Monday, December 29, 2003
xmas has been keeping me busy - yesterday A was the centre of much aunty attention - after a horror drive in heavy traffic to the family gathering during which I had to stop to feed him because his crying was causing me such distress.
so had to save various bits to blog - and now having to rush anyway.
Nephew and tiny daughter and t.d.'s mother came to stay unexpectedly the night before the family do. it was kind of nice, getting up in the night to feed A and hearing tiny baby mewling noises from the other room too. and hanging about doing baby care with another couple, even if such an odd one. (he's only 20 after all, and I held him when he was just bigger than A. is now) it's so cute seeing him, all sinew and young male muscle in his work singlet, holding this tiny 8lb pink-dressed thing, feeding her and kissing her.
of course the thing ran all day, so no nap yesterday and dead-tired today. lucky A. is a relatively good sleeper - one wakeup a night is more than enough when I have to wake for the toilet once or twice as well.
being so tired, I sometimes get flashes of dreams. not current ones either - old ones from years ago. must be existing on a sub-conscious scale sometimes. other times, going to sleep, I feel kind of small and rounded, like I'm in touch with my baby self again. weird, but that's how it feels. I curl up and know what it's like to be tiny and helpless, weak-limbed and full of milk
and last night, dogtired and dealing with an unhappy little boy, it hit me how much responsibility I have now. his happiness, his future mental health, his feelings of confidence and security, rest on me. I know his personality and character are already there - my job is to let it come out in full flower - but it's still a huge thing, being prime custodian of another person's entire life, existence and future wellbeing.
speaking of dogs, ours is doing OK with A. but I hate our neighbours' dog, who barks in the afternoon, rouses me from naps and would rouse A. if I didn't lie with my arm over him, almost literally holding him under in sleep.
and this last is a sad, sad thing. a friend rang to apologise for not visiting when he'd said he would. they have a toddler and were ttc again. turns out his wife had a miscarriage, the whole ugly bad news at the ultrasound, d & c, other rellos announcing their pregnancy on Christmas day disaster. lucky I don't believe in God anyway, or I'd question what he's up to with all that. no fair, no fair.
so had to save various bits to blog - and now having to rush anyway.
Nephew and tiny daughter and t.d.'s mother came to stay unexpectedly the night before the family do. it was kind of nice, getting up in the night to feed A and hearing tiny baby mewling noises from the other room too. and hanging about doing baby care with another couple, even if such an odd one. (he's only 20 after all, and I held him when he was just bigger than A. is now) it's so cute seeing him, all sinew and young male muscle in his work singlet, holding this tiny 8lb pink-dressed thing, feeding her and kissing her.
of course the thing ran all day, so no nap yesterday and dead-tired today. lucky A. is a relatively good sleeper - one wakeup a night is more than enough when I have to wake for the toilet once or twice as well.
being so tired, I sometimes get flashes of dreams. not current ones either - old ones from years ago. must be existing on a sub-conscious scale sometimes. other times, going to sleep, I feel kind of small and rounded, like I'm in touch with my baby self again. weird, but that's how it feels. I curl up and know what it's like to be tiny and helpless, weak-limbed and full of milk
and last night, dogtired and dealing with an unhappy little boy, it hit me how much responsibility I have now. his happiness, his future mental health, his feelings of confidence and security, rest on me. I know his personality and character are already there - my job is to let it come out in full flower - but it's still a huge thing, being prime custodian of another person's entire life, existence and future wellbeing.
speaking of dogs, ours is doing OK with A. but I hate our neighbours' dog, who barks in the afternoon, rouses me from naps and would rouse A. if I didn't lie with my arm over him, almost literally holding him under in sleep.
and this last is a sad, sad thing. a friend rang to apologise for not visiting when he'd said he would. they have a toddler and were ttc again. turns out his wife had a miscarriage, the whole ugly bad news at the ultrasound, d & c, other rellos announcing their pregnancy on Christmas day disaster. lucky I don't believe in God anyway, or I'd question what he's up to with all that. no fair, no fair.
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