Tuesday, April 27, 2004
I've never understood people who can hurt their children, but today I caught a glimpse.
I'm tired. The phrase is trite, suggesting a too-late night, a too-long walk, maybe a bit of overwork.
Jessica Anderson gets closer: "I am exhausted, holding myself by will-power above a black area of total collapse."
But what happens when you've collapsed and you're dragged back, not even allowed to sink in to the blackness? Yesterday afternoon caught up with me last night and I went to bed early, 9-ish, and didn't officially "get up" until 7.30 after six awakenings for various reasons. At 1pm today I put him down again after stuffing myself with bready things in order to be sure I'd sleep. half an hour later I was woken by inconsolable crying that didn't respond to the usual dummy-and-pat routine. it got worse. I picked him up, the only effect of which was that I was that much closer to the source of the noise and distress. I could hardly think, having been woken from a deep sleep. I brought him to the day cot - not gently, either - and went back to the bedroom. of course I could still hear him wailing. I got him again and rocked him in my arms. he settled, but as soon as I put him down he screamed again. I tried the rocking routine but he yelled more. so I yelled back. not just loud singing but STOP IT at the top of my voice. three times.
I know you're supposed to leave them at this point, walk around the block, take a shower, whatever. but I didn't want that. I wanted sleep.
eventually I fed him, even though it was nowhere near time for the next feed. he's asleep again now. I couldn't go back to sleep of course so I'm up, mainlining caffeine and feeling ashamed of myself, and of the fact that I felt like doing more than just shouting.
I'm tired. The phrase is trite, suggesting a too-late night, a too-long walk, maybe a bit of overwork.
Jessica Anderson gets closer: "I am exhausted, holding myself by will-power above a black area of total collapse."
But what happens when you've collapsed and you're dragged back, not even allowed to sink in to the blackness? Yesterday afternoon caught up with me last night and I went to bed early, 9-ish, and didn't officially "get up" until 7.30 after six awakenings for various reasons. At 1pm today I put him down again after stuffing myself with bready things in order to be sure I'd sleep. half an hour later I was woken by inconsolable crying that didn't respond to the usual dummy-and-pat routine. it got worse. I picked him up, the only effect of which was that I was that much closer to the source of the noise and distress. I could hardly think, having been woken from a deep sleep. I brought him to the day cot - not gently, either - and went back to the bedroom. of course I could still hear him wailing. I got him again and rocked him in my arms. he settled, but as soon as I put him down he screamed again. I tried the rocking routine but he yelled more. so I yelled back. not just loud singing but STOP IT at the top of my voice. three times.
I know you're supposed to leave them at this point, walk around the block, take a shower, whatever. but I didn't want that. I wanted sleep.
eventually I fed him, even though it was nowhere near time for the next feed. he's asleep again now. I couldn't go back to sleep of course so I'm up, mainlining caffeine and feeling ashamed of myself, and of the fact that I felt like doing more than just shouting.
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