Friday, January 23, 2004
he had tiny bits of blood in his stools last night, after a couple of days of really unexplained crying/screaming, including waking up crying from a deep sleep. the nurse on the 24-hour maternal health line (a 15 minute wait to speak to someone, how stupid is that for a health support service for new mothers?) said it sounds like lactose intolerance. it's also possible he had a stomach bug - certainly things were, um, green and runny, earlier in the week.
I had a lot of eggs on Sunday/Monday. unfortunately I also had one in a burger last night. but that's the first suspect. two weeks without them, then I'm off dairy. and so on until I identify what's going on. whatever it is, it turns him from a sweet ,developing and mostly happy little boy into a miserable snivelling creature who doesn't seem at all grateful to exist.
and, speaking of diet, this can't go on. I'm still generally the same or gaining weight. I used to ride my bike four or five days a week. when we were on IVF the ride to work from where we were staying varied from 25 to 10 kilometres. one way. I swam twice, thrice a week.
now I'm managing two swims, for sanity, and one or two 7 or 15 k rides every week. it's the riding that must have kept my legs from looking like two chicken drumsticks fashioned out of cottage cheese. I know it's been 12 years since I bought those hotpants I used to wear, and I don't really expect to get around in those clothes any more, but do I have to start wearing ankle-length skirts for the rest of my life at 37?
I have a dress that's made of brown Asian silk, very straight, finishes just above the knees, with a tight bodice and shoestring straps. it used to look fantastic on me with my smallish breasts and straight brown hair. I want to wear it again. for my 40th would be impossible, as I plan/hope to be a few months past my second child then. but for my 38th this year? should be do-able. when I was a teenager I had the usual eating disorders - nothing lifethreatening, but lots of wasted time obsessing about diets and generally working at being very very skinny. I don't want to go there either. and I know I have to eat well to feed and keep up with A. but I am so very not happy just accepting that all my clothes no longer fit and that I have rolls of fat and cellulite now where I used to be firm, if not hard. maybe I do see fatness as a sign of "letting myself go".
and this is after two and a half weeks of 75 situps and 75 pushups (from the knees only) every day. I need walking shoes. I need to jump on the bike more often. I need to stop eating to make me sleep. etc. any woman knows the mental circles I'm walking in now.
I had a lot of eggs on Sunday/Monday. unfortunately I also had one in a burger last night. but that's the first suspect. two weeks without them, then I'm off dairy. and so on until I identify what's going on. whatever it is, it turns him from a sweet ,developing and mostly happy little boy into a miserable snivelling creature who doesn't seem at all grateful to exist.
and, speaking of diet, this can't go on. I'm still generally the same or gaining weight. I used to ride my bike four or five days a week. when we were on IVF the ride to work from where we were staying varied from 25 to 10 kilometres. one way. I swam twice, thrice a week.
now I'm managing two swims, for sanity, and one or two 7 or 15 k rides every week. it's the riding that must have kept my legs from looking like two chicken drumsticks fashioned out of cottage cheese. I know it's been 12 years since I bought those hotpants I used to wear, and I don't really expect to get around in those clothes any more, but do I have to start wearing ankle-length skirts for the rest of my life at 37?
I have a dress that's made of brown Asian silk, very straight, finishes just above the knees, with a tight bodice and shoestring straps. it used to look fantastic on me with my smallish breasts and straight brown hair. I want to wear it again. for my 40th would be impossible, as I plan/hope to be a few months past my second child then. but for my 38th this year? should be do-able. when I was a teenager I had the usual eating disorders - nothing lifethreatening, but lots of wasted time obsessing about diets and generally working at being very very skinny. I don't want to go there either. and I know I have to eat well to feed and keep up with A. but I am so very not happy just accepting that all my clothes no longer fit and that I have rolls of fat and cellulite now where I used to be firm, if not hard. maybe I do see fatness as a sign of "letting myself go".
and this is after two and a half weeks of 75 situps and 75 pushups (from the knees only) every day. I need walking shoes. I need to jump on the bike more often. I need to stop eating to make me sleep. etc. any woman knows the mental circles I'm walking in now.
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