Tuesday, November 16, 2004
a few things from my manic racing mind - yes, actually, I wish it were you, not me, dear reader. just as deep in your heart you're glad it's me and not you. I don't have Munchausen's Syndrome, I don't enjoy the attention illness is getting me, I don't want to be a freak, part of a circus, the one woman in 100 or in 50 or whatever it is who gets this before 40, the one people are talking about.
re: my doctor, whose honorific is "Miss". I am warming to her. I appreciate the way she came into the room on Friday, looked me in the eye and said "it is cancer."
now that I'm about to be operated on, I'm looking at breasts. and if you think avoiding pg bellies and babies is hard for ttc women, try avoiding breasts. they're everywhere. and they're lovely, juggly, multi-shaped things. and I will miss mine. I so hope we'll get away with the largish lumpectomy.
spoke to ob/gyn. he says he checked at the six week mark. so he either missed it, or it's grown from zero to 1x2x3cm in 10 months.
and a small joke with myself, that I might get a tattoo with one of those recycle symbols on it. reincarnation? good use of an otherwise fine body? but I'm not going to die. not of this. not now.
finally, A. had his last feed today, and my right breast did its last useful thing ever. and it makes me very, very sad.
each of these things deserves a long blog to bring out all the thoughts I'm having. but I also have a house to run, a baby to care for, many draining phone calls to make to inform people what's going on (because we're suddenly not going to HK it's hard not to let on that something's happening. some people are being told the whole truth, others just that I have to go into hospital, and no further details offered.
Monday looms. much to do- baby schedules to write up, dh to train up, house to organise, case to pack, farewells to be said to my current body.
oh, and more awful news: saw the IVF dr today. there will be at least a two year wait between me being cleared - if I'm cleared - and there being any question of me being pg. at least. more if it's "hormone responsive" cancer. I'm 38 1/2 now. there's a high chance that the very likely chemo will knock out my ovaries for good. so it's those eight embies or nothing, and that when I'm 41 years old. I so want another baby. I want one close in age to A. but I can't have it. and first I must stay alive for him.
am I numb? maybe. I haven't cried much. I will go towards Monday with a terrible sense of inevitability. I am sane enough to recognise reality when I see it, as much as I'd like it to be a dream. wake me when it's over.
re: my doctor, whose honorific is "Miss". I am warming to her. I appreciate the way she came into the room on Friday, looked me in the eye and said "it is cancer."
now that I'm about to be operated on, I'm looking at breasts. and if you think avoiding pg bellies and babies is hard for ttc women, try avoiding breasts. they're everywhere. and they're lovely, juggly, multi-shaped things. and I will miss mine. I so hope we'll get away with the largish lumpectomy.
spoke to ob/gyn. he says he checked at the six week mark. so he either missed it, or it's grown from zero to 1x2x3cm in 10 months.
and a small joke with myself, that I might get a tattoo with one of those recycle symbols on it. reincarnation? good use of an otherwise fine body? but I'm not going to die. not of this. not now.
finally, A. had his last feed today, and my right breast did its last useful thing ever. and it makes me very, very sad.
each of these things deserves a long blog to bring out all the thoughts I'm having. but I also have a house to run, a baby to care for, many draining phone calls to make to inform people what's going on (because we're suddenly not going to HK it's hard not to let on that something's happening. some people are being told the whole truth, others just that I have to go into hospital, and no further details offered.
Monday looms. much to do- baby schedules to write up, dh to train up, house to organise, case to pack, farewells to be said to my current body.
oh, and more awful news: saw the IVF dr today. there will be at least a two year wait between me being cleared - if I'm cleared - and there being any question of me being pg. at least. more if it's "hormone responsive" cancer. I'm 38 1/2 now. there's a high chance that the very likely chemo will knock out my ovaries for good. so it's those eight embies or nothing, and that when I'm 41 years old. I so want another baby. I want one close in age to A. but I can't have it. and first I must stay alive for him.
am I numb? maybe. I haven't cried much. I will go towards Monday with a terrible sense of inevitability. I am sane enough to recognise reality when I see it, as much as I'd like it to be a dream. wake me when it's over.
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