of his having told them about the IVF without telling me still rankles; yes they're family, but this is us. I hadn't even told my parents.
but it's OK; he still has a sense of humour. he said "well, I'll just invite them to the birth instead". of course if he did I would get the hardnosed midwives to evict them!
we're discussing when to go up to Sydney and inform the paternal grandparents to be. the letter from my ob/gyn last night indicated that the final odds on Down's wouldn't be in until week 12 - possibly after we go up.
and it transpires that I might have said we could tell them after the six-week scan.
now, despite this blog, I'm very, very private about this kind of information. I want to tell who I want to tell. he said he'd want to tell them if I miscarried, or even if it was a Down's baby and we terminated (this is by no means a foregone conclusion from my pov.)
I am deeply opposed to doing so. so this morning I raised it again. I said that although he's close to his parents and wants to talk to them, some things are just between us. besides, the convention is that one waits until the first trimester is safely over. there's still a 1 in 8 chance of it not continuing, no matter how confident I feel (and beyond 20 weeks I'm worried about having had a cone biopsy on my cervix a few years back, which may cause incompetence, apparently).
he wanted to revisit it after the six week scan. I basically said I wouldn't change my mind; can you imagine the extra pressure it would add to a decision or miscarriage knowing we have to un-tell the grandparents. also, once his parents know, mine will have to, and it's guaranteed other family members will hear about it, and so on. I will feel much better making a more certain announcement in late April than a tentative one now.
he challenged me on having told my friend (who is overseas, can keep her mouth shut, whose delivery I was at and whom I wanted to invite to the birth, all good reasons for telling now.)
in the end I got a little weepy and said, fairly calmly. "this is something in which, without being selfish, my needs are greater than yours. this is happening to me." of course it's happening to him too, but not IN him, is it? he caved in the end. no matter how much he needs to talk, I need to feel protected. and the issue of his having told them about the IVF without telling me still rankles; yes they're family, but this is us. I hadn't even told my parents.
but it's OK; he still has a sense of humour. he said "well, I'll just invite them to the birth instead". of course if he did I would get the hardnosed midwives to evict them!
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