Thursday, September 11, 2003
OK, so why do I not care at all about when I go back to work and how it will be? why am I willing to accept that 90% of the housework and shopping will fall to me now (dh can iron his own shirts)? why am I not fighting for the right to work, earn an income, etc? am I deluded about the luxury of being a kept woman, not to mention the politics? am I, at heart, a bit over my job, in which I've performed solidly but received no promotion or pay rises for years? is it an objectively sensible decision given dh's and my respective jobs, salaries and biological roles? is it laziness, fear of the grind that breastfeeding-while-working-while-having-a-life entails, a simple acceptance that either way, the burden will fall mainly to me so I may as well cut out the work bit and live with it? or is it the subtle effects of the bath of hormones in which my brain is floating right now?
I can make myself feel a bit wistful about things I'd have liked to achieve here at work. and there is still a lingering possibility of resuming studies - I think some of my ideas were good and merited investigation. but for now, for the foreseeable future, I'm a dependent woman with an even more dependent child. I will care about how clean my floor is. I'm something the me of 15 years ago just wouldn't recognise. but I'm still me.
dh and I managed to break away from house/baby conversations today and discuss life issues; in this case, that strange feeling you get reading something you wrote years ago - how clever and enlightening it can seem, as if it was written by someone else altogether, a higher version of the person reading it. I also talked about how I hope I can maintain a little of my current hormonal acceptance of the things life throws at me - normally I'm much more schedule-y and rigid than I am now, and even now I'm pretty inflexible - and he said I should write a note to the self of my future to that effect. so I guess this is that note. and this blog will become a historical document, a record of me before baby.
I can make myself feel a bit wistful about things I'd have liked to achieve here at work. and there is still a lingering possibility of resuming studies - I think some of my ideas were good and merited investigation. but for now, for the foreseeable future, I'm a dependent woman with an even more dependent child. I will care about how clean my floor is. I'm something the me of 15 years ago just wouldn't recognise. but I'm still me.
dh and I managed to break away from house/baby conversations today and discuss life issues; in this case, that strange feeling you get reading something you wrote years ago - how clever and enlightening it can seem, as if it was written by someone else altogether, a higher version of the person reading it. I also talked about how I hope I can maintain a little of my current hormonal acceptance of the things life throws at me - normally I'm much more schedule-y and rigid than I am now, and even now I'm pretty inflexible - and he said I should write a note to the self of my future to that effect. so I guess this is that note. and this blog will become a historical document, a record of me before baby.
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