Tuesday, November 30, 2004
still don't feel like transcribing, though the notebook is filling up. I will say that I am very annoyed with the anaesthetist, who was unavailable yesterday to OK my sedative and left me to panic and cry for several hours before surgery. when they did find her, she told them to give me sleeping pills (which don't work) instead of the nice happy pill. I eventually got it only an hour or so before my surgery around 3.30.
feeling more knocked over than last week. I guess it's been a straining time, mentally, physically, emotionally, and the actual trauma to my body is greater. and no, I haven't looked yet. I put my pj's on this morning without looking. I suppose I'll have to do it when I'm prepared, rather than risking a sudden glimpse. my breasts were small, but I liked them. now I have one and it will be up to a year before we do reconstruction.
the only good news - in what passes for good news at times like this - is that Friday's scans showed no visible cancers. I was so sure my sore back meant ovarian cancer, or more accurately, breast cancer in my ovaries. skin cancer is skin cancer, even when it gets into your kidneys, and so on. so each cancer has its own treatments which is why the fad diet I'm going on cuts out all dairy as a treatment for this kind of cancer only.
so there's a very, very slim chance I actually have no cancer at all left in my body. much more likely that there are microscopic cells that need to be cleaned up and suppressed, hence the chemo/radio/tamoxifen (oestrogen blocker) regime. hence my continued worry about the idea that post-pregnancy b.c. is harder to defeat - something to do with immune suppression. hence my extreme fear about whether it's safe to have another baby, if this stuff is lurking. being pg could trigger it, and not even just "sooner" - at all, as my body might be able to defeat a few cells, whereas when I was pg, I'd be off the treatments and technically weakened. not having another baby would be the logical decision.
this hospital is also a major maternity hospital, and every now and again there's an announcement to get staff to labour ward/theatre. and the lobby is full of tiny babies. of course I still have a baby, though he's nearly a toddler. I am not ungrateful for that, or for the lack of detectable spread. now I need time, space and courage.
feeling more knocked over than last week. I guess it's been a straining time, mentally, physically, emotionally, and the actual trauma to my body is greater. and no, I haven't looked yet. I put my pj's on this morning without looking. I suppose I'll have to do it when I'm prepared, rather than risking a sudden glimpse. my breasts were small, but I liked them. now I have one and it will be up to a year before we do reconstruction.
the only good news - in what passes for good news at times like this - is that Friday's scans showed no visible cancers. I was so sure my sore back meant ovarian cancer, or more accurately, breast cancer in my ovaries. skin cancer is skin cancer, even when it gets into your kidneys, and so on. so each cancer has its own treatments which is why the fad diet I'm going on cuts out all dairy as a treatment for this kind of cancer only.
so there's a very, very slim chance I actually have no cancer at all left in my body. much more likely that there are microscopic cells that need to be cleaned up and suppressed, hence the chemo/radio/tamoxifen (oestrogen blocker) regime. hence my continued worry about the idea that post-pregnancy b.c. is harder to defeat - something to do with immune suppression. hence my extreme fear about whether it's safe to have another baby, if this stuff is lurking. being pg could trigger it, and not even just "sooner" - at all, as my body might be able to defeat a few cells, whereas when I was pg, I'd be off the treatments and technically weakened. not having another baby would be the logical decision.
this hospital is also a major maternity hospital, and every now and again there's an announcement to get staff to labour ward/theatre. and the lobby is full of tiny babies. of course I still have a baby, though he's nearly a toddler. I am not ungrateful for that, or for the lack of detectable spread. now I need time, space and courage.
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