Friday, December 19, 2003
while bf-ing I managed to finish Will Self's Great Apes, which I started before A. came.
two passages keep recurring to me: one, where the protaganist, who is a human who has become a chimpanzee, or maybe a chimpanzee who thinks he's a human in a chimp body, is crying out for his children: "I want my infant's bodies". he misses the shape, feel and smoothness of tiny humans.
and another, where a character is musing on potential motherhood, and though revolted by the idea of the dependence and bf-ing, thinks something like "once you have children, you can't wish that your life had been otherwise".
(I've also started and finished a long biography of Spike Milligan - didn't really do it for me, it shows that he didn't have great access to people close to Spike, and am now tossing up between Goon Show scripts and Patrick White's Eye of the Storm. as you do. the scripts are winning, so now my head is fully of silly voices.)
but on the body of the child: though my head is foggy and my eyes want to close, one of the best moments with A. is at 3 or 4 am when he wakes up from a deep sleep and half-awake, tosses his head about and waves his arms and legs like an overturned beetle, searching for food. I get up and lean over his crib, tell him "I'm going to feed you now", unwrap him and collect him in my arms, still lying down. his head is against my left breast and his bare chest (it's very hot at night now) exudes that fabulous new-baby warm scent. he waves his arms and legs even faster and head-butts the nipple through my bra while I carry him to the change table. and sometimes, when I'm lucky, I collapse into the feeding chair and he locks on in one go and I can doze through 30 minutes while he gets on with his work.
that few seconds between picking him up and landing in the chair does something to me; it's the vulnerability, the warmth, the blind wriggling in faith that food will make its way to his mouth soon. and the sheer - erotic? - fact of his beautiful smooth flesh.
(this morning his improved nipple-homing and head control allowed me to just feed in bed before breakfast, and I think I even slept for a few seconds while he did it!)
two passages keep recurring to me: one, where the protaganist, who is a human who has become a chimpanzee, or maybe a chimpanzee who thinks he's a human in a chimp body, is crying out for his children: "I want my infant's bodies". he misses the shape, feel and smoothness of tiny humans.
and another, where a character is musing on potential motherhood, and though revolted by the idea of the dependence and bf-ing, thinks something like "once you have children, you can't wish that your life had been otherwise".
(I've also started and finished a long biography of Spike Milligan - didn't really do it for me, it shows that he didn't have great access to people close to Spike, and am now tossing up between Goon Show scripts and Patrick White's Eye of the Storm. as you do. the scripts are winning, so now my head is fully of silly voices.)
but on the body of the child: though my head is foggy and my eyes want to close, one of the best moments with A. is at 3 or 4 am when he wakes up from a deep sleep and half-awake, tosses his head about and waves his arms and legs like an overturned beetle, searching for food. I get up and lean over his crib, tell him "I'm going to feed you now", unwrap him and collect him in my arms, still lying down. his head is against my left breast and his bare chest (it's very hot at night now) exudes that fabulous new-baby warm scent. he waves his arms and legs even faster and head-butts the nipple through my bra while I carry him to the change table. and sometimes, when I'm lucky, I collapse into the feeding chair and he locks on in one go and I can doze through 30 minutes while he gets on with his work.
that few seconds between picking him up and landing in the chair does something to me; it's the vulnerability, the warmth, the blind wriggling in faith that food will make its way to his mouth soon. and the sheer - erotic? - fact of his beautiful smooth flesh.
(this morning his improved nipple-homing and head control allowed me to just feed in bed before breakfast, and I think I even slept for a few seconds while he did it!)
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