Sunday, April 25, 2004
They say beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes (and pregnancy and breastfeeding do qualify for that); but what about enterprises requiring new friends?
It's hard to say this without sounding ungracious, but I have a friend overload problem. there are my existing friends, who fall into two categories: close and fairly often seen (weekly to a monthly minumum) and the "stay in touch" types with visits either way 3-4 times a year. plus of course my family and dh's.
now there is a new group: the other new mums. the woman across the road I've been having coffee with, the woman from mothers' group who knows I bike ride and rang to suggest we ride together next weekend, the mothers' group itself.
and despite (or because of?) my extra hours granted by not being at work, I feel overloaded. I like all these people. I genuinely want to forge new friendships with people whose kids are A's age, and who share my experience - most of my friends have had their kids, though a couple of dear ones are breeding right this second - but it's becoming a kind of chore.
I know that feeling social activities to be difficult can be a sign of depression; it's not that. It's just that I've always liked a bit of solitary time in my life, a bit of space, that I find meeting commitments that require me to be ready, out the door or presentable at a certain time to create pressure and make me feel stressed, particularly if there are several in one day. It's just that I need my afternoon naps to feel halfway like myself. I could soldier through and smile and catch up with everyone, but to what end? to having no time for myself, to read, to write, to keep my house halfway in order? I told a work colleague yesterday not to visit - she'd rung and said she'd come by in the afternoon. I countered with a message that that was no good, I'd be swimming, could she come with my boss when he visits next week? instead of accepting that, she rang back to say she could come right then and seemed put out when I said no, no good. apparently during the week is no good for her. well so what? can't we just accept that sometimes we won't catch up? in the end I deliberately walked back into the room where dh was dealing with a crying A perfectly well by himself, in order to have an excuse to say whoops, gotta go.
and there is no polite social code for "sorry, I know you'd like a bike riding chum to motivate you but I'm fine, thanks". I'll see if I can divert the mums' group woman to swims (where we can actually help each othe with the child care), or to coffees, but I simply don't need to fill that 75 minutes of solo exercise on a Sunday morning with another human being, no matter how pleasant and friendly. (let alone the logistics of getting both our dh's, both our sons and our own timing right to get an hour on the road together on a Sunday at the same time!) is "I want to be alone" one of the last taboos?
listen to me, whingeing that I'm too in demand. pathetic. but at 37 I do finally know myself and what I need, and a 24-7 party ain't it.
It's hard to say this without sounding ungracious, but I have a friend overload problem. there are my existing friends, who fall into two categories: close and fairly often seen (weekly to a monthly minumum) and the "stay in touch" types with visits either way 3-4 times a year. plus of course my family and dh's.
now there is a new group: the other new mums. the woman across the road I've been having coffee with, the woman from mothers' group who knows I bike ride and rang to suggest we ride together next weekend, the mothers' group itself.
and despite (or because of?) my extra hours granted by not being at work, I feel overloaded. I like all these people. I genuinely want to forge new friendships with people whose kids are A's age, and who share my experience - most of my friends have had their kids, though a couple of dear ones are breeding right this second - but it's becoming a kind of chore.
I know that feeling social activities to be difficult can be a sign of depression; it's not that. It's just that I've always liked a bit of solitary time in my life, a bit of space, that I find meeting commitments that require me to be ready, out the door or presentable at a certain time to create pressure and make me feel stressed, particularly if there are several in one day. It's just that I need my afternoon naps to feel halfway like myself. I could soldier through and smile and catch up with everyone, but to what end? to having no time for myself, to read, to write, to keep my house halfway in order? I told a work colleague yesterday not to visit - she'd rung and said she'd come by in the afternoon. I countered with a message that that was no good, I'd be swimming, could she come with my boss when he visits next week? instead of accepting that, she rang back to say she could come right then and seemed put out when I said no, no good. apparently during the week is no good for her. well so what? can't we just accept that sometimes we won't catch up? in the end I deliberately walked back into the room where dh was dealing with a crying A perfectly well by himself, in order to have an excuse to say whoops, gotta go.
and there is no polite social code for "sorry, I know you'd like a bike riding chum to motivate you but I'm fine, thanks". I'll see if I can divert the mums' group woman to swims (where we can actually help each othe with the child care), or to coffees, but I simply don't need to fill that 75 minutes of solo exercise on a Sunday morning with another human being, no matter how pleasant and friendly. (let alone the logistics of getting both our dh's, both our sons and our own timing right to get an hour on the road together on a Sunday at the same time!) is "I want to be alone" one of the last taboos?
listen to me, whingeing that I'm too in demand. pathetic. but at 37 I do finally know myself and what I need, and a 24-7 party ain't it.
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