Tuesday, August 31, 2004
two feelings: a good one and a very bad.
the good was sitting holding my cousin's 4 1/2 month old son, watching A. crawl around, and getting a flash that yes, this could get even better, that more than one baby would make me feel even more of a mother hen than I do now, that I could hold one and watch the other go, and hoping it would happen. (and today I made our appointment to see the IVF dr in November, ahead of a probable FET start around March).
the bad was when I came home from my cousin's, with A asleep in the back of the car. I came inside to make his food, got a few things put away, got everything ready, checking on him once or twice. after about 10-15 minutes I went out and he was crying. so OK, time to get him out. I opened the car door and it was hot in there. I KNOW you NEVER leave babies in closed cars. but it had been raining. it's winter. I was tired. he was asleep. I just forgot. stupid. idiot. careless. stupid mother. for the 40 or so hours since then I've been feeling a knot in my throat, knowing that it was the dumbest thing I've ever done, afraid to think what might have happened if I'd decided to just lie down for a minute (I wouldn't have, I don't if I can't hear him cry from where I am), if the phone had rung (I would have come outside while talking to check on him), if instead of waking he had just quietly developed heat exhaustion and fainted, or worse. I have never done this. I always open a door or a window.
there's a monster lurking over my shoulder, something so terrible I can't turn and look at it. doing something so outright culpable was like passing a mirror and glimpsing it there.
the good was sitting holding my cousin's 4 1/2 month old son, watching A. crawl around, and getting a flash that yes, this could get even better, that more than one baby would make me feel even more of a mother hen than I do now, that I could hold one and watch the other go, and hoping it would happen. (and today I made our appointment to see the IVF dr in November, ahead of a probable FET start around March).
the bad was when I came home from my cousin's, with A asleep in the back of the car. I came inside to make his food, got a few things put away, got everything ready, checking on him once or twice. after about 10-15 minutes I went out and he was crying. so OK, time to get him out. I opened the car door and it was hot in there. I KNOW you NEVER leave babies in closed cars. but it had been raining. it's winter. I was tired. he was asleep. I just forgot. stupid. idiot. careless. stupid mother. for the 40 or so hours since then I've been feeling a knot in my throat, knowing that it was the dumbest thing I've ever done, afraid to think what might have happened if I'd decided to just lie down for a minute (I wouldn't have, I don't if I can't hear him cry from where I am), if the phone had rung (I would have come outside while talking to check on him), if instead of waking he had just quietly developed heat exhaustion and fainted, or worse. I have never done this. I always open a door or a window.
there's a monster lurking over my shoulder, something so terrible I can't turn and look at it. doing something so outright culpable was like passing a mirror and glimpsing it there.
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