Wednesday, June 02, 2004
getupgrrl doesn't "do" epiphanies.
but I may have found my personal depths this morning. with a tradesman arriving, several others to call and the prospect of five days' single motherhood next week (dh has deemed it essential that he go to HK only two weeks before we move there), I decided to flick the TV on for five minutes for the baby. I do this, oh, every three weeks or so.
but as it came to life and I hit the 2 button to change to the nonadvertising kids' shows, I heard the word pregnancy. so I changed back to 9. then I watched daytime talk TV - a discussion about weight gain in pregnancy - fascinated by the obvious discomfort of one mother who had her baby, around 10 weeks I guess, under the TV lights, dummy in mouth, right hand patting him for all she was worth.
day. time. T. V.
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I love A. to bits. I don't know that I want to go back to the job I was in. it was stimulating but I'd been doing it too long. but I am not, not, not, a consumer of mindless commercially-driven daytime TV. I need to learn something, do something, be something as well as being a mother. I need a new "me".
once I was quite interested in further study, maybe a phd on online identity, its effect on the offline person, how blogs fit into all that, blah blah blah. but my mind can't even conceive the scope of such a thing right now, let alone do it.
I'm hoping that really all I need is some sleep. that when A. finally gets it, I'll start to pick up some of my old energy. I'm hoping this isn't an ongoing permanent state, that I'll emerge from my cocoon a butterly, not just a very old caterpillar.
yawn.
but I may have found my personal depths this morning. with a tradesman arriving, several others to call and the prospect of five days' single motherhood next week (dh has deemed it essential that he go to HK only two weeks before we move there), I decided to flick the TV on for five minutes for the baby. I do this, oh, every three weeks or so.
but as it came to life and I hit the 2 button to change to the nonadvertising kids' shows, I heard the word pregnancy. so I changed back to 9. then I watched daytime talk TV - a discussion about weight gain in pregnancy - fascinated by the obvious discomfort of one mother who had her baby, around 10 weeks I guess, under the TV lights, dummy in mouth, right hand patting him for all she was worth.
day. time. T. V.
WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I love A. to bits. I don't know that I want to go back to the job I was in. it was stimulating but I'd been doing it too long. but I am not, not, not, a consumer of mindless commercially-driven daytime TV. I need to learn something, do something, be something as well as being a mother. I need a new "me".
once I was quite interested in further study, maybe a phd on online identity, its effect on the offline person, how blogs fit into all that, blah blah blah. but my mind can't even conceive the scope of such a thing right now, let alone do it.
I'm hoping that really all I need is some sleep. that when A. finally gets it, I'll start to pick up some of my old energy. I'm hoping this isn't an ongoing permanent state, that I'll emerge from my cocoon a butterly, not just a very old caterpillar.
yawn.
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