Monday, May 05, 2003
(written last night)
as I said to Dawn: Whoa.
Milenka reposted the article below, and got some comments to the effect of "why should we walk on eggshells around our infertile friends?"
this was my reply in her comments:
as Milenka hasn't pointed it out, I will: she didn't write this. like me, she reposted it with the full copyright attribution.
what I find interesting is the resentment from people who know infertile women that they are expected to be careful of their friend's feelings. I suppose it comes down to how much you care about your friendship.
if you choose to insist on talking about pregnancy and babies when your friend is grieving yet another failed cycle, the consequences are up to you. I personally didn't have much of a problem with my close friends; I found it harder with people who didn't know I was - was, I'm now pregnant - infertile. when they carried on and on and on about their new babies, which can be boring for non-parents anyway, I felt it badly. it was not their "fault", but it hurt me anyway, to think I might never have that experience.
it only takes a quick visit to an infertility discussion board to find out that all the things mentioned in the article do happen. women offer to lend others their husbands, relatives tell women who have scarred fallopian tubes to "relax", friends imply that the woman is, as it says above, divinely singled out for sterilisation because she'd be such a bad mother. you might think you can imagine how it feels, you might believe the woman in question has to just learn to deal with it so she can share your joy at your motherhood (and Dana, this is something you seem to believe), but you have no right. it's sad but true that some friendships don't survive this. sometimes they don't survive different decisions about having kids, as people grow apart. that's life. and often closer friends deal with things better. I didn't tell many "friends" about our IVF because I don't feel comfortable trying to explain myself to people who don't know my heart and soul.
but to effectively blame the infertile woman or couple and tell them how they should deal with it is just plain arrogant.
I read the article as a guide to tact for those who care to exercise it. As a formerly infertile woman, it said a lot of things I'd have liked the people around me to know. If you choose to ignore that, it's up to you.
this post is about the angriest I've posted on the Web, and it's not meant as a flame. but this isn't a topic I feel very tactful about.
in other news: I am eating, eating, eating but have only put on 2kg in 10 weeks. for the last two days poor husband has really copped grumpiness when I don't get fed STRAIGHT AWAY at lunchtime. every cell in my body cries out for food. it's weird. the baby is clearly in charge. yesterday in the pool I was thinking about breathing, and could feel how the air was coming in and going to the baby, and how my exhalations contained its un-needed extras (I won't say "wastes"). it's not just extra bulk on me I'm having to run, it's a whole extra body with all the organs.. so, so strange.
darn, blogger's down. will need to save this for later. second ob. appt at 12.15 tomorrow. not much to talk about; maybe I'll show him my baby video (as if!). will ask more about hospitals, though.
as I said to Dawn: Whoa.
Milenka reposted the article below, and got some comments to the effect of "why should we walk on eggshells around our infertile friends?"
this was my reply in her comments:
as Milenka hasn't pointed it out, I will: she didn't write this. like me, she reposted it with the full copyright attribution.
what I find interesting is the resentment from people who know infertile women that they are expected to be careful of their friend's feelings. I suppose it comes down to how much you care about your friendship.
if you choose to insist on talking about pregnancy and babies when your friend is grieving yet another failed cycle, the consequences are up to you. I personally didn't have much of a problem with my close friends; I found it harder with people who didn't know I was - was, I'm now pregnant - infertile. when they carried on and on and on about their new babies, which can be boring for non-parents anyway, I felt it badly. it was not their "fault", but it hurt me anyway, to think I might never have that experience.
it only takes a quick visit to an infertility discussion board to find out that all the things mentioned in the article do happen. women offer to lend others their husbands, relatives tell women who have scarred fallopian tubes to "relax", friends imply that the woman is, as it says above, divinely singled out for sterilisation because she'd be such a bad mother. you might think you can imagine how it feels, you might believe the woman in question has to just learn to deal with it so she can share your joy at your motherhood (and Dana, this is something you seem to believe), but you have no right. it's sad but true that some friendships don't survive this. sometimes they don't survive different decisions about having kids, as people grow apart. that's life. and often closer friends deal with things better. I didn't tell many "friends" about our IVF because I don't feel comfortable trying to explain myself to people who don't know my heart and soul.
but to effectively blame the infertile woman or couple and tell them how they should deal with it is just plain arrogant.
I read the article as a guide to tact for those who care to exercise it. As a formerly infertile woman, it said a lot of things I'd have liked the people around me to know. If you choose to ignore that, it's up to you.
this post is about the angriest I've posted on the Web, and it's not meant as a flame. but this isn't a topic I feel very tactful about.
in other news: I am eating, eating, eating but have only put on 2kg in 10 weeks. for the last two days poor husband has really copped grumpiness when I don't get fed STRAIGHT AWAY at lunchtime. every cell in my body cries out for food. it's weird. the baby is clearly in charge. yesterday in the pool I was thinking about breathing, and could feel how the air was coming in and going to the baby, and how my exhalations contained its un-needed extras (I won't say "wastes"). it's not just extra bulk on me I'm having to run, it's a whole extra body with all the organs.. so, so strange.
darn, blogger's down. will need to save this for later. second ob. appt at 12.15 tomorrow. not much to talk about; maybe I'll show him my baby video (as if!). will ask more about hospitals, though.
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